Herald Issue 526

News Flash chooks! Big Red has just heard that the QR is driverless! Seems after numerous driving tasks not related to official business, the hapless captain of the motor decided on Monday, enough was enough! Written notice of resignation was lodged!

Only one problem with the upgrade of the children’s playground chooks is that now the politicians might want to use it! Imagine Big Norm on the swings-swinging one way of course! Peto on the merry-go-round, going around in circles and getting dizzy! Vai Peua on the slide sliding down! Tangi on the boat sailing nowhere! Nandi on the see-saw going up and down, alone!

Oh dear chooks! Big Red has heard on coconut wireless and CNN-Coconut Network News that Cookies manning the benches at the big expo up north have been diving into their own pockets for loose change to purchase much needed items! Such is the dedication to duty!

Loose lips sink ships chooks and as a former PM, now sporting high flyer, has discovered, loose lips flip flights! A few ill timed remarks about explosives saw the high flyer marched off by the boys in blue! Big Red has heard the high flyer could not afford the extra $600 to upgrade to business on the next flight so he has had to return to base! The incident will probably prompt lengthy reports from the sporting body, government, Audit Office, the Kiwi High Commission, the Kiwi Foreign Affairs, the Airport Police, Airport Security, the Airline, the Airline Employee’s Union, the Pilot’s Union, the high flyer’s political party and others.

Chooks the Aussie election was all hung up when no party had a majority and the Independents held the balance of power! Could that happen here come November? Judging by the number of disgruntled candidates failing to gain their party’s nomination, it’s a real possibility!

You heard it first from Big Red chooks! A large Asian nation is poised to make a move on our marine resource of the finned type! With the vessel license quota not filled and our EEZ under fished, the resource is ripe for the picking!

Big boat entering Avatiu harbor backwards almost collided with an American yacht already berthed. Several attempts by the female helmswoman of the big boat ended in narrowly missing hitting the American boat which had its owner on deck, furious and screaming obscenities in the direction of the larger boat! Goodness! Where was the Harbor-master?

Great flurry to the port with the arrival of the big boat powered by big sails! Big yawn to locals who have seen it all before. The floating castle has only been here four times! So why the fuss?

Ooopps! Daily reported on Monday the Bureaucrats paid out nearly $900,000 to Toa as a profit top up but how can this be when the terms governing such top ups are still to be agreed by the magnificent six?

One of the higher ups in the media field has taken to crashing through holes in upper level floors, in the dark, cigarette and all, into strange bedrooms below and putting his private parts in peril when narrowly missing the sharp teeth of a chain saw!

Ex- military type has offered the old soldiers 30 G’s for the newly built bit on the end of their watering hole opposite the airport for reasons not clear however seeing it cost over 100 G’s to build that bit, is the offer a fair one?

Here’s a unique way to clean up Muri lagoon in just two short weeks chooks! Everyone in Muri stop using the loo for two weeks! Do your business out of the district!

Herald Issue 525

Cheques from a local watering hole have been bouncing like a rubber ball! So much so, one wholesaler has cried enough! The curtain could be coming down-soon!

Local gas man could turn out to be a hero albeit unwittingly! Trying desperately to retrieve his full bottles from a supplier on the warpath over unpaid bills, the gas man’s consignment has found its way to a distant northern out post desperate for gas!

Oh dear chooks! Oh dear oh dear! Now all the dirty washing is coming out! Talk of the failed coup to oust Father Jim and his congregation at the last sitting of the House has been hung out! What was not said was the deal which would have seen Doctor “Sir” becoming PM, The Leader of the Opposition becoming Consul General in Auckland and Big Norm stepping up to become Leader of the Opposition! Now get that one down ya!

Oh dear chooks! A trio of Demos wants a run off in the East because they are not happy with Doctor Sir! Not happy with the current committee, they’ve set up their own! Of the trio, one, a man of laws, looks capable of performing credibly in the House. The other two are village level political wannabees. But why are they in the hunt? A ploy to split the vote?

Talk about Demos not happy with their committees and forming their own, what if the Demos are not happy with the next Demo government? They’ll simply form their own!

Doctor Sir is the only applicant for a job which reads-Wanted: A Prime Minister, must hold a Knighthood and have held the position previously.

It may be a tight vote in Mitiaro chooks! Why else would the sitting member spend so much time there in order to qualify to vote? Never bothered him before. This time round it could be just the one vote that decides the winner-his!

Making up their own rules! Hey some Ministries are good at that! Take the playground by the Market for instance. CIIC are responsible for maintaining it but don’t want to! So Rotary and once the Police stepped in. Does the CIIC Minister know what his agency is up to? What if the child of a tourist gets hurt? Not only would the parent sue government but it would look bad for us-or would it? CIIC don’t think child safety is a priority.

Car conked out of gas late at night? No worries! Just flag down a passing cop car and the lads in blue will be only too happy to oblige with a quick trip to the nearest bowser and back to refill your tank! How’s that for community service! However, don’t expect them to drive you home if you’ve had a few!

Local chooks wants to know how the parrot fish get here from Palmeston Island? The answer is simple chooks! Swim!

A local chook asks, how did the papa’a-rization of our Education Ministry come about chooks? Seems there are eight or so papa’a heading the major divisions in the Ministry! All consultants it seems! On NZAid?

Request just in from a local elderly chook for immigration staff to be at a desk in their Minister’s office at ground level next to the Courthouse, say twice a week-Tuesdays and Thursdays, to receive payments for permit renewals. Seems some of the frail and elderly have trouble climbing the stairs to the Immigration Office on the third floor of the building in town!

Seen the Whales chooks? Ever wondered how the big ones seem to know just where to stop so the people can view their antics? Simple! Underwater traffic signs in Whale squeak have been installed at various sites along the reef to direct the Whales to stop, jump and flap their tails!

Herald Issue 524

Seen at a local supermarket, a NZ cabbage for $2 and a local one for $4.95! How can this be chooks? Why the price differential? Were the price tags in the right place chooks?

An election on October 27th? So the Daily reports. What nonsense is this asks a chook. With October 26th a public holiday, why hold an election the very next day? Sums up the way this country is run says the chook.

MPs get just 10 minutes to say their piece in the House but after saying Kia Orana to everyone in the country, they have just 5 minutes of speaking time left to make a point! Noticeable chooks that those who are guests of Her Majesty’s fine establishment in Arorangi, have not had a mention at all!

With the QR’s ticket not renewed we’ve had an acting QR, the Chief Justice but! Because the Chief Justice is away, we’ve got another Justice acting as the Chief Justice who is acting for the QR! But wait! Because the PM is away, we have a Minister acting as the PM! Then lo! At the opening of Te Maeva Nui, we have another Minister acting for the Minister who is acting for the PM! Remember what that Englishman penned a few hundred years ago? “All the world’s a stage and we are merely actors!” And there are some who claim that “Wil” was merely acting for the real Bard!

Aunty sure knows how to slash and slice through the red tape! Frustrated at all the blame laying and finger pointing over Toa, she pipes up and says,” Let’s move on!” She’s right chooks! After all, Aunty has survived the rigors of shopping in the capital of Rwanda!

RSA fans were a tad upset with the entertainer known as the one who loves himself because he was a no show without explanation. Seems one of the boys in the band had taken ill but that does not explain why the great one was warbling in the back bar of the Banana Court complex!

Great smoothies at the recent Trade Day chooks! Great flavours! Great prices! $7! Whizz-em up! Tip the ice in! Up to half way! Just a minute! A $7 fruit smoothie in a plastic cup half filled with ice? Great!

Chooks, our NZ Maori cousie bros attending the opening of the 45th Constitutional celebrations at the National Auditorium were mystified that there was no message from the NZ PM or the local NZ High Commissioner! Not even any acknowledgement of the presence of the NZ groups attending!

A supremo in the national sporting cabal showered praises upon the bowling fraternity lauding their chances at the next games in the new Caledonian isles. Somewhat surprised, the bowling brotherhood reminded the supremo that their sport was not entered!

Good to see man’s best friend make the front page for some good news. Too often man’s best friend is much maligned for causing road carnage but who bothers to mention the injuries were caused by human errors such as-speeding, not wearing a helmet and not watching the road.

Listening to the MP’s chin wagging in the House, the translator’s efforts are actually more exciting!

What next for parliament’s career altering Pastor? Once an ordinary MP, he was elevated to the exalted position of Leader of the House before upsetting the PM and being downgraded and relegated to the wilderness of the back benches then miraculously plucked from the desert of obscurity to be Deputy Speaker! Interesting to hear the Deputy Speaker refer to himself as the Acting Speaker! The Lord works in mysterious ways!

Oh dear chooks! The OPM Chief of Staff and EMCI take issue with some of Audit’s recommendations following the review of the tsunami response!

Herald Issue 523

If the Minister for Culture wants to step up and into the ranks of the traditional chiefs, she has to learn to do things without referring to notes! That worked for Marlon Brando but he was a big Hollywood star.

Oops chooks! Boo boo in the QR’s camp! Seems government has not renewed his warrant which has expired! So High Court Justice Fisher has been roped in as acting QR! Does this leave father Jim and his gang of five exposed?

Chook has been looking everywhere for that team from “Slovakia” who came for the celebrations according to the Daily! Despite numerous pics of them in the Daily, where are they? Spotted a team from SLOVENIA though! They were great!

Any time a chooks wants to know what the Ombudsman, Police Commissioner, PSC, Solicitor General and the Director of Audit are getting paid, a chooks can go down to parliament and look up the Executive Order. But what about the other highly paid State jobbies like Tourism CEO and Secretary of Finance? Why are these salaries secret? Both get over $100,000 per year from the taxpayer! And what about the HOMs? What are they on? Again, why the secrecy? Now here’s a heads up for you secretive lot from Big Red. Don’t be surprised if one day you pick up the paper and see your salaries plastered all over the page!

Get behind the handball team to Singapore folks! Handball is the second most popular sport in Europe where it generates a lot of moolar! Smart move locals made to get into handball because soon the molar might just start flowing this way! Our team will put us on the map! The money map!

A private company entrusts a highly paid public figure with its set of wheels because it does not trust any of its employees to drive about without collecting dents in the body work! Into this private arrangement barges a host of do gooders claiming conflicts of all sorts! So what? What law was broken? Seems this sort of thing is just not a good look and leads to tongue flapping and wagging and rumours! Now that we can do without!

Using the system always got someone somewhere especially if that someone is a politician! With government dishing out soft business loans left right and centre, why wouldn’t an innovative politician leap onto the bandwagon? Ah but who should come along but that bunch of do gooders again! What law was broken? None it seems. It’s just that the whole set up smells fishy and again tongues could start flapping and wagging and the next thing you know, the pointed hats come out and rumours begin and fingers start pointing! Now we can’t have that can we!

How does a chook get paid for doing nothing? Simple, just hold an important traditional title! It’s a doorway to riches! The moolah just flows in! Holding down several jobs? No worries! Even if you lie in bed, you still get paid!

Although the country’s most expensive, exclusive club has opened its doors again and members have trooped in for the usual pampering and nosh up, the member for Mitiaro is yet to appear! Does he intend to appear?

Day two at the expensive club and a certain quarter is yet to voice any opinions. One of their number was spotted eyeing up and flicking through a magazine then nodding off! Others just kept their seats warm until the nosh up. As usual the same members did all the chin wagging and finger waving!

