Herald Issue 503

Amazing chooks how a bit of stick called a “baton” can cause more excitement nationally than a blockbusting Hollywood movie at Empire 3. Exciting because this stick hails from the Queen of England herself! It’s as though that bit of twig was her royal self! So get ready folks for the arrival of the royal twig on May 22. It’s even going to Aitutaki!

Whisper is chooks, Radio Rani will be tossing his mocker into the ring for Mitiaro! Word is he will be standing for the new political party! While Vavy Tang has no option but to hoof it around the Mit, Radio Rani can transmit his soothing campaigning messages over the air waves!

There’s been a swag of late entries for the composer’s competition chooks! Among the them are, The Jimboggling Quintet with “No coins in the fountain,” The Rolling Stongias with “I can’t get no House in action,” The Sir Premes with “Demo don’t leave me” a song which goes, “Demo, demo, demo don’t leave me. Ooo, please don’t leave me, all by myself!”

What’s the bet chooks the Chinese will wipe our debts clean off the slate! If they do not, the economy may go down the toilet and the Chinese will not want to be labeled Economy Busters! They would lose face and we can’t allow that! Let’s accept with humble humility their gracious offer, when it comes, to wipe the debt and let’s heap grateful praise upon the strong shoulders of our valiant comrades from the East for their excellent consideration of the pain we are suffering!

Government is to form a committee of officials to investigate why it is taking so long to get certain jobbies done in Aitutaki! The findings will be forwarded to another committee of private sector experts to decide what action to take and another committee of island councilors will oversee the work then a committee of MPs will report on the outcome to a special steering committee of HOMs which will report to a government select committee which will then report to the Cabinet sitting as a committee.

Listen up chooks, word is USA President Barack Obama is to hold discussions in the Cook Islands with other Pacific Leaders due to the secure nature of the country. The Cook Islands is under no threat from anyone not even extraterrestrials! Inside word is the meeting will take place at the RSA on karaoke night in full view of all patrons and Obama himself may even shout a round.

Hot, Norwegian babes seen flaunting themselves topless on the beach at Muri the other day. Locals had to rush into the water to cool off. How long chooks before Muri becomes a fully nude beach?

The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover has reportedly swung back into action. Apparently the old body has been tuned up, oiled, re-registered, given a new warrant of fitness and undergone an arduous test drive. Except for some minor damage to the left flank and rear superstructure, all parts are in working order!

It’s now odds on there will be an early election chooks. Jimbo’s been keeping the majors guessing with the aim of catching them on the hop! With 90 days to hold an election, the majors will be forced to spend up to 30 days sorting out their candidates not to mention the squabbles between candidates!

Word chooks is Jimbo must be a Chess Master! So far like a rampant King on the board, he’s knocked over anything and any Knight, Pawn, Castle or Bishop who has posed a threat to him. He’s knocked over “Sir,” Mactongia, Colan and forced Aunty, Kete and Vavla off the board. While his opponents have been screaming foul moves, all Jimbo’s been heard to say is, ”Check mate!”

Herald Issue 502

Now here chooks are the results of our own “Oscars!” Best movie film of the year went to “Five hurt, locker us all.” Best Director was awarded to, Carefree Jimbilo. Best Actor went to Makifruiti Toglia. The best special effects was won by Wetca-binet whose five Directors were on hand to pick up their Oscars for the film “Ava coup de tat.”

Watch out chooks! A tsunami generated by an earthquake and one generated by volcanic activity or a volcano crashing into the sea, like Kiwi land’s White Island or Hawaii’s big volcano, are different. One travels under the sea as energy and creates a wave near shore. The other causes a massive wave that may be well over 100 feet high. It has been estimated that if the big volcano in the Canary Islands falls into the sea, the wave generated will be over 100 feet high when it reaches Trafalgar Square in London. Kiwi land is a lot closer to us. Now here’s a suggestion, all those who think a tsunami is no threat, you go on and rush down to the sea side next time but be sure to take your surf board in case there is a wave, a 100 foot wave.

The motorist who damaged the electrical transformer in Akoa may find himself out of pocket by a whopping 70 “G’s.” Not cheap to replace those things!

Why did the left footers delay the ordination of their new Holy Man until after Lent? Simple! In the 40 days leading up to Easter, a period known as Lent, they abstain from eating meat! Once Lent is over, it will be into the pork, chicken, goat-whatever!

Despite the carnage on the Queen’s highways and byways with iron horse cowboys belting in and out of town at a high rate of knots, they continue to do so without any head protection. One regularly bears witness to crazed cowboys with no shirt, just shorts and jandals whizzing by at over 60 without any forethought as to the likely consequences should they come crashing to ground! These people do not need more education, they need a brain transplant!

Talk about same sex and civil union type marriages chooks! What do you call it when the parties involved are political parties?

Here’s a suggestion chooks. It comes from a really bright spark. When rebuilding the wrecked homes in Aitutaki, make one room in the house really strong so it becomes the “safe” room where the family goes in case of a big blow. During the three day warning of an approaching big blow, food and water can be moved into this safe room along with the fridge, a cooker and other supplies.

So the tight five have now become the flakey five? Nothing wrong chooks with flaky pastry! What about calling them the loosies? Piho is number 7-open side, Smiley is 6 on the blind side, Wilkie is number 8-able to go both ways of the scrum, Wiggie is the utility loose forward able to deputise in any position and Jim is off the bench as an open side flank impact player for the go forward.

Word whispered in Big Red’s ear is Jim will step down after the next election but not before grooming his successor. Jim is watching replays of the “Apprentice” show to see how Donald Trump handles sackings!

Aitutaki MP the Bishop has spent so much of his own dosh in supplying food and other supplies he deserves a commendation from the Queen! The Queen of England that is! Big Red hears that when the Bishop goodies hit the shore up north, the people broke out into a sustained round of applause!

 

Herald Issue 501

There’s a report chooks that the NZ High Com would not let locals into Ngatipa during the tsunami alert because it was private property! When asked by media the reply was the back road was high ground but the police said move to high ground not move to the back road. The High Com asked for the matter not to be put on radio. Why? Were they afraid of a backlash? Locals know that much of the back road between Tupapa and Matavera is actually below sea level.

What’s going on chooks? Why did the CIP huddle together at a meeting the same time as the Demo tight 10 attended a meeting with the breakaway five? Are the CIP waiting for the word to move? Move where? Word is the Demo tight 10 want the breakaway five to re-join the fold but on what and whose terms?

And what’s going on in the far north chooks? When the Rass man arrived at Penrhyn International Airport, the Willie was there to give the Rass man a hug and a kiss!

Last Friday a government quake sent a tsunami of sorts through several government Ministries sweeping out Shofan from MFEM, some staff from Aid Management and the boss of MOIP! Word though is the boss of MOIP actually resigned and the whisper is it is over the handling of the Aitutaki aftermath.

And on the topic of the MOIP boss, word is he is the King Pin of resigning heads! So far he has resigned five times! From OMIA, National Super, CIIC, Works and MOIP!

When is government going to learn chooks that you have to employ people at the top who know how to do the job and prepare reports! Why was the MOIP report inferior to the Red Cross report? Word is MOIP had to do their report again!

Word from Aitutaki is that the flimsy tents put up by the NZ Defence team collapsed under the heavy rain and families had to be moved out! Still another version is that the tents were dismantled because it was known they would not withstand the heavy rain. Which version is true chooks?

How’s this for a brilliant plan chooks! Government to buy out all fuel farm facilities! Government to tender out the management to the private sector! Government to bulk buy fuel at a cheaper price! Sounds familiar-where have we heard all this before?

What a fine jobbie the Coppers did in warning coastal dwellers of the Tsunami! They hurtled out of HQ to spread the word! But what about the old lady in the house right next door to Police HQ? Her sister in distant Arorangi alerted her by phone! The Coppers could have woken her and taken her in and secured her on the upper floor of HQ but she ended up on a hill in Tupapa!

Canine customer, Ann Gree Dogg is disgruntled at the sharp rise in the cost of living. According to Dogg a can of her favourite Budget food has gone up by a dollar! “Outrageous!” barked Dogg, who is contemplating going back to chasing and chewing human legs.

Hard times are here chooks and those finding it hard to make ends meet are dangling hooks over the reef for some tucker. But danger abounds, to their health that is, from fish full to the eyeballs with toxic pollutants! What advice is Public Health dishing out to these reef farmers? No warning signs up at Avarua harbour a favourite dangling spot! How about an offer by Public Health to test all reef fish caught for poisons? Seems there is a simple test that can be done. Those fish above acceptable toxin levels should be confiscated.

 

Herald Issue 500

Oh woe chooks! Cookie from Aussie with boxes of canned foods to take up north to distribute free to victims of the big blow, arrives in Raro and is charged a $500 levy at the airport! Where is the incentive for those wanting to help?

With no backsides warming seats in the boarding house by the Nikao lagoon no audit or Ministry annual reports will get to be tabled. So how will the public see accountability at work in government? They won’t! With no sittings planned up to the election after September, it will be a long wait to see transparency at work! Maybe leaks will spring up somewhere in the system!

There are several new songs on the charts chooks. At number one spot is a little ditty called “Blowin’ in the wind ” by Dylan Jimmee. Other chart toppers are “Who’ll stop the rain ” By Creedance Clearwater Piho, “Thunder ” by AC/DC Smiley and “They called the wind Mariah then Pat ” by the Wailing Wigmores.

Big boo boo with the Electoral Act chooks! Thanks to a legal cock up not detected by our legal wizards, it’s possible for a candidate to stand in more than one electorate! But is it possible for an MP to pick up more than one pay packet?