Muri beach will soon see its first manually operated, amphibious helicopter! That will excite the tourists! Local engineering inventor has moved from perfecting manually operated sea going vessels to perfecting airborne devices capable of low speed, low altitude flight!

Herald Issue 522

Pity the smiling Minister in Ruaau! Just when everything’s looking honky dory near election time, his chances are ruined by none other than pesky, dirty, annoying Mister Fly! Yes! Those pesky little buggers are back! Breeding by the million at the waste tip they are zooming in all directions but when food’s on the local tables at private homes and the Resorts, along buzzes Mr Fly, uninvited, for a feed! Experts in public health should try eating with one hand while brushing flies with the other!

Another damaging blow to the smiling Minister’s re-election chances has been the failure of the new water pipes to deliver a constant flow of water to Ruaau homes! The question on householder’s lips is, “Where’s the water?” Some frustrated home owners have reverted to the old pipes and guess what? There’s water in them there pipes!

Reports are filtering in to Big Red of outer islanders suffering from skin rashes and the trots! Seems the culprit is the common household water tank which is not clean and not bug proof!

Chooks there are whispers that the recent eight strong, DPM led government delegation to one outer island took along a variety of goodies with them for the locals. Some citrus trees for planting and about 1,000 milk fish for the lake! Did anyone consult the current inhabitants of the lake about this arrival of these foreign immigrants? Whisper is most of the fish did not survive the flight!

Local from Australia attending a big birthday bash in the outer islands, was shocked to find out how well over expired a jar of Best Food was from the only shop on the island. It was dated on the 1st January 2010 –yep, that’s Best Food! This is the end of July. They didn’t realize this but it was only after the birthday when they wanted to recycle the jar for coconut oil that they noticed this. It’s too late now as the dish of mayonnaise was well enjoyed by those who attended the birthday.

A couple on holiday on one outer island wanted a change of menu after eating local delicacies everyday. They sought after a dish of spaghetti bolognaise. They went to the ‘only’ shop on the island for a packet of mince. A well cooked meal for the family to enjoy including the in-laws ended in the loo in use the whole night. They had to stand in line for the toilets so long some had to use the loo next door. The next morning, the visitors checked the use by label on the packet and found it was well over-due. Ouch!

A chook reports a carton of VB in the outer islands costs about $69.00. The price has doubled! Could it be due to freight costs?

The ‘maroro-tu’ is an annual event especially in the Nga-pu-toru islands whereby the island community gets to share the flying fish that comes in abundant numbers at the jetty. It is a traditional view of the island community that it’s a blessing from God. The King of the island narrowly missed out this annual blessing when it happened 2 days before he was to step on the island with a Government delegation. Rumour is when they departed to come back that he ordered the whole island to contribute at least 2 maroro for the visitor’s luggage as a pakau aroa. Good to be King these days especially when you are in the outer islands.

Did you know, on one outer island, there are thirty plus welfare pensioners but the real beneficiary has to be the one shop on the island that sells basic commodities! Don’t they deserve a discount voucher? The boat calls here to cart cargo only for this one shop.

Herald Issue 521

Chooks, why is the Mayor of Aitutaki not letting anyone know except for the builders, which category 4 houses are being built? Word is not even Aitutaki’s three MPs or Deputy Mayor know who is on the list! Is this transparency at work? Why the secret?

Why is no financial help going to the small businesses on Aitutaki? These are the businesses that cater for the little village people and they are struggling with debt. To fix their damaged shops they have to take out loans at commercial rates and get this-if their houses were damaged they still get no help because they happen to run a business! Visitors just back from Aitutaki say the situation is bad. There is little foodstuffs in stores and prices are through the roof! $8 for a can of corned beef! $10 for a stubby of beer! $15 for a glass of wine! $85 for a meal at the resorts!

Woe people! Rumour is Aitutaki’s population has shrunk from 1700 to just 1200. Aitutaki has lost 500 people. What now government? What’s the Mayor doing about it?

The wide gap between Aitutaki’s wealthy and poor is just getting larger! Where are all the jobs promised by a booming tourism sector? Just who is making the money? Why isn’t the money from tourism filtering down to the little people?

Maoate faction bombed out in Tupapa chooks. That will take the faction down from 9 to 8. Both Tangi and Framhein are said to back Maoate but Tupa cleaned up. Lack of a run- off between Tupa and Tangi meant Tangi did not get to pick up any of Framhein’s 78 voters. Word is it was Tangi who agreed to a straight run off between the three. Oh woe! Not good political nous there!

Some of these “indy” types look quite strong chooks. Watch out if they ever decide to team up on policies. They have no leverage on their own but together they could force issues through especially if the ruling mob wants support! The indys need only hold four seats to be able to influence voting in the House.

Big Red says forget the roads chooks and forget infrastructure issues that benefit no-one. Go for policies like increasing the age for child benefit from 12 to 15. Support an increase to pensions. The ADB bank in 2008 said the benefit was not a true pension but an “income supplement” because the cost of living was too high. Support lower interest rates in the banks. Support more employment for locals. These are the things that benefit people.

Hands up all those business people in the private sector who bank their money in overseas banks instead of investing it in the local economy?

Visit by the outgoing Chinese Ambassador can’t be much cop since no-one in Foreign Affairs bothered to alert the weekly paper! Maybe no-one in that Ministry is awake for long enough to realize the weekly paper has only been around for 10 years. As one public servant was heard to mutter, “Who cares a rat’s arse unless he’s brought a cheque with him!” Just as well someone in Foreign Affairs knew he was coming since the daily paper somehow got wind of the visit. Keep up the good work Foreign Affairs! Bonus payments all round!

With half the voting public being women, how come few women want to run for parliament? If enough women get into parliament imagine the changes they can force through. No VAT on nappies and infant food! More pre-schools! Free school lunches! Special allowance for full time housewives!

A French hen (la poule) clucks that Bastille Day has become as commercialized as Christmas. An important date in the French calendar, Bastille Day marks a crucial event in the course of the French Revolution, which saw the good citizens of France divest themselves of the twin yokes of monarchist rule and organized religion, resulting in a nation of free thinkers. Asked for their opinion, trois roosters from Gay Paree told Big Red they felt marking Bastille Day by consuming pastries and café au lait was, in fact, tres magnifique.

 

Herald Issue 520

A chook notes that the next eclipse set for Nov 2012 will occur just before what the Mayan calendar predicts will be the end of the world as we know it!

A chook notes that the NZ Media who once referred to Commissar Bananarama as the interim PM, are now calling him the Dictator! All because he turfed out an Aussie diplomat! If the Commissar does not cow tow to the former colonial master class, what are they going to call him then? What is the next step up from Dictator?

Senseless EU bureaucrats have dreamt up another colonial bashing disaster of a plan and we seem to just sit back and go along with it! The so called regional economic savior known as PACER Plus must be the product of mind more focused on a Hollywood fantasy than reality! Why would the Cook Islands want to partake in work schemes where workers went overseas to pick another country’s fruit and veges on a short term contract for measly pay? We want our workers who left the country to come back here and grow and pick their own fruit and veges! Do you think the EU would see the sense in that and hand over some funds? You must be joking!

What country in the world would build a port and airport in such positions that when planes come in to land ships and boats with tall masts or super structures have to move out to sea? The Cook Islands! Who was the engineering mastermind who dreamt up this arrangement? Brilliant!

With the elections approaching fundraising by candidates committees are now as common as the flu! But one chooks says while food sales are good, everyone is selling the same thing and nearly always for $10! Hence a refreshing change by the Independent for Nikao who was selling plates of food for $5 and with Octopus thrown in!

Tupapa’s candidates need to smarten themselves up says one chook. They need a make -over! One prospective candidate looks like Father Christmas, one parades about on a scooter wearing a hat and leather jacket, another flits up and down main road Tupapa on a scooter with a flower in one ear and a rugby jersey on! The only presentable candidate is the Pastor! He wears a smart suit and tie and most importantly, has God on his side.

Guess who is riding around on an iron horse lately pronouncing down back streets that certain former colleagues are about to “go down!”

What impact will the release of the Audit report on Toa so close to the election, have on voting patterns? Will “Sir,” “Aunty,” Vavia, Wiggie and Kete lose votes over it? Plainly opposed to Sunday flights to his homeland, Kete will retain his seat. And why isn’t the CIP hammering the other lot over the report? Why isn’t the CIP taking them to task? Don’t the CIP want votes?

Here’s a prediction from Big Red chooks, John Henry (CIP) will win Avatiu, Phillip Nicholas (Ind) will win Nikao and Father Jim (Demo) will win Ivirua.

BTIB seminar on the review of the foreign investment code struck a snag and was cancelled and rescheduled when numbers from the private sector failed to show up! Aren’t these the very same people whose tongues flap at high speed moaning about foreigners taking over?

Word reaching Big Red is that our Lord High Masters in Beijing are unhappy with we, the lower classes giving the thumbs down to their offer of many millions to fix our infrastructure! Do not be surprised if as a sign of lest you lower classes forget, a man o war appears on the other side of the reef and some men in white troop up to place some vegetation on the cenotaph!

 

Herald Issue 519

Big Red has heard the Minister has appointed a separate group to handle the applicants for the CIIC CEO jobbie! The Carr man and the PSC are two of the trio! The job has been taken away from the Board! Why the delay chooks? Seems the powers to be had to wait until the contract of the former CEO expired! And word is the former CEO is still pursuing his legal action against the Mandarins at the top!

Word on coconut FM wireless and Coconut Network News (CNN) chooks is that a top policy pontificator in the higher echelons in the Palace of the Lord High Mandarin has been offered the Product Development jobbie with the elite high flying Tourism wallahs! Name your price is the cry! Seems the Tourism wallahs want someone familiar with the inside workings of the machinery in the Lord High Mandarin’s Palace and knowledge of how to access the Aid abundant treasure chests!

The Barbarians cometh! The Barbarians are at the gate! The gate of the BTIB that is! Genghis Tam and his Budgie army are about to invade, ransack and put to flight the comfy aristocracy lounging behind the lofty walls of BTIB city! Woe to the city dwellers living in false hope as the rampaging horde nears!

Aussie tourist boards local bus and asks perplexed driver if he will accept a credit card! Well hello! What bus company in the world accepts credit cards?

Tourist boards bus and tells driver she must get to Takitumu School on the other side of the island, tout suit (French for quickly)! Well hello! Is the local bus a personal taxi? She ought to try that in her home town! What would her local bus driver say?

Tourist comes all the way from the US of A to watch the solar eclipse in Mangaia and wants a cheap fare on the local bus! Tourist asks driver for a bus pass! Only discount available is by buying a concession ticket! Well hello! If the tourist can afford the airfare to travel all the way here to spend three minutes watching an eclipse, surely another $35 for a multi-trip concession ticket should be affordable?

CIP hierarchy attempting a reconciliation chooks? Why else would Tom Tom and his policy adviser Namdi Flashie be sitting on Peto’s front porch Monday lunchtime chin wagging with Peto and Tupui?

A chook says it’s not surprising to see Big Norm back pedaling on being found out he’s been talking to “Sir” about linking up with Tumu to form a government with him as PM! Rumour has it, Norm, Tom, Nandi and several others planned to link up with Peto and the Maoate faction. But there’s another rumour chooks! Father Jim has a letter already prepared for dissolving parliament and it’s sitting with the QR ready to be whipped out the moment “Sir” and his band of merry men drive through the gate!

How is it chooks, we have a system where three MPs on an outer island representing no more than 300 people can out vote an MP from say Tupapa who represents 1,000 people? Where’s the equity in that? Either chop out those three MPs or create two more for Tupapa!

With practically all the economic activity based on Rarotonga producing nearly all the tax take keeping civil servants in a job, most of the parliamentary seats-14 out of 24- are warmed by outer islands which contribute practically nothing to the economy! This lop sidedness must be addressed. Some balance must be restored!

Only nine freebees on the first flight from Aussie Sunday morning? Phooey says a chook on the beach at Muri! How come Cap Tama’s two boats were packed full later that Sunday? Who paid?

Herald Issue 518

Talk about sports administration by bureaucrats gone mad! Local squash outfit was told by government mandarins running the new indoor stadium that to use the new squash courts there would require tenders to be called from at least three squash clubs! Hello-there’s only one squash club! Squash club has done the sensible thing by renewing its lease with the Catholic Church to use the current squash courts for another year! Does this now mean all other sports will need three tenders to use the facility?

12 single ladies in their 50’s who were staying at the Muri Beachcomber rang the Tourism office Friday morning to enquire how much to go on a pub-crawl nite life tour and were told it would cost an individual a whopping $275.00. This includes their return transfer to the hotel and the tour itself. It was confirmed this was per individual! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong chooks! A pub-crawl tour costs only $50.00 per person and includes return transfer to the hotel and the tour itself. The ladies worked out 12 of them times $275.00 came to massive $3,300.00. Phew! They gave up and went dining instead at the Crown Beach.

A chook reports a Head Chief is on ‘referral’ in Auckland complaining of back-pain. With the Chief being a constant mover back and forth to the city of sails, the Chief could have admitted herself into Auckland Hospital rather than going through the ‘referral’ system. And, her digs in Auckland are right opposite a main Hospital, in walking distance, across the road! She could have booked herself in.

Oh woe is the agricultural revitalization plan for the outer islands chooks! Seems before plans were drawn up someone should have done detailed and thorough soil tests for chemical residues from previous years when heaps of dangerous chemicals were dumped on the soil! Now it’s back to square one to be on the safe side!

Hundreds of people are heading for Mangaia to see the total eclipse of the sun but before they have even got there, the island is experiencing water problems! And there’s not much food on the shelves in the shops! Many of the visitors will be staying for 6 days! Imagine all those showers! All that flushing of the loo! Imagine the increased carbon footprint on Mangaia! More people-more body heat!

And talking about carbon footprints and global warming chooks, last Sunday saw some global warming action when a neighbour set fire to a pile of rubbish sending thick, polluting, life degrading smoke into a neighbouring house! The inflamed situation resulted in the arrival of the boys in blue! There’s a simple rule to observe. Don’t light fires on a Sunday. Don’t send smoke into your neighbour’s house!

Woe the landlords suffering from revolving tenants syndrome! Out west, one landlord turns up to collect the rent only to discover his bula tenants have scarpered and another lot have moved in! When this new lot are due to pay the rent, they hightail it and another lot move in! Revolving tenants! All tenants work for the same outfit but the boss and the immigration authorities can’t keep up with all the changes of address!

Whispers drifting towards Big Red are that there’s very little fuel on the Rock! Gas supplies are running low! Soon it may be back to outdoor cooking fires and umus chooks! Ah well, more smoke in the atmosphere!

Young chook bowls up to a game of handball the other night at the indoor sports arena, makes all the right moves and lo, ends up being selected for the team for an all expenses paid trip to the Singapore Youth Olympics! You never know your luck!

Foreign chooks critical of our roads suffer two consecutive puntures to their rental push bike tyres ending up getting fitter not by cycling but walking a lot of miles to their accomodation! That’s paradise!

Herald Issue 517

Interesting how Air NZ’s top brass traveled on different flights when hopping over to Raro! It’s a deliberate strategy because it would be a disaster if all traveled on the same plane and it crashed! Take the Aussie mining company which recently lost all board members when the plane they were on crashed in the Congo. Then again that airline had a poor safety record!

A chook reminds us how poor Tom put his foot in it when commenting on the CIP candidate selection process at Murienua. He said if the process was opened up, “every Tom, Dick and Harry” would be nominated! Well one “Tom” certainly was!

Chooks there’s a group so desperate to hold onto their spot at the public trough and some so desperate to climb on the gravy train they are doing all they can to keep competition out by nominating themselves for parliament! The general public is not stupid and can see what’s going on. The smart money will back the Independents and where will that leave the major parties? Up the creek without a paddle!

A chook asks who will lead the opposition if after the election the Independents turn out to hold more seats than the losing party? With $195,000 up for grabs for occupying the Office of the Opposition, look for some alliances to quickly form! Then of course, there’s the salary for being Leader of the Opposition!

So the Finance Commissar is to do away with MP’s $5,000 clothing allowance? One chook calculates a basic good business suit may cost around $600. An MP would need at least two. Good quality white business shirts probably cost $60 upwards each and an MP will need five. A good pair of Italian made smart, long lasting shoes will set an MP back more than $600 and at least two pair would be needed. A smart silk neck tie will cost around $170 and at least three will be needed. For a woman MP, take the male MP’s total and multiply by five. Don’t forget the vital accessories, Rolex gold watch, gold tie pin, gold cuff links, jewellery by Tiffany, silk hankies, Ducci Crocodile skin hand bag, Versace overcoat, cosmetics by Chanel. An MP needs to maintain a good appearance so hair needs to be blow waved and styled using hair products and a hard working MP needs scented body products, perfumes.

One chook has a radical solution to all the taxation problems! Simply scrub all taxes except for VAT and levies on imports. Boost VAT and levies up. No more PAYE or company tax! With the focus on VAT, who needs all that staff in MFEM? Cut staff numbers back, get rid of all the vehicles, rent out the office space.

Here’s an even more radical idea chooks! All local pensioners to receive the NZ pension! Why not? We import $100 million worth of products from NZ each year! So they owe us! There are less than 4,000 pensions anyway so NZ can afford it! Most of our people are already on the NZ pension so what’s another 4,000? It’s peanuts.

Alert chook reveals $10,000 of duty free liquor from the airport made its way to the French Patrol Boat in Avatiu. Odd that the Patrol Boat resembles an aircraft! No duty free liquor at the Port? What does the French Navy intend to do with all that grog between here and Tahiti?

To save on money government should get rid of all cars. A government car has to be replaced every few years. If just 50 cars were scrapped, with each car valued at about $25,000 and costing $10,000 a year to run, that’s saving of $1,750,000.

Herald Issue 516

When we build our new parliament chooks it should be set out like the new Te Vara Nui Cultural Village in Muri! Just like Te Vara Nui, there could be the “History Hut” giving the history of parliament with its infighting, party hopping and sackings. Then there’s the “Carving Hut” where politicians demonstrate how they carve out a place at the public trough to get their snouts in. Then there’s the “Umu Hut” where masses of food and doughnuts are prepared. Then there’s the “Traditional Medicine Hut” where politicians demonstrate how they dish out the medicine to their political enemies. Not to mention “Centre Stage” where the entertainment takes place, that is the fighting, back biting, back stabbing, songs of woe about missing out on promotion to Cabinet and songs of woe about being sacked from Cabinet!

Best kept secret in the Cook Islands chooks? The date parliament will be called for the Budget! Only the PM knows the date. Much like the second coming! Only the Father knows when! Perhaps the PM should be called Father Jim!

Next best kept secret? The date of the election! Again it all rests with Father Jim! Father Jim is in no hurry!

Some Matavera chooks are asking what their local MP, now a Minister in Cabinet, has done since being elected. They went through the MP’s list of 100 items to be done and discovered none of the items had been completed. The Tupapa MP also had a list of sorts. His main item, the roads, is still to be completed. The road by Ariana Bungalows is a case in point. It’s in a shocking state!

Which Mangaian MP has asked his campaign committee to return to him after said committee had moved to another prospective candidate-a person all gassed up and ready to go? It’s the very same MP who told the committee he was only going to be an MP for one term! Why has he changed his mind?

And speaking of Mangaia, word is some overseas magazines have referred to a secret mixture of plants and herbs that when partaken by Mangaian men, gives them incredible staying power! All night they say!

Should Tangee capture the Nikao seat for the CIP this election, he may become known as the “Singing MP.” He could sing his maiden speech-a task for the translator! Imagine Tangee introducing a new Bill into the House! It would be arranged in verse form not by Crown Law but by a local poet! It would be introduced with a song then possibly a duet with the opposition! Of course opposition members will have to respond in song!

This election will see the rise and rise of the Independent! In fact the Independent could become the biggest party! Miss out on selection? Unhappy with the Party? No worries! Become an Independent! Do your own thing! If you don’t win, what the heck? No use crying over $500!

Talking about sore losers chooks, two who failed to make the cut recently, stomped off to commiserate! It shows winning is not about being flashy and always in the public eye!

Who is the airwaves personality who has been asked rather Rosily if he can bowl along and put his name up in a Jiff for nomination for the CIP in Avatiu to run off against the sitting member? Hang on, what about the electorate putting the names up? What about Henry?

We need more of these food expos chooks! With the food expo now on at CITC, expect wives to be telling their husbands to make a bee line for the free food and drinks because who wants to slave over a stove when some fine dishes are available and free at that! Why not make it a family outing?

Herald Issue 515

A local motorist traveling along the main road on Monday adhering faithfully to the legal speed limit got a surprise when the former Leader of the House overtook him at speed, whizzing past by at about 90kph only to be followed soon after by the former DPM who also overtook at speed, zooming past at about 100kph. Seems both were running late for a function at the QRs!

And it was at the Queen’s Honours awards at the QR’s on Monday that politics was put aside for the moment as parliamentary colleagues honoured one of their own receiving an OBE. In the group photo with Aunty Mau were Sir Terepai and Robert Wigmore standing side by side with Sean Willis directly behind the two!

Power station hires a 30 year old papa’a consultant for three months but he repays the opportunity to work in paradise by crashing the work vehicle near Avatiu Port at 2.30am one morning! Question, who pays for the damage-him or the taxpayer? Further question, why is the vehicle out at that hour of the morning a chook asks-urgent consulting being done?

Less than 100 people bothered to show up for the Kumete Sports day on Monday. Why? There were at least three other big sports events held on that same day! Why not bring back the traditional stuff like stilt fighting, boxing, tug o war, teka, wrestling, spinning tops, horse racing, coconut husking races? Better still, organise a secondary school sports event to be held on Kumete sports day. Get sponsors to put up good prizes for winning schools-like a computer, library books. This village based event used to be attended by thousands but these days there are so many other things to do.

Expect the budget chooks to announce an increase in some government fees and costs. For instance expect an increase in the levy on alcohol! Already consumers have noticed an increase in the price for many goods in shops. One local chook who regularly buys cans of Irish Stew has noticed the price has increased. This is probably because of the increase in demand which he himself created! Where are our Price Police? Surely they should be out monitoring prices and questioning the reasons for increases!

And speaking of stellar rising prices chooks, the cost of one small tube of flea treatment for dogs has risen from $20 last year to $27 this year then, a few months later to $30! How is this increase justified?

Air NZ’s green team is here clearing trails up the bush so tourists don’t get lost! Wonderful that such dedicated people come all the way here to do what we have failed to do! Let’s hope the Air NZ team also finds time to clean up the litter on our beaches, in our streams and in fact does all the cleaning up a Vaka Council team would do but hey, did not our brilliant government disband the Vaka Councils? Who did government think was going to do the job? Contractors? Phooey! Bring on the volunteer teams from abroad! They cost our taxpayer’s zilch! Wasn’t that government’s secret plan all along?