Rumour on the local Chardonnay, canapes and cocktail circuit is that Tata may be waving ta ta to a career in commerce and warming the seventh seat in Cabinet-you know, the one for outsiders appointed by the Head Cabbie. Whisper is Tata is set to become Minister for BECA-Business, Economic, and Commerce Advancement or is it MOCK-Minister Of the Complete Kaboodle?

Big Mac and “Sir” are oddly silent chooks! Probably cooking up a plot or two. Their attempt to turn the appeal fundraising effort political fell in a hole so what now? They’ve failed to get the gang of five ousted, failed to get MPs back into the boarding house by the beach and failed to scare the pants off the public. Danger now for “Sir” and Big Mac will be justifying a sixth Minister if they win the next election!

Spooky chooks! There are signs a tornado or a giant water spout may have also struck Aitutaki at the height of the big blow! In some areas, the trail of damage appears to fit the theory for such a phenomenon.

Plenty of jobbies for fit, young, rugby playing men tidying up after the big blow up north! Yeah, say ten bucks an hour-only one catch, you have to pay your own air fare!

Here’s a mystery for you chooks! The big blow up north smashed up dwellings, ripped up mature trees, tore off branches and foliage but how come the lowly, humble Tiare Maori shrubs still had all their leaves intact and flowers still on?

How come houses with thatched roofs stayed intact chooks? While roofing iron was flying everywhere, the old, reliable, tried and tested thatched roof went through the blast unscathed! Bring back the natural, thatched roof!

Still the number one radio station in the Cook Islands. Just check out how much dosh was raised by Radio CI for the victims of the big blow up north!

Seen out and about on the trail of cooking fowls to donate for plates of food to raise dosh for victims of the big blow up north, the Minister of Smiles, the CEO and the President, the three musketeers! For a start, they were in the wrong store for cheap chooks!

After the big blow up north, who should show up to help the Bishop get his sunken fishing boat afloat but Junior! He knows all about sunken fishing boats! He’s an expert! Well done Junior!

 

Herald Issue 499

Ooops chooks! Now a row has broken out over Kiwiland’s response time to the Aitutaki disaster. On Wednesday morning NZ’s ready response team was ready to respond. They were standing by waiting for the word! Our government waited for a better assessment of needs. NZ has provisions at a permanent state of readiness and has a good idea of what’s initially needed, shelter, water, medicines. After Cyclone Sally and in 2005, the French military were here smartly from Tahiti ahead of the Kiwis. The Kiwis have got better.

Bring in builders from windy Wellington is the cry! They know how to build proper roofs! Winds in Wellington regularly exceed 100kph and higher.

Word is the MOIP head is eyeing up Vavia’s ex CEO for a job as project manager for the upcoming Mangaia water project after he had earlier unsuccessfully approached the Minister and the PM for a job.

And on the topic of Vavia’s ex-CEO, word is chooks he is gunning for his three months severance dosh after the axe fell when his Boss did a quick exit! Seems the money men in the tall building down town say “Pay the man!” But where the 15 “G’s” is to come from is not known. 15 smackers you ask? Well he was getting 70 “G’s” we hear!

Didn’t we hear chooks that Vavia’s big white set of wheels was snapped up by Travel Tou Ariki? The thing is that set of wheels was dumped because it turned out to be full of rust! Look for Travel to be traveling in something else!

Chooks, why didn’t government simply adopt the suggestions from the Aussie consultant who set out various charges and fees for using the Chinese built indoor sports stadium? These suggestions were made before the place was built. The Mini-Games ended in October last year and thanks to ongoing dithering here we are with the stadium turning into a palace for white elephants! What happened to the tender for a management company?

There’s a real possibility NZ will raise their GST to 15% so will our government lift our VAT from 12.5% to 15% as well? Take note that the Solomons are to add another 17 MPs to their parliament! Surely, we must follow suit!

And with NZ about to do a referendum on its political system, will we also follow suit? While we argue and dither over political reform, in NZ they just go ahead so what does that make us look like?-Banana Republicans!

Good thing the cyclone came along when it did chooks because all the hot air over Toa has dissipated, the tongue flailing over political reform has abated and all the grumbling over government by minority seems to have died out as well. It’s as though Mother Nature declared, “Enough of this squabbling!”

Why was the Great Gumby summoned from the front lines to appear before Field Marshall Wilhelm Von Smiley in Division Headquarters on Monday? Was he to be court marshaled or get a ticking off and a rap on the knuckles? It has been reported in dispatches that the Field Marshall is not happy at the way Gunner Great Gumby has been firing his weapon!

Worried about false cyclone alarms chooks? Well, don’t be! Due to the unpredictable nature of cyclones, there will be many false alarms but that does not mean we become complacent besides, the practice will stand us all in good stead for the day a cyclone does decide to hit us!

Is the CIP candidate for Ngatangiia Ata Herman? Whisper is he was elected at a meeting held last Wednesday night! A meeting when a Hurricane was on? No wonder only five people turned up!

 

Herald Issue 498

Chooks we all know vehicle registration labels are sticky on one side. The side you stick to your windscreen. But first you must first peel away the white sheet from the label. One forgetful sod did not peel away the white sheet but glued the whole label to the windscreen! He then had to scrape it off, remove the white sheet and stick the label back on!

Papers leaked from the bowels of the OPM policy unit reveal massive changes being proposed to policing in order to slash costs! Proposals are for police to be allocated pushbikes for around town. A new “Cycle Cop Unit (CCU)” is to be formed. Cardboard cut outs of police are to be positioned along roads to deter speeding drivers and near pubs to deter drunk drivers. It will be part of the Cardboard Cop Unit (CCU). More effort will go into detecting white collar or corporate crime with the establishment of a Corporate Crime Unit (CCU). Only problem now for callers is getting through to the right CCU!

Here’s a fresh idea for political reform chooks! Political parties to select only candidates who possess a brain. A CT scan will be necessary to confirm a brain exists. Candidates to have an IQ above 100. Tests will be necessary. All candidates to undergo a lie detector test using questions like; “Would you take an overseas trip for no reason at all except to collect the per diem?” and “Do you propose to honor your election promises?” All candidates to be capable of working a 12 hour day.

Here are some more bright ideas for political reform chooks! All MPs to pay for their own travel! All MPs to pay for their own phones, transport, accommodation and meals! Imagine the savings to the Civil List! The Civil List could be abolished altogether!

And how’s this for a very bright idea! Voters chip in to pay their MP’s wages! That way the community only pays their MP for the actual work done and they only pay what they think the MP is worth! Say, $5 an hour plus a sack of taro for starters!

The next tiff at the ballot box could be the most confusing on record chooks if the rumours are true! Some of these rumours have reached “fairy tale” proportions for instance, there’s a rumour that if Toti Tupa stands for the CIP in Matavera, Mama Tupa will support him and in standing for the Demos in Takuvaine, she will actually support the CIP candidate Mark Brown! What fantasy is this? Here’s another tale of fiction picked up doing the rounds, Maggie is vying for the CIP nomination in Tupapa but the person touted to stand for the Demos is Maggie’s biggest supporter! Chooks, how do this tall tales start?

There’s no doubt this election will attract much interest and generate much tongue flapping, chin wagging and gnashing of teeth as many concerned citizens come forward to get into the House to “put things right.” Take the case for the CIP in Titikaveka for example. 10 people put their hands up to be the candidate. How’s that for interest? The committee shortlisted just two for consideration!

Chooks there could be as many as seven independent MPs in parliament after the next election. The PM and the four current Ministers because they are doing a good job along with Piho Rua because out of 47 voters he only needs to get 24 and George Maggie (if the CIP doesn’t pick him) because he has been out and about. Two of Aitutaki’s three seats may go to the new political party because of the Sunday flights issue so that leaves the two major parties to split 15 seats between them.

 

Herald Issue 497

Why are interest rates so high chooks? Where is the competition among the banks? Bring in a Chinese bank flush with dosh to offer loans at 5 per cent!

Something has to give chooks! Too many retail outlets, declining population, rising costs, less tax take, not enough cash flow through the commercial sector, bills not being paid-the crunch time must come soon! Sure, shove dosh down the throat of infrastructure but dead items do not generate new revenue! Get the thinking caps on chappies!

The finger pointing contest has started chooks with the Demo High Nobs pointing the bone at the Prime Mandarin for holding up their plans for poly reform! Seems the PM’s strategy was to wait until election year-2010- oh my gosh! That’s this year! What’s the PM been doing lately? Pushing reform! Isn’t that what he suggested?

Headliner inside Monday’s daily proclaimed a certain local entrepreneur “out of the closet.” Said local entrepreneur is unlikely to be amused considering the well known common meaning of such words! Unfortunate choice perhaps?

Chook sees a precedent in the new six figure, inspirational marketing group set up by Tourism Board wallahs to act as a link between the industry and the Board but what about the Corp’s own marketing gurus? Perhaps the Ports Authority Board can set up its own six figure group to act as a link between it and the industry, the Te Aponga Uira Board can also have its own six figure group to act as a link between it and the industry. What about the new Sea Bed Minerals Board? By all means! Give them all a group! There’s four mill for starters!

Demo Exec keep suggesting the PM release details of the Toa settlement deal. The public know this is a tad nonsensical. After all, Demo Leader “Sir” knows the details. So why don’t the Demo Exec simply ask “Sir” to release the details to them? Perhaps they tried and perhaps “Sir” said “No!”

Speculation is that the secrecy over the Toa mediation and pay out details has made even more secure by having nothing in writing! Rumour is there are no documents to leak! All parties involved may have committed the details to memory!

Does it come as any surprise chooks that government is hurriedly renovating Her Majesty’s Boarding House in Arorangi? Could it be because some home comforts are required before new tenants check in? Who might those tenants be?