Will the new developers complete the proposed five star hotel at Vaimaanga chooks? Will the steam train get to chuff chuff around the hotel’s perimeter? Will an 18 hole international golf course get built behind the hotel? Will both curses be lifted?

Will a new tourist resort be built at Black Rock? Will ghosts pass through the hotel late at night putting the willies and the wind up tourists? Will the ghosts become a tourist attraction? Will the hotel be peppered by stray golf balls?

Herald Issue 514

Spotted exiting the bowels of big bird in the weekend was the Minister of Environmentally Friendly High Fashion, back from Uruguay, in a wheel chair, with one foot bandaged up!

The lateness of the Vakas in arriving at and entering Avana on Saturday saw several noticeable departures from Avana! The PM skedaddled early-ish. The QR also went early but for good reason, he was playing in a lawn bowls quarter final!

2010 could turn out to be the year of the new political parties! Consider the possibilities-“The Smiles for Democracy Party” (Leader: Smiley Heather), The Embrace Me Party”-(Leader: Sir Terepai Maoate), “The Building New Futures Party” (Leader: George Magee), “The Hot Political Donuts Party” (Joint Leaders: Aunty Mau & Mama Ngai).

Question chooks, will the new papa’a employee of Te Aponga Uira be charged for the power pole near Avatiu port which he damaged when he ran into it in the early hours of the morning with a Te Aponga vehicle?

When government jobs are advertised chooks, it may be just to go through the proper motions! Word is chooks, the civil engineer job recently advertised by MOIP was just to formalise the appointment of a returned local! So why bother to apply?

How lucky is a former DPM staffer who back then drove and took home a GA vehicle. Now his
mate gave him a top job (I scratch your back, you scratch mine) and also a GA vehicle to take home as well. How lucky is that? But chooks, consider this, what will happen if his former boss gets back into power after the election? Will he leave his current job or will he stay? Maybe he’ll get more from the old man!

As Tuna fishing grounds around the world shut down because of dwindling stocks, more and more foreign eyes will be looking this way chooks! In the western Pacific, quotas are coming into play but here in the Cooks 2 million square miles fishery, we are exempt from quotas because our grounds are under-fished! Soon, foreign fishing giants will form a line to pow wow with our government over access! What say we set the (non-refundable) yearly application license fee at US$1 million per boat! That’s cheap considering those distant foreigners make $2 billion a year from the Pacific fishery.

All jolly well for NES to be showing all the edible goodies from the lagoon on the goggle-box. But one chook asks, should not we be encouraging people not to chew up the sea food but let it recover? And the chook asks what about the pollution in the lagoon- is the sea food really that safe to chow down?

Great now the Climate change conference is all over and nations are committed to spending billions of dolleros on cutting back on their carbon emissions! But chooks, did anyone tell mother nature? No! Seems all man’s noble intentions and efforts and dosh have gone up in smoke! The ash clouds from the volcano in Iceland! Does anyone know how much carbon that natural feature has pumped into the atmosphere? Mother nature doesn’t give a damn or a hoot about we humans! We can die for all she cares and she’ll do her best to bring that about!

The Fijian Vaka crew not only had 30 foot waves to contend with on their voyage across the Pacific but the female members had other just as challenging events to contend with on land in the form of the two legged Cookie variety! As the Fijian women were to find out, the local airwaves vibrate to another frequency -FM- female mad? - when the local kava comes out. Forget paddling! These women were running!

Herald Issue 513

What was Forrest Gump doing at the annual sports award on Tuesday night chooks? Shouldn’t he have been back in Louisiana protecting his shrimp fishing grounds from the BP oil leak?

Chook says top table guests at the annual sports awards were supposed to be hosted by CISNOC personnel and asks why the great Kron was hosted by the President’s son?

Odd sometimes the things photos will reveal! One photo snapped by a chook during the Baton fever at the Market, of a police bike, clearly shows one of the two headlamps not working! Get that fixed Officers!

Slight snag with the arrival of the Vakas chooks! Seems the winds are fair blowing the crews along they will arrive a day early on a Sunday! Yikes! What now chooks? Seems the organizers are going to see if the Vakas can stop off at Mauke for a day. Why not get them to sail up to Manuae and check if any shipwrecked crew needs saving!

The whisper from a certain outer island chooks is that the recent TV programme, Turama, featuring the disabled man who was injured, will not be screened on that island’s TV. Seems someone from the island asked for a copy but the screening has been blocked.

And here’s a message from a local chook frustrated at some of the locals who are trying to pass themselves off as consultants. You’ll never reach the big time if you don’t answer your phone calls! If you are in business for yourself, then answer your phone when it rings or risk losing customers! If your business goes down the toilet, don’t complain because you only have yourself to blame! Ninety per cent of a consultant’s business begins with a phone call! Then again says the chooks, if you don’t know that, you have no business being a consultant!

A chook asks, why do some people have cell phones when they never bother to answer them?

A local chook wanders down to the local post office to mail an envelope to a certain box number in Australia. Our local postie checks the address then promptly puts the envelope into the same box number of another local! That local on finding the envelope in his box, was confused because the envelope was clearly addressed to go to Australia!

Bato-mania! In a country with little in the way of any good news, a highlight has to be the arrival of the Queen’s Baton! Perhaps government should market the Cooks as a “Good News Baton destination!” We have all the requisites for catering for international Batons! For a start we have a population that is into Baton worship. Batons are free to go to some churches where they take pride of place as people sing to them. Batons are welcome at major tourist resorts. Batons have freedom of the streets. Even motor vehicles will pull over to allow a Baton to pass. Yes, Batons are welcome. Bring them on! Just imagine the possibilities-the Japanese Emperor’s Baton, The Vatican Baton, The Al Qaeda Baton, The Moonie Baton!

Queen: (during breakfast at Buckingham Palace) Oh Phillip.
Prince Phillip: Yes dear?
Queen: Am I not the Head of the Church of England?
Phillip: Yes dear.
Queen: Then what was my Baton doing in the Catholic Cathedral in the Cooks?
Phillip: No idea dear.
Queen: And my representative, Sir, what’s his name?
Phillip: Sir Bread.
Queen: Sir what?
Phillip: (reaching for the butter and marmalade) Serve the bread dear.
Queen: He gave that Papal lot some money!
Phillip: It wasn’t your money dear.
Queen: Thanks heavens for that. I thought I was going to have to account for it.

Herald Issue 512

Seems the Niueans have slippery fingers chooks! The Queen’s Baton fell to the floor and was cracked! Luckily there’s a spare!

CISNOC head Sir Jiff has made it all the way to the International Handball Conference in Greece only to be stranded because of the Iceland volcano ash! He may not be back in time for the arrival of the Queen’s baton on Friday!

A rattled chook posed the question in the Daily about how Sean Willis got the title of Assistant President of the Demos! Had said chook read the Weekly, he would have learnt that it was Sir Terepai who nominated Sean for the position after Sean narrowly missed out being elected to one of the 3 Vice President positions. The Demo Constitution makes provision for an Assistant President to be appointed!

Big question chooks- in the upgrade of Mangaia harbor, will the depth at the centre of the passage be taken down another metre? The whisper is at this spot the depth is just 4m which is not deep enough to allow the new, smaller inter island boat safe passage right in to tie up alongside! Another question which arises is who will get to finish the job?

Solution chooks to the Arorangi jetty dilemma! Build the $2 million jetty near the school and church then borrow $20 million and shift the church, the palace and the school 300 metres down the road! Problem solved!

Confusion at the PM’s digs chooks! Rumour is “Sir” rang to discuss a secret deal with Jimbo, but it was the PM’s son who answered the phone and heard everything “Sir” had to say!

Wonder why the roof of the new airport terminal is so high making the place look like a chook coop! It’s all due to the international security requirements. In the event of a bomb explosion, the force of the blast will go through the roof and dissipate quickly. If the roof were lower, the force of the blast would be deflected downwards along with debris causing more injuries!

The Tuck Shop tantrums continue at Tereora College as hungry students on restricted funds continue to be banned from doing business with shops across the road! Prices at the school food bank are such students cannot get a stomach filling portion! Why not allow the kiddies freedom of choice? Is the fracas political chooks? One shop owner is aligned to the “Sir” faction and the school committee head is aligned to the Smiling Minister’s faction!

It’s a good thing chooks tourists don’t come by container ship these days. Take the one that arrived Saturday but could not dock until Sunday due to choppy seas. It was originally due on 26 April then delayed until 8 May then delayed again until 10 May then delayed once more until 12 May then hello, delayed yet again until 15 May and docked 16 May! What if we had a similarly performing air service?

Big Red has rubbed his balls furiously chooks! His big crystal balls that is! The mists of time have parted revealing the future Budget and who will get what! All HOMs will get less in their treasure chests but one will get a windfall! The fact is all HOMs depend on the one HOM that has tourism tucked under his arm! In this case, her arm!

Ever wondered what Telecom does with the bond money put up by its customers? Where is that money banked? Does it attract interest? One chook has had his bond money with Telecom for 8 years. Has Telecom been earning interest on that money? After 8 years, should not the bond money be returned?

Herald Issue 511

A chook points out, that recently on the goggle-box all were introduced to the new staff at the office of Business affairs. All the new staff that is, except for one -Matu Rato. Perhaps it was because his appointment came soon after his chop from “Sir’s” office and hard on the heels of his boss getting the top chair from “Sir.”

A politically leaning chook is asking why the Fijian Indians (FIs) laid off from their jobs at the Crown Fetch have not been sent home. Surely it is over to the employer to repatriate the said labourers once their contracts are terminated? Reports are coming in on coconut wireless of at least two local FIs seeking jobbies for this lot. By staying on these FIs will take up jobbies locals should be doing. They may even start up businesses. Perhaps they’ll end up employing locals! The political chook asks what is Immigration doing?

Hot from the Altar chooks is news some Houses of religion have refused to accept the Queen’s baton within their hallowed halls because it is viewed as idolatrous! Indeed so much hoo hah is raised over this baton, one would think it was human! But all is not lost chooks! The left footers are to celebrate the baton followed by a huge nosh up courtesy the QR at the park!

News flash from a chook to the South. He has heard over coconut wireless tattle that the new boss-in-waiting for the top perch at the Port happens to be a grower from Titikaveka! A man in sync with the DPM!

And speaking of the QR, a chook reports while out for a genteel cycle the other day, he was passed by the QR’s car, flag fluttering and the Mrs behind the wheel wearing a large hat! And according to the chook, she was motoring!

At this stage chooks, bookings for the direct flight from Sydney are a tad slow and a big effort will be needed when the promos begin in June. The inside whisper from Aussie is bookings for July are about 20 per cent, August about 10 per cent and September about 25 per cent. But things are changing daily chooks so fingers, toes and eyes crossed we don’t have to cough up too much of that $2.4 mill.

Concerned chook reports 4860 doing a wobbly one recent Friday night and was amazed no incident ensued!

Also heard on coconut wireless chooks is news the Kiwi government is dragging the chain somewhat in confirming the Acting High Comm as the new High Comm! We all know it will be done so why the delay? We all thought the announcement would come when Kiwi Minister for Foreign Forays, Grunny McGully was on the beach.

What’s happened to the SPCA’s new residence chooks? Big Red hears the site in Vaimaanga became so overgrown with weeds they threatened to invade the structures when charging to the rescue came the Mongoose cavalry hacking, slicing, chopping, thrusting and clearing the encroaching jungle vines and foliage!

The war of words has begun between the Demo factions clashing for the front benches! Also started is the Tuck Shop wars with the College banning the kiddies from buying tasty nosh at the two local shops! All because the school shop is losing money! The local shop keepers are packing a sad!

The PM has been in pow wow mode with CIP’s Leader in the House! They were spotted sitting next to each other at the air base. Jimbo was looking up at the ceiling and Tom Tom was looking the other way! Odd way to communicate chooks but then again, maybe not!

 

Herald Issue 510

Big pow wow of the six pack at Wiggies last Friday chooks! What were the super six cooking up? Certainly not veggies! They did not count on a surprise ten minutes with the Bishop when he turned up to gas! Any inspiration for a new party monoker? How about the Christian Cabbage Party? The Pumpkin Party? The BLT Party-Banana, Lettuce, Tomato? The Carrot Cartel?

Chooks, seems the whirly bird has shifted perch from the Airport to the waterfront! What sort of deal have the chopper lot struck with the landowners? Only in the Cooks could you operate a helicopter from such a position! What regard has there been for public safety? Very little it seems to non existent!

Chooks there is a proliferation of job ads calling for people who are “dynamic!” The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover, asks what is “dynamic?” According to the book of words, it means a person who is full of energy, ambition or new ideas. According to the Cook Islands version of the Oxford Dictionary, The Coconut Dictionary, a dynamic person is “A highly qualified local who is fed up at not being able to get a job and who is now employed overseas on a much higher salary!

WOG also wonders why the vaka builders did not call on the immense expertise of the Professori of Paddling, an expert well versed in the flow dynamics of sea craft and with great depth of experience in the ergonomics of the transfer of manual energy from mobile to fixed structures to achieve fluid motion! Picture it now chooks, the world’s first vaka with giant paddle wheels either side powered by solar panels!

No use educators moaning about high numbers at the College chooks! What are the census figures supposed to be used for? With the figures for the 2006 census only now available four years too late, of course planners were not able to calculate how many school kids were advancing through to the 7th! What other cock ups are likely because of the lateness of the full report?

Talk about wonky forecasting chooks! MFEM must be full of witch doctors reading tea leaves and chicken bones! How can you show tax figures declining at the same time as predicting tourist expenditure will be on the increase? Does not make sense chooks unless of course there’s truth in the rumour that the laws of physics do not apply to the Cooks!

Seems a few South Pacific leaders have become quite bolshey lately. The Samoan PM is refusing to release documents, the Tongan lot are treading on civil liberty toes, Fiji has trampled on Media freedoms and the Cooks is run by the Six Pack! How did this all happen? Well the rest of the Pacific looked at the way our Jimbo (the Iron Coconut) was running the Cooks with an iron fist and they have decided they want to be imitation Jimbos!

New gimmick in the wind out west chooks! All foreign boat people landing at the new Jetty will require a visa to enter the Commonwealth of Puaikura! Cost? Landing fee US$50. Departure fee US$50. All Foreign Boat people will be given a survival pack consisting of one ripe paw paw, one nu, two ripe bananas, two slices of cooked taro and half a cooked kumara.

Brilliant solution to all our economic woes chooks! The roadside stall strategy! Turn the whole of the Rock into one giant road side stall. Stalls end to end! Anything sold! The tourists will love it! 19 miles of stalls!

Here’s another brilliant idea chooks! The Tahiti strategy! No more income tax on wages or salaries! Raise VAT to 25 per cent!

 

Herald Issue 509

There’s some bad news and some good news chooks! The bad news is, if you’re unemployed, you get nothing! The good news is, if you are a Goat, you’re going to get $1 million! Remember that old saying, ”The country’s going to the dogs?” The new term is “The country’s going to the Goats!”

Spotted at Muri in the weekend chooks, the Professori of Paddling scouring the golden sand inviting tourists to try out his latest ingenious, manually powered, scientifically designed contraption which uniquely combines the laws of motion to achieve almost effortless movement. A bevy of bikini clad beauties were later spotted paddling across the blue lagoon no doubt amazed and entranced by the experience.

Dazed and confused by the current political set up? “Sir” and Mac say the four Ministering at the Altar are history after being self expulsed and defrocked but they have just been re-confirmed by the grass roots. The other two Ministering are definitely out sight but not out of the minds of their backers! The grass roots want a pow wow to decide who will lead the group to the ballot box but the top nobs are in no mood for the peace pipe. They want the pow wow after the ballot count. That’s because whoever is leader at the time will automatically become the Prime Nob. And that’s what “Sir” wants. What does the country want? That’s irrelevant! You can’t have the general public making decisions! Who knows where that will lead!

Well done that hotel out west for pushing students through an important USA Hotel type qualification! Interesting to note chooks that only five of the 30 students were Cook Islanders. The rest were said to be Fijian Indians! Were they in the photo?

The people have spoken chooks! There’s an old saying, “Little people speak with big voice.” While cruise ship Capitanos want the jetty at the Arorangi School site because of calm waters, the land lubbers have stirred up rough waters and want the jetty further down the beach at Rutaki! What say ye Rutaki residents? Are you ready for the foreign invasion?

Who is the top nob threatening to pop the lid on government’s bent dealings? Watch this space chooks for word of a new Book of Revelations and it’s not written by a Saint!

It was a proud moment when the new fibre glass built Cook Islands Vaka set sail from the land of the long white cloud! But chooks where were our proud Cook Islands captains? Who was at the helm? None other than a papa’a! And here’s a mystery for you chooks out there! One local chook has asked why was it necessary for the crew to pay $400 each per day to sail the Vaka over? The chook also wonders if the papa’a captain was being paid?

Chooks, jolly nice of these foreigners to wander over here and run workshops for our benefit! It’s become a new form of dependency! We get the shakes and the heebie jeebies and display withdrawal symptoms if no workshops are held! Subject matter is of no consequence. Any workshop will do chooks! As long as people have somewhere to go, listen politely to some overseas speaker, have a cuppa and a doughnut, ask a few intelligent questions, write something down, say a prayer or two, shake hands and then leave.

Who has the contract to seal the roads chooks? Worth a cool $10 mill we hear. Was the jobbie put to tender?

 

Herald Issue 508

Chooks how much does it cost a pensioner to take a taxi from Tupapa to OTC in Arorangi to drop off a lawn mower for repair? $140 chooks that’s how much! Is that pricey or what? Who sets the rates for taxis? Who checks on taxis? What has Internal Affairs to say about this?

The old soldiers have had their application for a liquor license for ANZAC Day turned down! Shame! Shame! This means on Sunday, the veterans will be denied their traditional swill session following the Church service and march past! Sacrilege! Talk is some vets may boycott the service! Sacre bleu!

Who is the high profile candidate who failed to gain the CIP nomination for Tupapa and now has resigned from the party in order to stand as an Indie?

Why is the CIP President still uneasy about magic Maggie’s selection for Tupapa? When will the CIP sort out Matavera?

Well known eatery out east has been advertising for staff saying stuff like “competitive pay rate, staff benefits and great tips!” Hang on, great tips? Does not Tourism Corp advertise that in this country tipping is a no no? When did tipping begin? When did tipping become part of an employee’s pay packet? What do Internal Affairs say?

Probationers doing jobs for private citizens on Saturdays chooks? They are normally spotted performing worthy community or social tasks like helping the old folks but last week were spotted working on someone’s private taro patch! That is a commercial activity chooks which the owner (who is not an elderly person) should take responsibility for not the State. How did this happen? Through a friend of a friend?

It’s all very well chooks to expose details of secret arrangements at the top level but the question missed is why would such knowledgeable people enter into questionable arrangements knowing such would be questionable? Without question, the whole set up smells badly!

And isn’t it good to see a spiel by the nation’s chief bookkeeper on how he plans to correct an anomaly in the local monetary system! Only trouble is, what do the Lord High Mandarins think? Big Red thinks they would be thinking no-one thinks for us least of all the hired help!

When will the bloodletting in the tourism industry stop chooks? Another day goes by and there’s more blood on the floor with yet another high profile resignation! Big Red has rubbed his big crystal balls and the mist within has cleared revealing a new horn arising from a split in the head of the beast!

Rumour is the local inventor and Professor of Paddle Boats is on the verge of a scientific breakthrough in paddle boat technology that will revolutionize the paddle boat industry! The American Space Agency NASA is rumoured to be showing an interest in paddle techniques as a solution to achieving vehicular propulsion on the difficult, sandy surfaces of Mars. According to NASA scientists, our local paddle boat boffin has solved most of the complex problems associated with fluid motion on and through dense mediums.

Visit St Peters at the Vatican in Rome chooks and you will see the gold dripping off the walls! It is there that you will bear witness to the sheer wealth of the Church of left footers! Back here on the Rock, it’s no cost spared in order to ordain one of our own into the Order! Getting one of our own onto the first rung of Jacob’s ladder after seven years in the wilderness will, it is rumoured, cost $40,000. That will be spent on the ordination not to mention the extras being spent on food and entertainment. Even the supply and quantity of communal wine will need to be increased!

Herald Issue 507

Jimbo moves cunningly fast chooks! Striking suddenly and swiftly when least expected! Although he may look like he’s snoozing like a seal on a hot rock, Jimbo strikes like a Cobra! No sooner had Magic Maggie scored the nomination in the Tupapa primaries, did Jimbo have him sequested in the front passenger seat of his car last Saturday near the Market! What was Jimbo saying?

Maggie alert chooks! Maggie alert! CIP Execs seen porch bound in deep chin wag pow wow in Parekura over what to do about George! Seems three written complaints have been filed against the George boy and another is on the way! Rubbing his hands with glee is said to be the Pastor! Will the CIP self destruct over Tupapa if the CIP High Wizards pull the vanishing act on Magic Maggie? One minute you see him, the next you don’t!

What will the Magic Maggie mutterings mean for the Eastern State of Matavera? Will there be muttering over Matavera?

How long does it take chooks to take the kinks out of a local stream? Kinks which have built up over many years. A once straight stream in Tupapa has become kinked with bends hither and dither built up over the years. Several politicians have been alerted to the problem and they have visited the site along with so called experts and then chooks, nothing! No action! Removing the kinks and widening the stream will slow the flow down and prevent damage from erosion and also prevent overflowing. Why no action from the powers to be? Maybe they’re the ones who are kinky!

You’ve heard of the demolition derby chooks, that car race where cars race round and round a track at high speed smashing into each other until one car is left the winner! Now apply those same principles to the political track chooks! The demolition Demos are racing round and round smashing into each other! Eventually one Demo will be left! Who will it be?

Who needs an expensive atom smasher chooks? You know that device where atoms are sent racing around a big tube and then smash into each other to produce new elements! We have the Demo Smasher where MPs race round then collide or smash into each other to produce new political parties or alliances! Take for instance the Peri Vae Vae Parium atomic particle which smashed at high speed in the Matavera Atom Smasher to produce the new particle the United Cook Islands Partium

Chooks, the World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover, has this query over all those ads on the goggle-box that say, “Only $6 or only $5!” The big question is “Only $6 compared to what?”

Word is chooks some people turning up to the CIP voting fest in Tupapa last week, thought it was the real thing! The actual general election! Oh dear chooks!