And on the topic of new tenants being sequested at Her Majesty’s pleasure, expect a quantum improvement in the menu and the quality of the meals! Expect one of the guests to expedite the culinary duties with such finesse and sophistication, the establishment may become much sought after as an up-market eatery of international repute! Further expansion may come in the form of a high class catering service and a drive in-meal take out, fast food facility!

Why try harder? That has to be the question facing most State pencil pushers! Setting the growth bar at a lowly 3 percentage points, the ruling mandarins went into a state of shock when one HOM Boy achieved a seven point excess at year’s end! Can’t have that! He just had to go!

Our Boys in Blue have really started a trend with their finger pointing and “Shame on you!” campaign on the goggle-box. Now all and sundry want to front up on the goggle-box to heap shame on non-performers in other areas! Even Crown Ministers want to appear, point the finger and mutter “Shame on you!” at certain HOMs.

Cowboys and cowgirls are still galloping into town on their iron horses without head protection at over 40 mph. This calls for the Boys in Blue to get their fingers out and start pointing!

Herald Issue 496

What is it that MPs do not like about the reforms? The loss of privileges for a start! Gone will be the chance to be a Minister on a salary of $85,000. Gone will be perks like overseas trips! Gone will be the chance to employ relatives and mates in cushy high paying jobs! The PM gets to pick who he wants. What’s wrong with that? Under the present system he picks who he wants anyway!

Chook suggests doing away with parliament altogether and just having a Board of Directors run the country. All voters elect the Chairman of the Board who picks his Board members. All contracts to run for three years. Chooks, isn’t that what we have now? Chairman Jim and his four Board members? Let them go for the next three years, scrub the rest.

Old timers who don’t want reform but who want MPs to change their behaviour, should take a leaf out of the Police’s books. Police go on telly and to the crooks they point their finger and say, ”Shame on you!” What effect does that have on the crims? Well, the bad eggs choke on their tea and bikkies and mutter, “Oh dear, I’m so ashamed, how can I leave the house!”

The very day after heavy rain one chook noticed when he turned his tap on, no water came out. How is that possible the chook asked? The chook thinks that maybe someone at Water Works is still turning valves on and off to redirect water not realizing the drought is over. Maybe that person is waiting for instructions from his boss in writing in triplicate or maybe his boss is waiting for the Minister to inform them the emergency is over. While the Minister is waiting for the Water Works to inform him the water shortage is over!

The Ruaau MP, the Minister for Water, wants the Kavera digs eyed up for the QR to be a present for his pal, the President, Travel Tou Ariki! The House is for a residence and a meeting place! After all, the two pals need somewhere to kick back, chin wag and relax! Travel now has the big white set of wheels former Minister Vavia used to drive. All the President needs now are two cops on motorcycles with flashing lights to escort his new car into town!

How true chooks! First you suspect public servants always stood around with their hands in their pockets, now it has been confirmed! Notice the pics on the back page of last week’s weekly?

Notice how three of the Ministers have one CEO each but that the Minister for Water is smiling because he has three! Who are they? Well there’s Tere Taio the full time CEO, Arthur Taripo the part time CEO and Travel Tou Ariki the Honorary CEO!

With the Cabinet re-shuffle there’s been a frenzied grab for vehicles. Travel Tou Ariki has landed the big white car Minister Vavia used to motor about in and “Sir” is still driving a government car about although he is not entitled to one! What will be up for grabs next? Bunks?

There’s a new dance craze in town chooks, it’s called the “soft shoe reform shuffle” and is popular among MPs! It goes like this, first you take a step forwards then pause and look about, when no-one is looking, you softly and quietly take two steps backwards! You pause, then start all over again! It’s so simple all the MPs have become experts at it!

Local cinema has been booked to capacity with crowds streaming in to watch blockbuster flicks like, “King Jim Kong-the sequel,” “Close encounters of the Jim kind,” and “Jimernator IV.”

 

Herald Issue 495

Herald Issue 494

With the 10 Demo MPs blindly supporting “Sir” in opposition to Jim, does this mean the 10 Demos now have become the default “official” opposition in parliament? If so, then the eight unwitting CIP MPs should vacate the office of the Opposition in Avatiu. “Sir” will now take over that office along with what’s left of the $190,000 budget for it! A constitutional interpretation please-someone!

After March 2010 those who resigned their Ministerial positions to follow “Sir” out the door, will take a huge drop in pay-from about $85,000 down to about $50,000! What does this mean for all those in the village who relied on those MPs for a helping hand?

Poor “Sir” has no office to go to even though he would have been entitled to one and support staff if we had a proper parliament building like in NZ! For those MPs now out in the cold without a home, start thinking about building a new parliament!

One CEO still clinging to his jobbie at a Minister’s Support Office is Kinny Buchan. Not only did he manage to hang around after Kete departed, but things look on the up and up for Kinny after all he is known for his ability to write iron clad employment contracts!

There’s an old saying chooks, it goes-“love is blind!” And didn’t we see a case of that disease quite recently when “Sir” got into a huff over his demotion, ended up getting spanked by his supervisor and walked off crying “Foul!” He was followed out the door and into the wilderness by three blind mice! Such is love and devotion!

Also mesmerized by “Sir” and his walkabout team of devotees was the other lot! Why they fell in behind to march to “Sir’s” tune is a mystery! Didn’t they think things through first? The promise of sudden riches must have glazed over their eyeballs until they could only stagger about drunk with the dream of power!

No doubt a certain lawyer overseas and his legal opinions will have burst the demo balloon! The Commander of the deflated airship will be issuing the “abandon ship” order! With so much leaking gas and much of it quite hot, it’s no wonder the balloon remains aloft,- indefinitely!

After Tuesday, that’s Black Tuesday to the Demo and CIP lot chooks, Jimbo has had 6 new songs enter the hit parade’s Top Ten! Those songs are, “Baby you can’t drive new cars,” “The long and winding road-to reform,” “No day tripper,” Come fly with me but not on Sunday,” “You won’t see me- in the House,” and “I did it my way.”

And “Sir” has just produced a new CD of his own compositions entitled, “Oh lonesome me.” Backing vocals are by the CIP octet.

Police on the Rock already have their hands full with disorderly behaviour from local juvenile delinquents and don’t need to have their stretched resources diverted to dealing with unruly and anti-social behaviour from high ranking outer island politicians! Not what is expected from pillars of society!

The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover has developed wheeled extensions to both legs in place of his toes, enabling him to transport himself with ease to all points of the compass. This revolutionary evolutionary development came about not long after WOG injured and saw no further use for his left knee!

A local chooks says the dog leg like ”kink” in the wharf at Avatiu was installed after Hurricane Sally to help protect the main road and buildings across from the harbour from sea surge. Now the authorities wish to remove that kink and straighten the wharf to accommodate smaller cruise vessels. What about the sea surge from future hurricanes?

Herald Issue 493

A sign on the desk of a former American President said “The Buck stops here.” What do the signs on the desks of some of our top political people say? “Sir’s” desk-“Refer to Shogan.” PM’s desk- “Do not wake me, place the Buck in my pocket.” FinSec Shogan’s desk-“Make that Ten Bucks.” PSC’s desk-“Is the Buck capable of stopping and if so how, when and where?” The Audit Director’s desk-“Is the Buck a counterfeit?”

The current minority government is doing exceedingly well chooks! That’s due in the main to it doing nothing at all! After all, if you’re doing nothing, you can’t get into trouble!

Whispers picked up by Big Red chooks! Didn’t government vehicles get a good thrashing over the holidays! Government offices may not have been open but that did not stop government cars and vehicles buzzing about town! Guess who went on holiday and left his government vehicle in the capable hands of friends to take to the beach! And who was the ex-pat government worker seen unsteady on his feet before driving off in a GA car?
Perhaps next festive season government vehicles should be locked up in a pound and only released to authorized personnel for urgent jobs!

“Sir” is mounting a bigger comeback than “Ben Hur” but is oblivious to the fact public opinion has swung against him because of the TOT- tiff over Toa. Big Red hears whispers the official reports actually show “Sir” is not at fault but the public has decided the buck should have stopped on “Sir’s” desk!

The public are now calling for much more younger people to stand for parliament because the “Grey Hairs “ have made too many blunders of late. Some “Grey Hairs” will still be needed but less store keepers and more cerebral types of the younger ilk are preferred!

Not to be outdone, the Cook Islands is to build a twin to the world’s tallest building, the recently completed Burj Khalifa in Dubai. It will be built on the main island of Aitutaki and will take up all the available land mass and cover part of the lagoon. Unique about the twin building will the fact that the whole population of Aitutaki will move into the building when it is completed. The international airport will be located on the fifth floor of the building. There are a number of logistical problems to overcome such as where to house the 10,000 Chinese construction workers. The cost of about US$1.5 billion to build the tower will be raised from notes issued on the world’s main stock exchanges against future exploitation of the Cook Islands vast manganese nodule deposits that contain trillions of dollars worth of cobalt, nickel and other precious metals.

New security checks at the airport because some nutter decided to strap explosives to the underside of his crotch but it failed to detonate on the plane! Now thanks to him, we all have to endure security people fingering our crotches for explosives before we board the aircraft! And what if someone is wearing crotchless panties? Why don’t airlines just require people to travel naked?

Come to think of it, why not introduce the crotch check to all forms of passenger travel like the inter-island air and shipping services and public buses and taxis. Police in stopping drivers at checkpoints could also undertake checks of motorist’s crotches in addition to breath checks. But why stop there? All persons entering public or government buildings could be subjected to crotch checks as well as all applicants for visas and passports! Passports could even carry photos of the crotch area for overseas immigration to cross check! A crotch cross check!