Government has received a petition chooks from 1,900 people calling for more activities of the World Health Day type where roads are closed off, people spend all day playing games and everyone has a jolly time getting healthy! Seems the 1,900 signatures are all from public servants!

Tourism Corp has come up with a new type of tour chooks! Trash Tours! Where visitors spend time picking up our trash! Seems the Canadian Rugby Team did so and enjoyed the experience immensely! Just imagine the variety for tourists to choose from! The Pick up Nappies off the Beach Tour! The Pick up Beer Cans in the Recreation Area Tour! The Pick up Dead Pig Heads in the Creek Tour! The Pick up Disemboweled Animals off the Lagoon Rocks Tour!

There’s the famous Madam thingees Wax Museum in London where famous people are recreated in wax. We have our own wax museum here chooks! It’s called the Office of the Prime Minister!

Herald Issue 506

When is an ultimatum an ultimatum? When it is given by one party to another through an intermediary! That’s what Mack the Demo is saying chooks! He gave an ultimatum through the media! Never mind that he did not sit down and pen a letter to the parties involved, no sir! They should have read the media article! And having delivered the Demo version of an ultimatum, the four affected, have disqualified themselves from membership of the Demo Party!

What now for the smiling Minister, now that he has disqualified himself from the Demo Party? Just days before, he had been officially selected as the Demo candidate for the waterless district! Just ask any of the 15 people who turned up to his meeting! Now where is he? Party-less! The question now is will he sign up to the new, recently formed political party?

And speaking of this new political group chooks, word is it was officially registered last Thursday by 2, 2, what’s his name! Snuck that one through didn’t they! It’s rumoured Jimbo’s not in! What’s more, it’s rumoured Jimbo’s waiting to see what the other four self-disqualified Demos are going to do and perhaps they’ll join up!

Woe to the Demos out east chooks! Word from the outreaches of Matavera and the vast plains of Tupapa is that the CIP have footslogged over much ground and signed on heaps of new members! Money in the Party coffers chooks! But the worrying thing is the numbers! Over 500 it is rumoured in Matavera! And a whopping 600 plus, it is rumoured, in Tupapa!

At first chooks, the Kiwi High Comm was playing dodge-ems with the fifth estate and trying to spirit Mully McCurry through the Cook Islands as if he were a ghost! Then there was the QR’s minders telling the fifth estate to check with the NZ High Comm. Why? Our QR is in charge of Government House not the Lamb Landers! Then a breakthrough chooks! Word came down from the palace that the fifth estate was welcome to shadow McCurry everywhere except of course to that small place!

And spotting the official programme chooks we note McCurry down to call on the smiling Minister who will have a rep from the House of Ariki present! Why did not the smiling Minister say his mate, his shadow, traveling Tou would be by his side!

And chooks, how does former PM and CIP chief Sir Jiff get to chin wag with McCurry for a couple of hours then the CIP opposition gets another two hour session? Perhaps the Lamb Land Mandarins sense that the CIP could be the next government?

What’s up with Jimbo chooks? At the slap up nosh at a posh eatery on Tuesday night, Jimbo was hosting Mully McCurry only to flee the scene at 8.30pm! Rushing home to watch Shortland Street? Nope! That’s on at 8. Maybe Jimbo had just run out of things to say!

If it ever comes off, it should be an interesting media conference at the DPM’s office with Wiggy and McCurry! The DPM has taken to conducting all his media fire side chats in the local lingo which McCurry will find bemusing as he probably won’t understand any of it!

More banks chooks! That’s what we need right now! More avenues to credit! More credit cards! More spending! More debts! More mortgagee sales! More businesses going under! More takeovers of bankrupt businesses by foreigners! More locals leaving for overseas! More foreign labour to do the work! Cheaper wages! More profits for foreigners! More banks needed to bank the giant profits! More promotions to attract banks! More banking fees to government coffers! Banking, it’s our new growth industry after debt!

Herald Issue 505

Who is the woman seen taking the minutes at a meeting for the smiling Minister, then announcing the next day, her nomination for a major political party?

When the new Minister’s top aide accidentally toppled over outside the offices of the DPM, it revived for old-timers, memories of the “Silent One.” The Silent One being a ghost said to haunt the precincts of the old building now housing the DPM. Old –timers speak of hearing a voice late at night, the voice of the Silent One!

What was the Culture HOM thinking when he decided to swoop into the nest vacated by the former Minister and set up shop? When the incoming Minister advised she was moving in, he did not want to get out-at least, not in a hurry! Oi! It’s a Ministerial Office not a HOM Office!

At least three Aitutaki families have packed their bags and headed off to Kiwiland chooks. If things do not get a move on, more will follow.

What was it chooks that delayed the progress on the fancy new $10 million inter-island passenger boat that was to be built by the Chinese? Big Red has heard the smiling Minister called for the file and upon checking this along with consulting his HOM, he was, it was said, not impressed and duly signed the papers authorizing the next steps in the process.

And Big Red has heard the smiling Minister had little to smile about in regard to delays on the part of the previous incumbent, in granting the operating license for the new airline! Again the file was called for along with an explanation from the HOM. It seems the smiling Minister, after processing the granting of said license, was compelled to send a short, polite letter of reply to a letter from a concerned citizen.

Audit Office is to investigate a top government official who was spotted driving a car. The investigation was mounted because the official does not normally drive a car. Audit office is suspicious because a photo taken by an anonymous source proves the vehicle is actually a car. What’s more it has four wheels.

An Aitutaki woman who was in her family home when the cyclone struck and wrecked it, has been told the home will not be rebuilt under the government’s scheme because during the year, it is not occupied. The family lives in Kiwiland but travels to Aitutaki during the year for holidays. Needless to say, the woman is furious.

And speaking of Aitutaki, how come the wages of the local builders working on the re-construction, were dropped from around $20 per hour to $12 per hour? Who’s idea was this chooks?

Chook after a consultation at the House of Pills in the hills was told to skeddale to the outpatients in Tupapa as there was no penicillin in the House! But when the Chook fronted up at Tupapa the message was there was plenty of the “Pen” at the House of Pills in the hills! Oh dear!

Chooks the tight five have had a name change since a sixth player has come off the bench to join the starting line up. The team now is; Smiling Feather-loose head prop, Flashy Heggelton-hooker, Bobbing Figmore-tight head prop, Silkie Flashmansun-lock, Arty Pistoll-lock and Slim Marubyebye-last man down.

Chook wonders if the new Minister made the right decision in installing herself at the Ministerial Office at Culture! Residing there will require her to deal with the stairway at least four times a day!

With health staff getting their own gym at work, will the MPs follow suit and install a gym at Parliament? Better still, relocate parliament to the indoor sports stadium and kill two birds with one loan!

Herald Issue 504

Stumped chooks! That was our PM when asked an all important question at the signing on for the new Minister! “What will he do next?” The PM assumed the gaze of a stunned mullet! Got him! Hook, line and stinker!

From now on chooks the three Ministers who walked will be back on backbencher’s pay. The big pay is gone! Gone is the vehicle and back is possibly the push bike!

The Minister of Smiles and his Travel-ling shadow were supposed to be boarding a plane for Nippon on Tuesday but were spotted at the swearing in do for the sixth Minister! Several Demos were invited to the bash but failed to show-party poopers!

And speaking of the sixth Minister, the former Deputy Speaker now has Culture and Environment but what about Fashion and Hairstyles? Regulations are needed to deal to those with bad hairstyles and poor sense of dress! But chooks, what about Aunty and Mama Ngai? Will they join the new Minister? Rumour is three Associate Ministerships will soon be on offer and will Vava get one of these?

It is said chooks that at the Demo talkfest at Aunty’s, all the Demo reps from around Raro were in favor of the Demos coming together except for Makiuti, Tangi and Terepai! Word is chooks there’s to be another meeting of minds in the next day or so to bring this trio into line-or else!

The Quarra-tini are flexing their biceps, triceps, pecs and abs over fresh fruit and veggies going to Aitutaki. Seems they want the dreaded, cunning fruit fly kept out of the island! Any fruit and veges going north must be checked and passed by the Quarra-tini! But chooks, what about checking people’s finger nails, toe nails, hair, ears, nose, mouth, armpits, shoes, pants, shirts, pockets not to forget their underwear!

Last weekend the water in Matavera back road was turned off until 8pm. According to one resident there was no notice or warning! If this keeps up it will be back to the long drop!

Has anyone seen the former high flying Minister Kete? He has parachuted right out of sight and soon he may drop out of mind! Calling Kete! Where are you Kete? Come in Kete!

Chooks the soon to be announced new third political party is picked to take at least 9 seats! The CIP 9 and the Demos 6. The time has come for fresh faces with new ideas. Old faces and old ideas have not worked. More youth and vigor is required to get the mojo going not to mention more women!

Expect a tight, conservative budget chooks! Government Ministries will have to learn to function off the smell of an oily rag! Resources will be so thin, HOMs will have to fly by the seat of their pants! And flying is something a few of us will be doing if the axe drops. Flying by Air NZ that is!

Chooks, in the last monetary crisis, the USA Bubble burst and we are only just now feeling the effects! Right now word from the land of the great wall is that the China Super Bubble is near bursting and when that happens, the effects may plummet the globe into a depression!

Just as the Queen’s Baton will be passed from one runner to another in the upcoming relay, likewise the Queen’s Crown will pass from one runner to another.

What date the election chooks? Here’s a clue! Budget tabled June, Budget passed June. Then parliament dissolved for campaigning for the election. Election September? No need for government to continue after Budget passed chooks. Better to adjourn parliament before a vote of no confidence can take place!

Herald Issue 503

Amazing chooks how a bit of stick called a “baton” can cause more excitement nationally than a blockbusting Hollywood movie at Empire 3. Exciting because this stick hails from the Queen of England herself! It’s as though that bit of twig was her royal self! So get ready folks for the arrival of the royal twig on May 22. It’s even going to Aitutaki!

Whisper is chooks, Radio Rani will be tossing his mocker into the ring for Mitiaro! Word is he will be standing for the new political party! While Vavy Tang has no option but to hoof it around the Mit, Radio Rani can transmit his soothing campaigning messages over the air waves!

There’s been a swag of late entries for the composer’s competition chooks! Among the them are, The Jimboggling Quintet with “No coins in the fountain,” The Rolling Stongias with “I can’t get no House in action,” The Sir Premes with “Demo don’t leave me” a song which goes, “Demo, demo, demo don’t leave me. Ooo, please don’t leave me, all by myself!”

What’s the bet chooks the Chinese will wipe our debts clean off the slate! If they do not, the economy may go down the toilet and the Chinese will not want to be labeled Economy Busters! They would lose face and we can’t allow that! Let’s accept with humble humility their gracious offer, when it comes, to wipe the debt and let’s heap grateful praise upon the strong shoulders of our valiant comrades from the East for their excellent consideration of the pain we are suffering!

Government is to form a committee of officials to investigate why it is taking so long to get certain jobbies done in Aitutaki! The findings will be forwarded to another committee of private sector experts to decide what action to take and another committee of island councilors will oversee the work then a committee of MPs will report on the outcome to a special steering committee of HOMs which will report to a government select committee which will then report to the Cabinet sitting as a committee.

Listen up chooks, word is USA President Barack Obama is to hold discussions in the Cook Islands with other Pacific Leaders due to the secure nature of the country. The Cook Islands is under no threat from anyone not even extraterrestrials! Inside word is the meeting will take place at the RSA on karaoke night in full view of all patrons and Obama himself may even shout a round.

Hot, Norwegian babes seen flaunting themselves topless on the beach at Muri the other day. Locals had to rush into the water to cool off. How long chooks before Muri becomes a fully nude beach?

The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover has reportedly swung back into action. Apparently the old body has been tuned up, oiled, re-registered, given a new warrant of fitness and undergone an arduous test drive. Except for some minor damage to the left flank and rear superstructure, all parts are in working order!

It’s now odds on there will be an early election chooks. Jimbo’s been keeping the majors guessing with the aim of catching them on the hop! With 90 days to hold an election, the majors will be forced to spend up to 30 days sorting out their candidates not to mention the squabbles between candidates!

Word chooks is Jimbo must be a Chess Master! So far like a rampant King on the board, he’s knocked over anything and any Knight, Pawn, Castle or Bishop who has posed a threat to him. He’s knocked over “Sir,” Mactongia, Colan and forced Aunty, Kete and Vavla off the board. While his opponents have been screaming foul moves, all Jimbo’s been heard to say is, ”Check mate!”

Herald Issue 502

Now here chooks are the results of our own “Oscars!” Best movie film of the year went to “Five hurt, locker us all.” Best Director was awarded to, Carefree Jimbilo. Best Actor went to Makifruiti Toglia. The best special effects was won by Wetca-binet whose five Directors were on hand to pick up their Oscars for the film “Ava coup de tat.”

Watch out chooks! A tsunami generated by an earthquake and one generated by volcanic activity or a volcano crashing into the sea, like Kiwi land’s White Island or Hawaii’s big volcano, are different. One travels under the sea as energy and creates a wave near shore. The other causes a massive wave that may be well over 100 feet high. It has been estimated that if the big volcano in the Canary Islands falls into the sea, the wave generated will be over 100 feet high when it reaches Trafalgar Square in London. Kiwi land is a lot closer to us. Now here’s a suggestion, all those who think a tsunami is no threat, you go on and rush down to the sea side next time but be sure to take your surf board in case there is a wave, a 100 foot wave.

The motorist who damaged the electrical transformer in Akoa may find himself out of pocket by a whopping 70 “G’s.” Not cheap to replace those things!

Why did the left footers delay the ordination of their new Holy Man until after Lent? Simple! In the 40 days leading up to Easter, a period known as Lent, they abstain from eating meat! Once Lent is over, it will be into the pork, chicken, goat-whatever!

Despite the carnage on the Queen’s highways and byways with iron horse cowboys belting in and out of town at a high rate of knots, they continue to do so without any head protection. One regularly bears witness to crazed cowboys with no shirt, just shorts and jandals whizzing by at over 60 without any forethought as to the likely consequences should they come crashing to ground! These people do not need more education, they need a brain transplant!

Talk about same sex and civil union type marriages chooks! What do you call it when the parties involved are political parties?

Here’s a suggestion chooks. It comes from a really bright spark. When rebuilding the wrecked homes in Aitutaki, make one room in the house really strong so it becomes the “safe” room where the family goes in case of a big blow. During the three day warning of an approaching big blow, food and water can be moved into this safe room along with the fridge, a cooker and other supplies.

So the tight five have now become the flakey five? Nothing wrong chooks with flaky pastry! What about calling them the loosies? Piho is number 7-open side, Smiley is 6 on the blind side, Wilkie is number 8-able to go both ways of the scrum, Wiggie is the utility loose forward able to deputise in any position and Jim is off the bench as an open side flank impact player for the go forward.

Word whispered in Big Red’s ear is Jim will step down after the next election but not before grooming his successor. Jim is watching replays of the “Apprentice” show to see how Donald Trump handles sackings!

Aitutaki MP the Bishop has spent so much of his own dosh in supplying food and other supplies he deserves a commendation from the Queen! The Queen of England that is! Big Red hears that when the Bishop goodies hit the shore up north, the people broke out into a sustained round of applause!

 

Herald Issue 501

There’s a report chooks that the NZ High Com would not let locals into Ngatipa during the tsunami alert because it was private property! When asked by media the reply was the back road was high ground but the police said move to high ground not move to the back road. The High Com asked for the matter not to be put on radio. Why? Were they afraid of a backlash? Locals know that much of the back road between Tupapa and Matavera is actually below sea level.

What’s going on chooks? Why did the CIP huddle together at a meeting the same time as the Demo tight 10 attended a meeting with the breakaway five? Are the CIP waiting for the word to move? Move where? Word is the Demo tight 10 want the breakaway five to re-join the fold but on what and whose terms?

And what’s going on in the far north chooks? When the Rass man arrived at Penrhyn International Airport, the Willie was there to give the Rass man a hug and a kiss!

Last Friday a government quake sent a tsunami of sorts through several government Ministries sweeping out Shofan from MFEM, some staff from Aid Management and the boss of MOIP! Word though is the boss of MOIP actually resigned and the whisper is it is over the handling of the Aitutaki aftermath.

And on the topic of the MOIP boss, word is he is the King Pin of resigning heads! So far he has resigned five times! From OMIA, National Super, CIIC, Works and MOIP!

When is government going to learn chooks that you have to employ people at the top who know how to do the job and prepare reports! Why was the MOIP report inferior to the Red Cross report? Word is MOIP had to do their report again!

Word from Aitutaki is that the flimsy tents put up by the NZ Defence team collapsed under the heavy rain and families had to be moved out! Still another version is that the tents were dismantled because it was known they would not withstand the heavy rain. Which version is true chooks?

How’s this for a brilliant plan chooks! Government to buy out all fuel farm facilities! Government to tender out the management to the private sector! Government to bulk buy fuel at a cheaper price! Sounds familiar-where have we heard all this before?

What a fine jobbie the Coppers did in warning coastal dwellers of the Tsunami! They hurtled out of HQ to spread the word! But what about the old lady in the house right next door to Police HQ? Her sister in distant Arorangi alerted her by phone! The Coppers could have woken her and taken her in and secured her on the upper floor of HQ but she ended up on a hill in Tupapa!

Canine customer, Ann Gree Dogg is disgruntled at the sharp rise in the cost of living. According to Dogg a can of her favourite Budget food has gone up by a dollar! “Outrageous!” barked Dogg, who is contemplating going back to chasing and chewing human legs.

Hard times are here chooks and those finding it hard to make ends meet are dangling hooks over the reef for some tucker. But danger abounds, to their health that is, from fish full to the eyeballs with toxic pollutants! What advice is Public Health dishing out to these reef farmers? No warning signs up at Avarua harbour a favourite dangling spot! How about an offer by Public Health to test all reef fish caught for poisons? Seems there is a simple test that can be done. Those fish above acceptable toxin levels should be confiscated.

 

Herald Issue 500

Oh woe chooks! Cookie from Aussie with boxes of canned foods to take up north to distribute free to victims of the big blow, arrives in Raro and is charged a $500 levy at the airport! Where is the incentive for those wanting to help?

With no backsides warming seats in the boarding house by the Nikao lagoon no audit or Ministry annual reports will get to be tabled. So how will the public see accountability at work in government? They won’t! With no sittings planned up to the election after September, it will be a long wait to see transparency at work! Maybe leaks will spring up somewhere in the system!

There are several new songs on the charts chooks. At number one spot is a little ditty called “Blowin’ in the wind ” by Dylan Jimmee. Other chart toppers are “Who’ll stop the rain ” By Creedance Clearwater Piho, “Thunder ” by AC/DC Smiley and “They called the wind Mariah then Pat ” by the Wailing Wigmores.

Big boo boo with the Electoral Act chooks! Thanks to a legal cock up not detected by our legal wizards, it’s possible for a candidate to stand in more than one electorate! But is it possible for an MP to pick up more than one pay packet?

Rumour on the local Chardonnay, canapes and cocktail circuit is that Tata may be waving ta ta to a career in commerce and warming the seventh seat in Cabinet-you know, the one for outsiders appointed by the Head Cabbie. Whisper is Tata is set to become Minister for BECA-Business, Economic, and Commerce Advancement or is it MOCK-Minister Of the Complete Kaboodle?

Big Mac and “Sir” are oddly silent chooks! Probably cooking up a plot or two. Their attempt to turn the appeal fundraising effort political fell in a hole so what now? They’ve failed to get the gang of five ousted, failed to get MPs back into the boarding house by the beach and failed to scare the pants off the public. Danger now for “Sir” and Big Mac will be justifying a sixth Minister if they win the next election!

Spooky chooks! There are signs a tornado or a giant water spout may have also struck Aitutaki at the height of the big blow! In some areas, the trail of damage appears to fit the theory for such a phenomenon.

Plenty of jobbies for fit, young, rugby playing men tidying up after the big blow up north! Yeah, say ten bucks an hour-only one catch, you have to pay your own air fare!

Here’s a mystery for you chooks! The big blow up north smashed up dwellings, ripped up mature trees, tore off branches and foliage but how come the lowly, humble Tiare Maori shrubs still had all their leaves intact and flowers still on?

How come houses with thatched roofs stayed intact chooks? While roofing iron was flying everywhere, the old, reliable, tried and tested thatched roof went through the blast unscathed! Bring back the natural, thatched roof!

Still the number one radio station in the Cook Islands. Just check out how much dosh was raised by Radio CI for the victims of the big blow up north!

Seen out and about on the trail of cooking fowls to donate for plates of food to raise dosh for victims of the big blow up north, the Minister of Smiles, the CEO and the President, the three musketeers! For a start, they were in the wrong store for cheap chooks!

After the big blow up north, who should show up to help the Bishop get his sunken fishing boat afloat but Junior! He knows all about sunken fishing boats! He’s an expert! Well done Junior!

 

Herald Issue 499

Ooops chooks! Now a row has broken out over Kiwiland’s response time to the Aitutaki disaster. On Wednesday morning NZ’s ready response team was ready to respond. They were standing by waiting for the word! Our government waited for a better assessment of needs. NZ has provisions at a permanent state of readiness and has a good idea of what’s initially needed, shelter, water, medicines. After Cyclone Sally and in 2005, the French military were here smartly from Tahiti ahead of the Kiwis. The Kiwis have got better.

Bring in builders from windy Wellington is the cry! They know how to build proper roofs! Winds in Wellington regularly exceed 100kph and higher.

Word is the MOIP head is eyeing up Vavia’s ex CEO for a job as project manager for the upcoming Mangaia water project after he had earlier unsuccessfully approached the Minister and the PM for a job.

And on the topic of Vavia’s ex-CEO, word is chooks he is gunning for his three months severance dosh after the axe fell when his Boss did a quick exit! Seems the money men in the tall building down town say “Pay the man!” But where the 15 “G’s” is to come from is not known. 15 smackers you ask? Well he was getting 70 “G’s” we hear!

Didn’t we hear chooks that Vavia’s big white set of wheels was snapped up by Travel Tou Ariki? The thing is that set of wheels was dumped because it turned out to be full of rust! Look for Travel to be traveling in something else!

Chooks, why didn’t government simply adopt the suggestions from the Aussie consultant who set out various charges and fees for using the Chinese built indoor sports stadium? These suggestions were made before the place was built. The Mini-Games ended in October last year and thanks to ongoing dithering here we are with the stadium turning into a palace for white elephants! What happened to the tender for a management company?

There’s a real possibility NZ will raise their GST to 15% so will our government lift our VAT from 12.5% to 15% as well? Take note that the Solomons are to add another 17 MPs to their parliament! Surely, we must follow suit!