Herald Issue 492

Big Red has come across some New Year resolutions which seem to have fallen off the back of a truck. A former diplomatic high flyer is on the short list for a Stately function in the land of the black stump, the new Minister for Infrastructure has a smile on his face and someone in high finance recently landed a job the Demo way.

Whisper on coconut wireless is that the Demos are up to something chooks! They are planning something to capture the public’s imagination! It may or may not involve the Commissar! Word is the Commissar’s fingers have been in many pies! Beginning to smell something fishy chooks?

Another whisper picked up on coconut wireless by Big Red is that millions of dolleros of Aid funds are still sitting in a heap because Ministries are not making application to use the dosh! And why is that chooks? It seems Ministry personnel do not know how to prepare submissions or project proposals! Oh dear!

Confused to see “Sir” at the swearing in at the QRs of the new Lord High Mandarins? Dressed casually in open necked shirt, as if he had just strolled up from the beach, had “Sir” not been “Sir” he would have been banned for not having an invite and not meeting the strict dress code. He took up a position behind the new boys, glaring at the PM, drilling the back of the PM’s head with a piercing stare!

Follow da lee-dar, lee-dar, lee-dar, follow da lee-dar! When interviewed on the goggle-box last Thursday about resigning from the inner circle of Lord High Mandarins, Aunty said it was because “Sir” was the lee-dar and if he wasn’t there, because of the interests of the Party, then she shouldn’t be. She went on to say she did not know what was going on but she was happy with her decision! Woe to the keeper of her office! Who let da dogs out? Woof! Woof!

Poor Aunty, on the goggle-box she also muttered something about Jim leaving her out in the snow! Ouch! Was this a sore reference to Copenhagen? Jim kept warm with his VIP pass to get him out of the cold pronto while shivering others had to line up, snuggle up and cuddle up till security let them in!

The public is also barking for the shedding from office of a number of other highly paid high flyers! One is the PSC, a slippery customer, with a silvery, gliding tongue! It will be interesting to see if this star pupil of Sir Humphrey, the High Wizard of civil service-speak, can slither out from under the mounting weight and pressure of calls for his axing!

Red alert chooks! Is there a traditional healer, swami, needle poker or mystic worker of healing hands in the house? The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover is in need of someone who can work some magic on his aching back! WOG claims to be under attack from natural, de-generative cellular forces but others claim it’s a trend that can be bucked!

Word filtering back to Big Red from geologically the oldest rock in the Pacific, is that Jim, on returning to his natural habitat, became somewhat merry and riding upon wave after wave of the ole brew, re-countered to the gathered masses amid raucous laughter and clinking of glasses, the political events that had “Sir” momentarily frozen in the headlights! All were sworn to secrecy!

More whispers on the coconut wireless chooks about Ministry staff being told to zip it and avoid nosey questions about a roaming cargo container. Seems the container went AWOL from the wharf then was spotted days later in Ngatangiia before going AWOL again only to appear up in the hills at the House of Pills.

Herald Issue 491

With the huge fuss over Toa, will we get an early election? Would the Demos get back in? And the CIP? They would have to wake up first!

One chook asks, is the Toa affair really about the money or is it another tall poppy exercise to chop down local boy Porter? Where was the wide spread, highly vocal public outrage about the state of the Health services? Don’t now say the dosh is better spent on health if there’s no loud public outrage about health! Who would want to start a business in this part of the world asks a chook.

All hail the big brave PSC! Nowhere to be seen when he’s really needed he notes Audit about to plough into the Toa affair so he sees his chance to puff up his chest and leap onto the bandwagon, after all there’s safety in numbers! Then after announcing his input, he flees to the safety of Samoa where he can hide out from the political flak no doubt the DPM will subject him to!

With upgrades going on to the Tupapa outpatient’s clinic, chook strolls down to the temporary clinic by the pharmacy. His name is called and he fronts up to the Doc, a medico from overseas who promptly enquires about his medical problem. But it turns out, our fellow was the wrong one summoned!

Word is government is to invite US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton to make a whistle stop tour of the Cook Islands following her official visit to Kiwi Land next year. During her visit Clinton will be presented with a genuine Cook Islands doughnut, a black pearl necklace, a bottle of tai akari, a manganese nodule and a hand written note asking for a soft loan of US$50 million for climate change upgrades.

There’s a whisper chooks that last weekend, the Boys in Blue kindly offered a person a lift home only to discover that upon arrival at his so called residence, he attempted to make off with someone else’s vehicle. The Boys in Blue, still at the scene, then promptly arrested the person and took him “down town” for processing.

From the climate change pow wow in Copenhagen comes word the rich nations will fork out 100 billion dolleros a year to help developing nations cope with the effects of climate change. Question now is how can we grab some of that dosh for ourselves? Unfortunately, we are not exactly a “developing” country although some of government’s actions do appear “third” world! Forget soft loans for infrastructure! Get some of those billions to pay for the upgrades under the guise of “development.”

The rich nations have poo pooed our small island states call for a 1.5 degrees C rise in temperature by agreeing to a 2 degree limit. This means our delegation of 14 spent a lot of time and effort only to hear that the big boys had agreed among themselves, behind closed doors, to a deal benefiting them but not us. It’s a bit like the All Blacks walloping the Mongoose team.

A proposal that the Vaimaanga Hotel site to become the new prison for juveniles is the latest brilliant idea to hit the headlines chooks! Fancy that! Five star tourists rubbing shoulders with purse snatchers, pick pockets and motor bike converters! Talk about adding value to the economy! Purse snatchers grab the tourist’s belongings then government seizes the proceeds from the thieves! Better than charging VAT!

A difference of opinion chooks as to where to wash the dishes at 5am after a staff hoolie. Indoors or outdoors? Much loud discussions ensued until a compromise was eventually reached. Half were washed outside the building and half inside the building!

Herald Issue 490

Now it seems there will be no agreement at the Climate pow wow to reduce emissions so the heat does not go up by more than 1.5 degrees C, it looks like we’re in for a rise in sea level by 1 metre within a generation. This means the millions of dollars we spend on harbour upgrades in the north will have been for nothing! “Sir” needs to get our esteemed comrades from the East to cough up a few more million to upgrade the upgrades!

With the rise in heat levels comes the change in the migration of Tuna and other fish. Will we have a fishing industry left chooks? Will the Chinese want our fishing grounds afterall? Where will the Tuna go?

News to hand chooks is that there is to be an astronomical boost to the Civil List to enable costs of travel by MPs on the new Virgin Space Ship to be included. Current cost is US$200,000 for a short trip into space. Why our MPs would need to travel on the space ship is unknown but there just may be a CPA conference somewhere in space. In line with current policy, MPs spending tax payer’s money on space flights need not submit any reports following their trip. Richard Branson, owner of Virgin Space Ships, is said to be somewhat mystified but pleased with the announcement.

And news to hand that Richard Branson is to be conferred with the status of honorary Permanent Resident. Branson is said to be somewhat mystified but pleased with the announcement.

And further news is that Richard Branson is to be given the freedom of the town of Avarua and a key to the Town (Unlocks the door to the public toilet). Branson is said to be somewhat mystified but pleased with the announcement.

Chooks news to hand that government is to establish a national airline and is to purchase five 20 year old C130 Hercules military aircraft from the friendly nation of Pakistan. The cost was heavily discounted on account of the numerous bullet holes in the fuselage and some planes had wings partly shot away. Nevertheless, the Hercules aircraft are ideal for landing on the short, unsealed northern airstrips and beaches. China is said to be footing the US$50 million bill by way of a soft loan. China is also said to be willing to fit bomb bay type doors to the underside of the planes and has even suggested the new airline be called something along the lines of “The Glorious National Defensive Air Force of the Courageous Peoples Manganese Nodule Depository of the Cook Islands.”

Big question on all demo MP’s lips chooks is what is Santa “Sir” Christmas going to bring! Firstly, how about a fat juicy Supplementary Budget? Plenty in it for all! The QR is hoping to open his Christmas stocking to find a new contract for a further term and with a big pay hike to boot! Perhaps new vehicles all round for the team! And not to forget, a little boost in the kitty for those long overseas trips to all corners of the globe, in first class! Yes it’s all shaping up to be a jolly, ho, ho, ho, Christmas!

Of course the opposition will also be hoping for a little something in their Christmas stocking! A pay rise for the Leader? A new office? A new car? A big bump up in pay? A bigger budget for the office? More staff?

The new direct air link with Sydney is fine chooks but most Cookies would have preferred a direct link to Cairns or Brisie where most of the cousie bros hang out.Such a link is better when the mass exodus begins.

Herald Issue 489

Oh dear chooks! Over 20 motorbikes from the Copper’s compound buried up in the bushy hills near the land fill by a major contractor. Whisper is the bikes were buried in one big hole as is complete with batteries containing sulphuric acid and brakes with asbestos lining. Had the fuel been drained? Was NES consulted? Why were the bikes not sold for parts?

The worst type of government “leak” chooks is the leak in the water pipes! But chooks, government has a brilliant solution! It involves the application of strips of rubber from the inner tube of a bicycle tyre! Wound tightly around a leaky pipe, it reduces a full scale gush to a mere trickle! Perhaps the rubber could be used to stop that other type of government “leak!”

Word to hand chooks that a number of MPs are going in for Body Building in the “Masters” division! Rasmussen is rumoured to be down to contest the “Mr World” Champs while “Sir” has entered the “Mr Universe” Champs.

Do you not find it extraordinary chooks how when the Audit snoops uncover an anomaly, there seems to be no trace of any written records and no mental recall on the part of employees! Will MPs raise a question in the House as to the whereabouts of the missing 15,000 condoms?

Chook strolled uptown Monday in bright sun shine, for a spot of retail therapy only to be drenched on the return journey by a sudden, persistent down pour of a mysterious liquid substance closely resembling rain! Much chatter from the weather office of drought conditions may be open to interpretation!

News chooks that a certain public identity celebrated his 21st birthday on the day of Saturn not once but mysteriously, three times! The “gated” shindig in the bushes in the hills was by engraved platinum invitation only and some nostrils may be disjointed on learning who made the “A” list or in this case the “AA+” list!

Comment from Torne Jeans who steers Tourism, in response to an Audit on the 2008 LA subsidy that Tourism did not see a full blown recession coming, takes the cake. Our government’s economic whiz kids knew back in December 2007 about the seriousness of the advancing recession. We don’t need an Aussie to take the fall for a government that’s been asleep!

Certain MP was to fix the local Sports Centre in her first year as an MP. Chooks, stroll up the Valley and see the progress for yourself! It’s fixed alright! Fixed in “no go!”

Drought chooks? Of course we have a drought! Government has failed to fix the leaking water pipes so naturally we have no water! But wait! Government has a brilliant solution! Give people a water tank! Yep! Get your tank! Hook up the pump! Hook up the pipes to the water main! Turn on the tap! Hello! Where’s the water? There’s none because the main pipe is leaking! Next brilliant suggestion?

Where’s the logic chooks? To stop tourists from pooping in the bushes, overseas aid dosh is used to put up a flush toilet by the trail! But tourists continue to drop their trou and their doo daas in the foliage! Reason? No sign on the door to indicate the building is a loo! To top it off, the door is locked! Oh poop!

Oh dear chooks! Ever vigilant bug lady has found a new bug! A small dude attracted to bright colours and which excretes an irritating, acidic squirt! Lamb Land Boffins are at a loss as to the little insect’s ID! What do you expect? That it was carrying a passport?

Herald Issue 488

Three hearty cheers for Aunty on deciding that trooping half way round the world to visit Monaco was far more important than attending the debate on the new Sea Bed Bill in Parliament! Wouldn’t you rather visit and cuddle up to Albert, the Prince of Monaco rather than sit droopy eyed through a boring dissertation by “Sir” on an extraordinary long and boring Bill? Seems three other MPs also chose to be elsewhere!

Word is next year Vaka Eiva will feature an ultra long distance race from Aitutaki to Raro! The canoes will have a crew of 20 with 10 paddling at any one time. Support vessels will include the Patrol Boat, Vaka Te O Au Tonga and Taio Shipping’s new vessel. In Aitutaki, the race will be preceded by a cross Aitutaki Lagoon race between crews using the Kingsbury designed and built, six person paddle boats! It should be quite exciting!

It seems “Sir” personally took the Sea Bed application to the Big Apple because he did not trust the mail bag and because the London lot said it would be good for our economy if he went! What we deduce from this is if that lot in London told “Sir” he would do wonders for our economy if he were to jump off a cliff, would he do just that? C’mon, you can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all the time! The simple fact is, “Sir” did not have to go at all. And where pray are the benefits to our economy?

By the time we are ready to bring the nodules to the surface, most of our population will have fled in economic desperation into the welcoming bosom of Queensland State! Cookies wanting to get back to enjoy the nodule riches will find all available land taken by foreigners!

Should Big Norm be allowed to practice in Court? Consider this, one day Big Norm sits in the House passing laws for our Courts to enforce. The next day Big Norm is in Court arguing with the High Beak as to what the law means! Should the Chief Beak tell Big Norm he’s either an MP or a Lawyer but not both?

Chooks at paddling time there should be two competitions. One for the “serious” bods and one for the “social” bods. When all bods are mixed into the same race, how does one judge the international standing of our local bods?

What was the outcome of the jolly trip for four to Tanzania chooks? Dead silence! 80 big “G’s” of public funds spent on a trip to a chin wag for members of the MP’s private club-the CPA and not a word since! How many other MPs from the Pacific region of the CPA attended the chin wag in the East African region of the CPA? And how come we never seem to see African MPs at Pacific region chin wags? And our greatest gift to the people of Tanzania? A doughnut with a hole in the middle of it!

Bad luck has struck one Mangaian MP on the wharf upgrade as his 8 tonne Komatsu digger decided to jump into the water for a swim! Bad luck because, the machine will need to be stripped down and cleaned! Now that’s “down time” the MP did not need!

Dan Brown, the world famous author of such block buster novels as “The Da Vinci Code” is to write a new book based on events in Rarotonga. Just as “The Da Vinci Code” featured the brilliant Renaissance inventor Leonardo Da Vinci, Brown’s new novel, “The Kingsbury Code” is based around new renaissance man and inventor Ken Kingsbury inventor of the revolutionary six man paddle boat.

Herald Issue 487

Three hearty cheers for Aunty on deciding that trooping half way round the world to visit Monaco was far more important than attending the debate on the new Sea Bed Bill in Parliament! Wouldn’t you rather visit and cuddle up to Albert, the Prince of Monaco rather than sit droopy eyed through a boring dissertation by “Sir” on an extraordinary long and boring Bill? Seems three other MPs also chose to be elsewhere!

Word is next year Vaka Eiva will feature an ultra long distance race from Aitutaki to Raro! The canoes will have a crew of 20 with 10 paddling at any one time. Support vessels will include the Patrol Boat, Vaka Te O Au Tonga and Taio Shipping’s new vessel. In Aitutaki, the race will be preceded by a cross Aitutaki Lagoon race between crews using the Kingsbury designed and built, six person paddle boats! It should be quite exciting!

It seems “Sir” personally took the Sea Bed application to the Big Apple because he did not trust the mail bag and because the London lot said it would be good for our economy if he went! What we deduce from this is if that lot in London told “Sir” he would do wonders for our economy if he were to jump off a cliff, would he do just that? C’mon, you can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all the time! The simple fact is, “Sir” did not have to go at all. And where pray are the benefits to our economy?

By the time we are ready to bring the nodules to the surface, most of our population will have fled in economic desperation into the welcoming bosom of Queensland State! Cookies wanting to get back to enjoy the nodule riches will find all available land taken by foreigners!

Should Big Norm be allowed to practice in Court? Consider this, one day Big Norm sits in the House passing laws for our Courts to enforce. The next day Big Norm is in Court arguing with the High Beak as to what the law means! Should the Chief Beak tell Big Norm he’s either an MP or a Lawyer but not both?

Chooks at paddling time there should be two competitions. One for the “serious” bods and one for the “social” bods. When all bods are mixed into the same race, how does one judge the international standing of our local bods?

What was the outcome of the jolly trip for four to Tanzania chooks? Dead silence! 80 big “G’s” of public funds spent on a trip to a chin wag for members of the MP’s private club-the CPA and not a word since! How many other MPs from the Pacific region of the CPA attended the chin wag in the East African region of the CPA? And how come we never seem to see African MPs at Pacific region chin wags? And our greatest gift to the people of Tanzania? A doughnut with a hole in the middle of it!

Bad luck has struck one Mangaian MP on the wharf upgrade as his 8 tonne Komatsu digger decided to jump into the water for a swim! Bad luck because, the machine will need to be stripped down and cleaned! Now that’s “down time” the MP did not need!

Dan Brown, the world famous author of such block buster novels as “The Da Vinci Code” is to write a new book based on events in Rarotonga. Just as “The Da Vinci Code” featured the brilliant Renaissance inventor Leonardo Da Vinci, Brown’s new novel, “The Kingsbury Code” is based around new renaissance man and inventor Ken Kingsbury inventor of the revolutionary six man paddle boat.

Herald Issue 486

New edict from the Palace of the Ruling Mandarins chooks! From now on no qualifications will be needed for any Stately tenures! Out the window they go! Applicants need only produce sackfuls of letters of commendation attesting to their ability! As long as applicants can show they made every effort to get a qualification in the last 20 years, they’re in! Who needs Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, the USP? And what say ye those who put in years of study at great personal cost and sacrifice to gain a higher level of qualification to secure a good job?

Chooks there’s no truth to the rumour that our Jim stole the show at the FAO Food Security meeting in Roma, Italia by planting a juicy one smack dang on the lips of Szarkozy’s missus! And absolutely no truth in the rumour he borrowed a couple of solid gold candle sticks during his visit to the Vatican’s St Peters!

Holy revelation chooks! Word has reached Big Red that there has been a changing of the keys at the Chinese built indoor sports arena cum new ski slope! No longer is there a different key for every door! Where once, the Official Opener of the Doors (OOD) carried a bunch of keys bigger than a bunch of Marlborough grapes, now OOD needs only tote about three or four!

Chooks, wouldn’t you like to visit the homes of those who scoff whatever milk is left in the carton in the fridge at work and leaves the empty in the fridge for someone else to pick up? Ever wondered what sort of empty cartons these people keep in their fridges at home?

They were caught out weren’t they chooks! That lot that attended the secret squirrel meeting in Arorangi at a private residence to chin wag about forming a new political party! Three of the MPs who were there got their names public quickly possibly in an attempt to distance themselves from the event! But too late, no-one’s fooled. When the Herald spilled the beans on their little pow wow, the three must have realized the Herald knew more than it let on so they went public knowing the game may be up!

Woe to government! Woe to the scholars! The great hall of the Princess is out of bounds because it is chock full of beds! Beds? Unsold beds left over from the Mini-Games! No wonder the prize giving was transferred to the Chinese built indoor sports stadium!

Speaking of the indoor sports stadium, word is it has now suffered its first defect! One of the doors has collapsed and will not open! Came as no surprise to some in Ministerial quarters! The original plan suffered cuts here and there until we ended up with a cheaper, no frills barn!

As predicted by the knowledgeable “Hole” the stadium has become the new slippery slope for local kids seeking thrills after school. Problem now is how to stop the kiddies from dangerously sliding down the sides of the building and injuring themselves? What about motor bike riders seeking bigger thrills by zooming up and down the ramps? Will government impose an “Amusement Device” fee to recover the cost of the building?

Word is chooks a desperate and nearly broke government is sniffing around for new revenue streams! Now Big Red hears “Sir” is looking at raking a levy off what boats in the north earn from the canneries to see what more they can squeeze out of operators! Last year operators sold some US$8 million of fish to the canneries and our government got zilch! If “Sir” gets to skim a fraction of that off for the northern group then that’s great but with the cupboard practically bare, guess where the dosh is likely to end up chooks!

Herald Issue 485

Two more guests of Her Majesty’s Arorangi Penitentiary strolled out through the revolving doors last Saturday chooks! Off to retail therapy? No escape for the staff though.

Odd calls heard at the Sevens chooks! A call for Doctor Tupou Faireka! Tupou a Doctor? Talk about rapid advancement through Medical School! Then, confirmation government chooks were not their desks! Public announcement for a GA vehicle blocking the driveway to be shifted! More calls then one last call to “MS” to move his car or it will be towed and the tyres removed! But chooks it was not “MS’s” car at all but one of “Sir’s” staff! And Big Red hears all 3 of “Sir’s” office cars were at the Sevens! Where was MS? Practising his dance steps of course!

Talk about bending the rules chooks! Who other than “Sir” would trot more than the allowable 20m in a golden oldies rugby game? Wearing those coloured shorts, no-one was allowed to tackle him! What coloured shorts does “Sir” wear to Cabinet?

Not to be outdone, workshop attendees line up for fish ’n chips with sauce. Tomato sauce? You must be kidding! It has to be mushroom sauce-what else?

The rumour mill is crunching over again chooks. Big Red has heard that the top rooster and chook at our famous Kapong known for ‘sackings and tearing up tangata rikiriki’s contracts’ are dishing it out again. Uno momento one of the replacements of the dumped two ‘30-day home visitors’ finds himself awarded the wooden spoon and booted home as well. When will someone find out what is actually going down amigo, as employees are being signed onto the team and coming off the inter-change bench only to find themselves kicked for touch. How about signing these two onto an ‘organisational behaviour and HR workshop? Or, kick them both for touch so they can share the moment?

Big Red has been alerted that the former skipper of our famous team “SOE” was seen back on the rock the other day. Unfortunately he missed the mini-games and could have been selected on the team but anyway he doesn’t qualify. Just wondering whether he is here to get his old job back as it hasn’t been filled since he left despite two attempts to find someone. Will be very interesting what happens next. Will the top rooster buy into it? I scratch your back, you scratch my back. I give you the job to keep locals away and I find another strategy to keep mine warm.

Now that new PR’s will have to learn conversational local lingo, one local is setting up a language school to cater for new PRs. At “Da Skool uff Eenglush” they will learn how to speaka da local lingo like, “Wassup cuzzie bro, wezza smack?” and “Bro, wezza happy bakky?” and “Hey cuzzie, haff ya got da dakka?” Of course the Ruling Mandarins still have to decide which one of the 10 or so dialects will be the official one. What about the old Yorkshire English dialect spoken by the Palmerston islanders? How about “Parliament speak” with words like, “Gimmee 80 grand!”

Poor Rodney of the Act Party in Enzed! He blew 50 grand of Enzed tax payers dosh on a first class air trip to the UK for him and his dolly bird! Still falls short though of the 80 grand our lot spent on their first class air trip to East Africa! How come the Enzed media hasn’t cottoned on to that?

And Big Red has this bit of advice for the slippery, per diem double dipping CEO of a State agency-enjoy it while you can because one day Audit will catch up with you!

Herald Issue 484

What has happened to the case involving the former head of Tourism? When will all parties be summoned before the High Beak? Why the delay? Are the ruling Stately Mandarins now seeking monetary recompense instead? The cone of silence has been lowered chooks and covered by a rug leaving us all in the dark!

Why did a Stately Mandarin from the ruling High Cabal suddenly order a Head of Mandarin from the Middle Kingdom to urgently recall his predecessor? What is in the wind chooks? What is being ministered?

Why are the fuel lot being taken before the High Beak by the landowners chooks? Did someone spill something? Technos from Lamb Land due up to have a nosey we hear. Land owners are asking for a compensating whopper near two mil word is.

What’s “Sir” up to with the Mauke seat chooks? With Big Mapu due to step down next ballot day and his protégé, a local lad, schooled and ready to step up, it seems “Sir” has other ideas. Why else would “Sir” rope big “Huey” fresh from Lamb Land into the local water project? Is “Sir” lining big “Huey” up to stand for Mauke? When will “Sir” stand down himself? Who will fill his shoes? Will it be the Banker or does “Sir” have other plans?

Moldova chooks! That’s the country to strike up a closer relationship with! Why? Because Moldova like the Cooks, is suffering from depopulation! The able bodied are leaving to search for work leaving behind the elderly and the young! Government must quickly send a large, fact finding delegation of MPs, by air first class to Moldova! They would appreciate a visit from Cook Islands MPs after getting over their initial puzzlement! It does not matter about cost or that Moldova is not in the Commonwealth let alone the South Pacific or even a member of the CPA!

Cheaper to deal with Uncle Sam chooks? Goods from the land of the free seem to be a lot cheaper! Want a ride on mower? USA import is less than five grand! Kiwi import goes for around eight grand! Mutt chow also retails for a lot cheaper chooks!

Woe this Christmas to the hoteliers! Forward lodgings appear low! Oh woe! Even the number of Cookies heading back for family tidings under the tinseled up tree look to be low! Woe to the fly boys!

Borrow! Borrow! Borrow! Those lending our Stately Mandarins and Wizards of the Loot piles of dosh, must know something we lowly types do not know! While local serfs are asking how the dosh will ever be repaid, especially in this lifetime, the Stately Mandarins seem unconcerned and keep welcoming wave after wave of offers of dosh with open vaults and those eager to lend out the dosh seem unconcerned about our ability to pay back the hand that feeds us! End result chooks? One massive mortgagee sale and foreign bidders moving in to take us over!

Whisper is out chooks that neither political party wants to win the next election! Why? Because the mess has become too big, too difficult to fix! Both sides are doing their best to avoid a win! The Demo lot continues to mess up big time in the hope no-one will vote for them and the CIP lot have fled into hiding so no-one will know they exist!

Who is the Stately Lord of the Middle Kingdom who is under so much stress from orders and edicts emanating from the Palace that he puffs and knocks back during working hours? The stress levels imposed by his Ministering Lord High Ruling Mandarin must be so astronomical, he is said to act this way even in the presence of the Ministerial Mandarin himself!

Herald Issue 483

Oh dear chooks! Did “Sir” put the cart before the horse? On local goggle box news, “Sir” said the daily papyrus of the day before, had not mentioned that “Sir” had requested the gang of five approve getting a Silk from Lamb Land to sort out the legal morass surrounding the fuel farm! Well, hello! “Sir” perhaps should have informed the public that the notice which had been done, was put on hold.

Reports from the top level pow wow of high ranking Wizards of Pacific Stately coffers, speak of a cloak of secrecy and fear of digital image recording devices! Perhaps afraid of having their Stately powers captured by micro-chips and being rendered mere mortals, was the reason for a ban on random clicking.

Oops chooks! Mystery on the door step! Container arrives from Lamb Land with goodies for the House of Pills on the Hill! But where did the metal box go chooks? It finally turns up but the beds are missing! Gone! What did the enquiry reveal chooks? It revealed the metal box somehow made a detour to Ngatangiia! What was it doing there?

Media relations and liaison boo boo leading up to the Forum Economic Ministers chin wag chooks! No notification of the upcoming conference from any official source. No time table of events, no list of who was attending, no advice that the Ministers would be spending the weekend in Aitutaki! No notification to attend the official opening. What action will “Sir” take?

Boo hoo! Reformists want to reduce the number of MPs from 24 to 19! Chooks, there is something wrong with that scenario! Firstly, you cannot have an uneven number in the House! Even numbers ensure the possibility of a tie and the Speaker using his casting vote! No even numbers, no casting vote! Boo hoo! Also reducing numbers only mean you go from 24 bad eggs to 19 bad eggs!

While all were raving over Little Jim’s award for services to pugilism during the Mini-Games, commiseration for the one they forgot! The Hole man also did wonderful work with the gloves and the programme! Not only in the manly art but also other forms of exertion! Trouble is the Hole man also ruffled a few feathers over the years. C’mon CISNOC get the dude a gong!

Poor “Sir” must have writer’s cramp by now! “Sir” has been flat out signing papyrus documents of international repute left, right and centre during this past week! Holed up at a fancy resort out west chin wagging with Dosh Mandarins from over the waves, “Sir” has been putting quill to quarto with machine gun like application all in the name of buddy buddy, nod nod, wink wink, you tell me, I’ll tell you, back scratching!

Hosting the Dosh Mandarins chin wag must have cost we tax slaves a pretty penny chooks! No wonder the Stately Lords kept the diversion north to the blue lagoons hush hush!

Now the Stately delegation is back safe and sound from darkest Africa, will a report see the light of day chooks? Will the leader of the delegation be briefing the media and advising the public what returns to expect from the $80,000 invested in the visit to East Africa? Will Tanzania be opening trade with the Cooks? Will there be cultural exchanges? Will the Tanzanians pay us a visit? After all, we went there! Will they send a sports team to run on the $1.3 million all weather track at the new stadium?

Chooks will our politicians learn something from the renovation of Takamoa Theological College? The work was all done and without tax payer funding! Now, how can MPs come up with a new parliament without tax payer input?

Herald Issue 482

Chooks, seems the “gagging order” is the latest fad! Don’t like someone? Get a gagging order! Don’t like an explanation from a Minister of the Crown? Gag him! Look for Gagging order workshops to be run! Problem is, the lecturer may be “gagged!”

Why bother to become a republic chooks, with our own El Presidente? We have a de facto Presidente already in the form of “Sir.” “Sir” already runs everything!

Why don’t we trot down the same road as Tahiti chooks? Abolish all income tax on earnings and hike VAT up. Of course this will mean a flat white will go up from $4 to $10. While we’re at it, ensure we have no capital earnings tax or gift tax either! In fact abolish all forms of tax and just have VAT on everything!

You’ve got to congratulate the authorities in charge of our prison chooks! We have the world’s only lock up which has a revolving door! Prisoners may leave when they feel like it. Six prisoners have recently exercised that right! One did it twice!

Woe to the island of Mangaia chooks! Woe, woe, woe! 25 of the island’s finest young have quit their Stately jobs and have departed to work overseas for 8 months in freezing works in Kiwi Land’s south island! Starting on over $14 an hour which is heaps better than the miserly penance the Mandarins fork out for them in Mangaia! These former government serfs were getting $40 a week in the hand-how can anyone survive on that? Now around 200 elderly and young folk are all that are left on a once bustling island which exported citrus fruit. Government inaction has reduced Managia to a shadow of its former self! Bring on the beef cattle Yahsu!

Top public servants owe their jobs and livelihood to their political masters. But when public servants decide to bite the hand that provides their feed, they do it by raising policies that equate to political suicide! Suicide that is, at election time!

The Greenpeace boat is doing such a wonderful job at hunting down illegal fishing vessels, our patrol boat may as well scrub illegal fishing off its programme! Think of the saving in fuel!

Government Ministries and agencies might like to start paying some of their long outstanding bills to the private sector so the private sector can get on with its business. One of the worst offenders chooks? None other than MFEM itself. The agency responsible for the pulling in tax and levies and money from others can’t even honour its own bills and pay up! What does that tell you chooks about their efficiency?

What’s the bet chooks, the Mini-Games will end up costing government/taxpayer over $30 million? And that will be the bills we know about, that government wants us to see!
When is the next big track meet chooks? Will Usain Bolt be invited to an Invitational Meet? CISNOC needs to arrange an Invitational Meet soon before the facilities deteriorate through lack of interest! Be bold, invite the Kenyans, the Tanzanians (weren’t our MPs just there?) the Ethiopians, somebody! Anybody!

Seems Big Mac did one thing right during the Mini-Games! He turned down a request from the Tini to fund basketball! You see basketball was not one of the sports at the Mini-Games! Those funds for basketball will have to come from the Tini’s bag of dosh! Good one Big Mac!

Will the Cook Islands sevens team be at the Olympics in Rio? If our lads start getting up to speed now, they just might be! However, in good Cook Islands style, they’ll probably start training the day before the qualifying games where they will probably be beaten by Tuvalu!

Herald Issue 480

Chooks, we felt the effects of the tsunami at low tide with a sea surge two metres high. This brought the sea up level with the wharf at Jacks. The surge was very strong. Now imagine high tide and the water two metres above the level of the wharf at Jacks! There would have been a disaster causing millions of dosh worth of damage not to mention possible loss of life. This possibility does not seem to have sunk in or instilled much urgency in our EMCI let alone our politicians. So let’s see some urgency-less spending on overseas jaunts and more on protecting the people! No wonder the Tourism Wallahs are Hopping mad!

Question chooks! What will you find at No 10, western end of Sea Wall Road? Still looking for that street sign? Found No 10 yet? No? Give up? It’s the Met Office!

Legacy? What legacy chooks? Government wants the codes to cough up the dosh! But chooks, a legacy is a thing handed down-like in a will. And what sports code, pray tell, has the dosh to pay for anything? Will Athletics Cook Islands be able to fork out $1.3 mill for their track?

What of the Indoor Stadium now the Games are over chooks? Who gets residency at the great hall of sport? Will CISNOC call all codes to a pow wow? What charges will apply? And what of the boxing ring still stranded in Samoa? Can we flog it off to our Samoan cousies for a song?

Some of our PNG cousies are still here chooks! School can’t resume till they fly out but they are here till the weekend. Will they go chooks? And what of our esteemed brothers from the Land of the Great Wall? Where are they? Did any actually go home?

Beds, beds, beds chooks! Mini-Games are over but those who placed deposits on beds are somewhat slowish to put up the rest of the dosh and pick up their wares! Frantic calls by PMG Council bods are not having the desired effect of closing the sales and shipping the cots out!

Sirens to warn of a tsunami? What sirens? At $4,000 each-far too expensive! Better to spend millions on sporting facilities! More staff for EMCI? What! Surely not! Certainly not this government! Safety of tourists and visiting sportspersons? Bah!

MP explains $80,000 spent on Tanzania trip. If we don’t go, they won’t come! Chooks, we can now expect a visit from some Tanzanian MPs! What school will adopt them?

And this tit bit chooks from one of our Samoan pals. The Samoan purchased some sarongs from a local shop. However, before leaving the shop, decided it was not what was wanted so asked for a refund which was refused. Surely the new Fair Trading laws cover this situation? Beware chooks, no exceptions, tsunami and all! Bring on the new Commerce Commission!

With the Mini-Games over, overseas Chef who came over from Kiwi Land to cook for the Mini-Games, is forced to go hunting for his pay! Chef was supposed to be paid weekly but this did not happen. And where was the head man? He had shot off to Kiwi Land and was not due back for several days! But what about the Chef’s pay? Again another negative and bad image is projected about the Cook Islands! Pay the man!

And speaking of non-payments, pity the security guard for the World Youth Netball Champs who is still waiting for his dosh! He says he’s being shoved from pillar to post! C’mon you slackers, pay the man!

Herald Issue 479

Head of disaster bits allegedly heard to mutter that reports of water leaving the harbour were exaggerated, well hello! Did he not see in person, or the TV shots of boats sitting on the harbour floor by Jacks? The big crowd that did would not share the Disaster man’s view!

Spotted behind a truck a few nights ago chooks, a hungry group of lads from Bula Land squatting on the ground tucking into a large pot of self made tucker and enjoying it! What about the catered nosh?

Also spotted in a downtown store chooks, overseas athletes buying up tins of corned beef in great numbers, then later, whipping off the lids and tucking into the cold, yummy, beef!

Seen in Avatiu in front of the famous takeaway by the sea, VIP cars used by Mini-Games personnel and the personnel themselves squaffing down the burgers! What does this say about the catered nosh chooks?

Talk about team bonding chooks! Last weekend, Big Red heard only 18 CI athletes were at their Titikaveka digs! Where were the rest? Home it seems, in a comfy bed getting a peaceful night’s kip! Sure beats dozing off 20 to a room!

Oh dear chooks! Seems some overseas journos with media passes arrived at the National Auditorium to cover the Boxing matches only to be told at the door they had to pay $10 to get in! Is our PMG Council that strapped for cash?

Also on the subject of Boxing, there was much confusion when parents taking their kiddies along were told about a special rate for kiddies then they were told kiddies had to pay the adult rate!

Forget the medals being won by local and overseas athletes chooks! The local petty thieves have been picking up Gold all over the place and in various events! Six soccer balls have been stolen along with golf flags from some of the greens and some of the large water bottles have also disappeared!

Brilliant new athletic track chooks but only one major snag! Laying the track shortened the rugby field and now no international games can be played at the stadium! Oh woe!

Major cock ups on the Mini-Games catering front chooks! Not enough nosh at some venues and too much food left over at others! Seems the athletes are choosing to eat out and locals are putting on big feeds for some teams!

Seems no-one is keen to take possession of the bunks and bedding used by a certain team chooks! At a previous Games in Palau, it is said the same team’s bunks and bedding went into the lake of fire!

Woe to netball! Woe to our netball coach and manager! Will they face the axe over failing to make team changes during the Fiji game which saw our gals dip out narrowly by two ticks? Surely when nothing is going right, you make changes? Things are hardly rosie all round!

Chooks, the World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover has had an argument with a coffee table! After losing his footing trying to tote a bucket of water belonging to an adopted canine, he collided with the edge of a table gashing two legs and bruising one! Along came a witch doctor with a native poultice guaranteed to do the job within four days but WOG-L pronounced his faith in white man’s magic known as the anti-bi-otic!

Herald Issue 478

Chooks did you spot the presentation of the beautifully carved kumete bowl to the Fijian team at the Indoor Stadium the other day? Notice how the kumete bowl was just handed over without any pomp and traditional ceremony! A memorable occasion? Bah! And no mention in the speech that it was carved by a great Cook Island carver.

After being flooded with spaghetti for the athlete’s chooks, will we see the great spaghetti sale following the games chooks? How will the spaghetti mountain be reduced chooks? Spaghetti on toast, spaghetti pizza, spaghetti and cheese sandwiches, spaghetti and tomato toasted sandwiches, spaghetti and egg toasted sandwiches! Will the price will start high then drop by 50 cents to give you all a massive saving?

One Mini-Games team chooks, faced with mince and rice for breakfast decided to eat in town! Same team faced with rather hard fish for dinner decided to trip into town again!

What price our former iconic ale chooks? Word from the Captain is that the Penny has dropped and so has 80 “G’s” chooks! Now we’re Cook-ing!

Is our government not embarrassingly red faced chooks? Our struggling sports teams receiving sporting clothing from overseas donors! How much longer do we have to accept handouts like common street beggars because our government is so stingy -except of course when it comes to MPs! “Sir” splashed out over $20,000 in his first unnecessary trip to the Big Apple. That dosh could have bought a lot of sports uniforms! Our polies need to think what could be a better use for the dosh before spending it on themselves. Put the needs of ordinary people and the nation first!

The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover is convinced that what the Chinese want in return for all the dosh they’ve loaned us, is a big parcel of fishing licenses and in exchange, they will ask, no, tell us to deduct the cost ($40,000 per license) from what we owe them. Is that a fair swap chooks? It would reduce what we owe but at what social cost? Sure, they’ll suck up all the finned stuff from our seas and pump dosh into the local economy but are we ready for an influx of Chinese fishermen?

A native of the Land of the Rising Sun will be on shore in October to precede the arrival on the big island to the south of 150 large, four legged, horned cud chewers! No doubt their arrival may unsettle the natives and lead the wild pig population to protest at this new threat to their free reign on the island! Imagine a herd of 150 stampeding through downtown! Get the picture?

Talking about the Land of the Rising Sun, their Ambassadorial Hat was on shore and would have been mildly surprise that his command of the English language was way better than that of the locals! Of course the fellow was probably educated at Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard or Yale!

Whisper doing the rounds chooks is that that old hotel site out at the big “V” may become the new dollied up campus for an exotic, paradisic centre of learning for higher paying foreign scholars-an English Language School! Word is our French indoctrinated cousies to the East may be first in line to sign on for courses followed by droves of our esteemed and beloved comrades from the Land of the Great Wall! Maybe the first course could be “Understanding Cook Islands curses!”

Herald Issue 477

Where did the 200 “G’s” to get the Pukapuka team to the Rock come from chooks? What Palace hat did the Grand High Wizard of the Money Box spirit this out of? Merlinic legend has it came from none other than the cavernous pockets of Prince Mac of Mok! As a result Prince Mac has had to trim back activities in his realm much to the dismay of his loyal Mok Castle subjects!

Scary stuff chooks! Six sleeps out from the Mini-games and hello! No water in Tepuka! What! What was all that recent activity aimed at? You know, the cutting up of the roads and laying down pipes! Where’s the Big Boy?

The appearance of the metal framework for the weightlifting platform for the Mini-Games has some old headshaking from side to side chooks. Worry is the structure may not be strong enough to take the force of some really big weights dropping from a great height! Consider this chooks, young Sam is over six feet tall and with his hands raised, that big weight is over eight feet in the air! Imagine over 200kg crashing down at speed. Not once but several times!

Hands up all those senior civil servants who mow their Minister’s lawns! Incredible! So many! Now hands up all those senior civil servants far too busy to mow their Minister’s lawns. Nobody?

Chooks the Mini-Games torch will be making its way through Lamb Land before boarding an aircraft for these shores! Question is will the torch be fast ferried across Manihiki lagoon fitted with a $10,000 strand of pearls like last time? Remember when that strand came off the torch and sank to the bottom of the lagoon never to be seen again!

Oh woe! Whisper is the Acting Top Hat at the Bureau of Foreign Matters is a tad askew at not getting a ticket from the Leader for the last run of the State gravy train. He missed the whistle stop tour to the Geneva shoulder rub and talkfest on climate and the side excursion to Lamb Land for the pal-ly wal-ly chin wag with Johnno and our esteemed and beloved comrades from the East. Now it seems likely he will miss the Rome express and the Copenhagen cruise!

Seems quite a number of prominent persons went AWOL and were not on parade for the big beachside BBQ lunch with string band put on by the Prime Top Hat of High Command for the Maori King at Muri beach. With about $7,000 of some $25,000 budgeted for the lunch, does this mean a saving to the tax payer?

Thinking of standing for an outer island seat currently up for grabs? Go along to the ruling Mandarins conference, dip your big toe in and test the waters then go along to the other conference and suss out what they’ve got to offer. Neither offer any good? Go Independent! Ooopppssss! What about the other fellow?

Have the State Mandarins been using the Mini-Games budget like a piggy bank for other unrelated costs cropping up? What will an audit of its accounts reveal?

Where is the boxing ring for the Mini-Games chooks? Only days out from the start of the pugilism punch-fest and there’s no sign of a ring! Seems the supplier is trying to hike up costs his end knowing this end chooks are sweating!

Herald Issue 476

Woe to the Demos! Their Executive organized the conference but forgot the PM would not be back from overseas. Now they are saying it’s because not all delegates will be present! Shame! Trying to cover up their huge embarrassment at calling a conference at a time when the PM and Punas were off the Rock! How incompetent is that? The public must be thinking what a bunch of wallies!

You can not only slip and slide off wet, muddy ground chooks but you can also slip and slide off short-lists for jobs as one potential Head Mandarin discovered! Big Red hears whispers from above followed by nodding below saw one contestant get bumped from consideration for a top jobbie! The “OE”-official explanation, was the higher ups had lost contact but electronic records show otherwise! Then suddenly chooks, in a sea of big fish, an even bigger fish sped in and chomped up the “Job Whisperer” putting the kai wash on the whole shee-bang. Now the jobbie will be back in centre ring! May the best scrapper win!

Word reaching Big Red’s ears is that a Supplementary Budget will be slapped on the table sooner than you think chooks! Seems our spend crazed government is having a cash flow problem! Whisper is a draft proposal has already reached the upper levels of State Mandarism and soon the word to move forward will come thundering down from the clouds!

The cash flow problem must really be biting deep chooks so government reversed a plan to abolish the departure tax for the under 12’s! But then chooks, Cabinet reversed things again and abolished the departure tax for children! Oh dear, seems officials did not do their home work!

Who put up the 200 G’s for the plane to Pukapuka to pick up the dance team? Where did the dosh come from?

One new HOM going to be peeved when she discovers the higher ups don’t give two hoots about any wish list she might have! What HOMs soon learn is that all their good intentions for working minor miracles quickly fade into obscurity when the political hoons, drunk with power, seize the wheel and slam the accelerator spend up pedal to the metal!

There may have been a heap of rain lately chooks and it may have filled the intakes making the big boy joyous but some households in Ruaau still had no water! How does the big boy explain that?

On rubbing his big balls frantically, crystal balls that is, the inner mists have cleared revealing to Big Red a frightful vision of future events! A high flying State Mandarin, a Knight of the realm soars off to greener pastures near the waters, a major cabal of much favoured Mandarins is dismantled, a man of many complicated words waves the white flag and Grey hairs gets the flick for a slot machine also known by another name!

Rumour chooks is that the gravy on the train may run out soon due to the relentless slopping and slurping going on lately. With some of the Grand Mandarins of Stately Affairs rarely at the Palace, camel loads of per diems have been flowing out of the Treasury coffers! The Lord High Grand Vizier is contemplating canceling all trains out of the Kingdom for Stately Mandarins!

Chooks, the PMG-Politically Mad Games will be starting soon. Up for grabs will be medals for categories such as Backstabbing, Most overseas trips, Most exotic place visited, Finger pointing and Public speaking.

The next election may see the rise and rise of the Independent! If all MPs turn out to be Independent, who becomes PM?

Herald Issue 475

First in first served chooks! Northerners clambered aboard the Wahiti Fui like leemings fleeing a sinking atoll! Talk of equal numbers per island went out the port hole and over the stern it seems! Restrictions came to nought chooks! It was all aboard!

Another island to experience the fleeing syndrome is Nassau! The 2001 Census revealed 110 people were on Nassau. The 2005 Census revealed this number had dropped to 77. Now anecdotal evidence points to a population of around 55 people. Shock! Horror chooks! The Grand Palace is about to spend $1 million upgrading the harbour at Nassau! So the Wahiti Fui can sail in and pick up the last remaining souls for shipping out?

As if the reinforce our reputation as last minute wallies, the container boat ran onto the reef in Samoa! On deck were containers of goodies destined for the Mini-Games! What now chooks? Phantom boxing?

What a jolly Christmas is in store for local growers! Santa “Sir” ho ho ho is to give away a tractor for each MP! But chooks, what about the water problem plaguing one MP’s barrio? Planting in that hood was greatly curtailed because of the lack of water so what good will a tractor be? That’s the logic of our Cabinet chooks! Not to worry chooks! “Sir” will present each MP with a Note Verbale!

Ruaau water problem fixed? Pipes have been laid down with one hose run offs from the main to each house! Marvelous! But chooks, the brilliant engineers should have laid a single hose up to the houses from the main then run further hoses off to each house! That way houses will have much needed pressure! The way it’s been done has one local engineer shaking his head in disbelief. Brilliant! Now there’ll be no pressure and that chooks means, no water!

And the same engineer shook his head even harder chooks when he peered into the trench and noticed the order the pipes had been laid was back to front! You see chooks, when you put a water pipe, a power line and a phone line into the same trench, there is a proper order!

What was odd chooks about the photo of “Sir” and others at the UN last week? Notice how everyone in that photo was holding their briefcase at the ready as if to hightail it out the door as soon as the photographer was finished!

Former Health Minister orchestrating his political comeback asked a chook to join his committee and the chook was guaranteed a spot on the gravy train if the former mover and shaker gets to warm a seat in the Bach by the beach!

Who’s been a bad boy then? Seems a high flyer had his wings clipped one evensong last week when dragged off the streets to face the music. Seems the Telecom cell phone network got a thrashing that night resulting in the high flyer being spared the needle and waltzing off! Now the proverbial is about to hit the fan with the OIA about to get a thrashing!

Big Red has heard on the Coconut Wireless and CNN-Coconut Network News that the local phone company has just coughed up another 500 big ones to the Imperial Wizard of the Treasury of the Grand Palace! Marvelous chooks that when the doe-ray-me runs out, you can just whistle up another 500 or so large ones to see you through! Like Aladdin rubbing his lamp and making a wish! Why would the State Mandarins want to pawn off such a brilliant cash cow?