And with NZ about to do a referendum on its political system, will we also follow suit? While we argue and dither over political reform, in NZ they just go ahead so what does that make us look like?-Banana Republicans!

Good thing the cyclone came along when it did chooks because all the hot air over Toa has dissipated, the tongue flailing over political reform has abated and all the grumbling over government by minority seems to have died out as well. It’s as though Mother Nature declared, “Enough of this squabbling!”

Why was the Great Gumby summoned from the front lines to appear before Field Marshall Wilhelm Von Smiley in Division Headquarters on Monday? Was he to be court marshaled or get a ticking off and a rap on the knuckles? It has been reported in dispatches that the Field Marshall is not happy at the way Gunner Great Gumby has been firing his weapon!

Worried about false cyclone alarms chooks? Well, don’t be! Due to the unpredictable nature of cyclones, there will be many false alarms but that does not mean we become complacent besides, the practice will stand us all in good stead for the day a cyclone does decide to hit us!

Is the CIP candidate for Ngatangiia Ata Herman? Whisper is he was elected at a meeting held last Wednesday night! A meeting when a Hurricane was on? No wonder only five people turned up!

 

Herald Issue 498

Chooks we all know vehicle registration labels are sticky on one side. The side you stick to your windscreen. But first you must first peel away the white sheet from the label. One forgetful sod did not peel away the white sheet but glued the whole label to the windscreen! He then had to scrape it off, remove the white sheet and stick the label back on!

Papers leaked from the bowels of the OPM policy unit reveal massive changes being proposed to policing in order to slash costs! Proposals are for police to be allocated pushbikes for around town. A new “Cycle Cop Unit (CCU)” is to be formed. Cardboard cut outs of police are to be positioned along roads to deter speeding drivers and near pubs to deter drunk drivers. It will be part of the Cardboard Cop Unit (CCU). More effort will go into detecting white collar or corporate crime with the establishment of a Corporate Crime Unit (CCU). Only problem now for callers is getting through to the right CCU!

Here’s a fresh idea for political reform chooks! Political parties to select only candidates who possess a brain. A CT scan will be necessary to confirm a brain exists. Candidates to have an IQ above 100. Tests will be necessary. All candidates to undergo a lie detector test using questions like; “Would you take an overseas trip for no reason at all except to collect the per diem?” and “Do you propose to honor your election promises?” All candidates to be capable of working a 12 hour day.

Here are some more bright ideas for political reform chooks! All MPs to pay for their own travel! All MPs to pay for their own phones, transport, accommodation and meals! Imagine the savings to the Civil List! The Civil List could be abolished altogether!

And how’s this for a very bright idea! Voters chip in to pay their MP’s wages! That way the community only pays their MP for the actual work done and they only pay what they think the MP is worth! Say, $5 an hour plus a sack of taro for starters!

The next tiff at the ballot box could be the most confusing on record chooks if the rumours are true! Some of these rumours have reached “fairy tale” proportions for instance, there’s a rumour that if Toti Tupa stands for the CIP in Matavera, Mama Tupa will support him and in standing for the Demos in Takuvaine, she will actually support the CIP candidate Mark Brown! What fantasy is this? Here’s another tale of fiction picked up doing the rounds, Maggie is vying for the CIP nomination in Tupapa but the person touted to stand for the Demos is Maggie’s biggest supporter! Chooks, how do this tall tales start?

There’s no doubt this election will attract much interest and generate much tongue flapping, chin wagging and gnashing of teeth as many concerned citizens come forward to get into the House to “put things right.” Take the case for the CIP in Titikaveka for example. 10 people put their hands up to be the candidate. How’s that for interest? The committee shortlisted just two for consideration!

Chooks there could be as many as seven independent MPs in parliament after the next election. The PM and the four current Ministers because they are doing a good job along with Piho Rua because out of 47 voters he only needs to get 24 and George Maggie (if the CIP doesn’t pick him) because he has been out and about. Two of Aitutaki’s three seats may go to the new political party because of the Sunday flights issue so that leaves the two major parties to split 15 seats between them.

 

Herald Issue 497

Why are interest rates so high chooks? Where is the competition among the banks? Bring in a Chinese bank flush with dosh to offer loans at 5 per cent!

Something has to give chooks! Too many retail outlets, declining population, rising costs, less tax take, not enough cash flow through the commercial sector, bills not being paid-the crunch time must come soon! Sure, shove dosh down the throat of infrastructure but dead items do not generate new revenue! Get the thinking caps on chappies!

The finger pointing contest has started chooks with the Demo High Nobs pointing the bone at the Prime Mandarin for holding up their plans for poly reform! Seems the PM’s strategy was to wait until election year-2010- oh my gosh! That’s this year! What’s the PM been doing lately? Pushing reform! Isn’t that what he suggested?

Headliner inside Monday’s daily proclaimed a certain local entrepreneur “out of the closet.” Said local entrepreneur is unlikely to be amused considering the well known common meaning of such words! Unfortunate choice perhaps?

Chook sees a precedent in the new six figure, inspirational marketing group set up by Tourism Board wallahs to act as a link between the industry and the Board but what about the Corp’s own marketing gurus? Perhaps the Ports Authority Board can set up its own six figure group to act as a link between it and the industry, the Te Aponga Uira Board can also have its own six figure group to act as a link between it and the industry. What about the new Sea Bed Minerals Board? By all means! Give them all a group! There’s four mill for starters!

Demo Exec keep suggesting the PM release details of the Toa settlement deal. The public know this is a tad nonsensical. After all, Demo Leader “Sir” knows the details. So why don’t the Demo Exec simply ask “Sir” to release the details to them? Perhaps they tried and perhaps “Sir” said “No!”

Speculation is that the secrecy over the Toa mediation and pay out details has made even more secure by having nothing in writing! Rumour is there are no documents to leak! All parties involved may have committed the details to memory!

Does it come as any surprise chooks that government is hurriedly renovating Her Majesty’s Boarding House in Arorangi? Could it be because some home comforts are required before new tenants check in? Who might those tenants be?

And on the topic of new tenants being sequested at Her Majesty’s pleasure, expect a quantum improvement in the menu and the quality of the meals! Expect one of the guests to expedite the culinary duties with such finesse and sophistication, the establishment may become much sought after as an up-market eatery of international repute! Further expansion may come in the form of a high class catering service and a drive in-meal take out, fast food facility!

Why try harder? That has to be the question facing most State pencil pushers! Setting the growth bar at a lowly 3 percentage points, the ruling mandarins went into a state of shock when one HOM Boy achieved a seven point excess at year’s end! Can’t have that! He just had to go!

Our Boys in Blue have really started a trend with their finger pointing and “Shame on you!” campaign on the goggle-box. Now all and sundry want to front up on the goggle-box to heap shame on non-performers in other areas! Even Crown Ministers want to appear, point the finger and mutter “Shame on you!” at certain HOMs.

Cowboys and cowgirls are still galloping into town on their iron horses without head protection at over 40 mph. This calls for the Boys in Blue to get their fingers out and start pointing!

Herald Issue 496

What is it that MPs do not like about the reforms? The loss of privileges for a start! Gone will be the chance to be a Minister on a salary of $85,000. Gone will be perks like overseas trips! Gone will be the chance to employ relatives and mates in cushy high paying jobs! The PM gets to pick who he wants. What’s wrong with that? Under the present system he picks who he wants anyway!

Chook suggests doing away with parliament altogether and just having a Board of Directors run the country. All voters elect the Chairman of the Board who picks his Board members. All contracts to run for three years. Chooks, isn’t that what we have now? Chairman Jim and his four Board members? Let them go for the next three years, scrub the rest.

Old timers who don’t want reform but who want MPs to change their behaviour, should take a leaf out of the Police’s books. Police go on telly and to the crooks they point their finger and say, ”Shame on you!” What effect does that have on the crims? Well, the bad eggs choke on their tea and bikkies and mutter, “Oh dear, I’m so ashamed, how can I leave the house!”

The very day after heavy rain one chook noticed when he turned his tap on, no water came out. How is that possible the chook asked? The chook thinks that maybe someone at Water Works is still turning valves on and off to redirect water not realizing the drought is over. Maybe that person is waiting for instructions from his boss in writing in triplicate or maybe his boss is waiting for the Minister to inform them the emergency is over. While the Minister is waiting for the Water Works to inform him the water shortage is over!

The Ruaau MP, the Minister for Water, wants the Kavera digs eyed up for the QR to be a present for his pal, the President, Travel Tou Ariki! The House is for a residence and a meeting place! After all, the two pals need somewhere to kick back, chin wag and relax! Travel now has the big white set of wheels former Minister Vavia used to drive. All the President needs now are two cops on motorcycles with flashing lights to escort his new car into town!

How true chooks! First you suspect public servants always stood around with their hands in their pockets, now it has been confirmed! Notice the pics on the back page of last week’s weekly?

Notice how three of the Ministers have one CEO each but that the Minister for Water is smiling because he has three! Who are they? Well there’s Tere Taio the full time CEO, Arthur Taripo the part time CEO and Travel Tou Ariki the Honorary CEO!

With the Cabinet re-shuffle there’s been a frenzied grab for vehicles. Travel Tou Ariki has landed the big white car Minister Vavia used to motor about in and “Sir” is still driving a government car about although he is not entitled to one! What will be up for grabs next? Bunks?

There’s a new dance craze in town chooks, it’s called the “soft shoe reform shuffle” and is popular among MPs! It goes like this, first you take a step forwards then pause and look about, when no-one is looking, you softly and quietly take two steps backwards! You pause, then start all over again! It’s so simple all the MPs have become experts at it!

Local cinema has been booked to capacity with crowds streaming in to watch blockbuster flicks like, “King Jim Kong-the sequel,” “Close encounters of the Jim kind,” and “Jimernator IV.”

 

Herald Issue 495

Herald Issue 494

With the 10 Demo MPs blindly supporting “Sir” in opposition to Jim, does this mean the 10 Demos now have become the default “official” opposition in parliament? If so, then the eight unwitting CIP MPs should vacate the office of the Opposition in Avatiu. “Sir” will now take over that office along with what’s left of the $190,000 budget for it! A constitutional interpretation please-someone!

After March 2010 those who resigned their Ministerial positions to follow “Sir” out the door, will take a huge drop in pay-from about $85,000 down to about $50,000! What does this mean for all those in the village who relied on those MPs for a helping hand?

Poor “Sir” has no office to go to even though he would have been entitled to one and support staff if we had a proper parliament building like in NZ! For those MPs now out in the cold without a home, start thinking about building a new parliament!

One CEO still clinging to his jobbie at a Minister’s Support Office is Kinny Buchan. Not only did he manage to hang around after Kete departed, but things look on the up and up for Kinny after all he is known for his ability to write iron clad employment contracts!

There’s an old saying chooks, it goes-“love is blind!” And didn’t we see a case of that disease quite recently when “Sir” got into a huff over his demotion, ended up getting spanked by his supervisor and walked off crying “Foul!” He was followed out the door and into the wilderness by three blind mice! Such is love and devotion!

Also mesmerized by “Sir” and his walkabout team of devotees was the other lot! Why they fell in behind to march to “Sir’s” tune is a mystery! Didn’t they think things through first? The promise of sudden riches must have glazed over their eyeballs until they could only stagger about drunk with the dream of power!

No doubt a certain lawyer overseas and his legal opinions will have burst the demo balloon! The Commander of the deflated airship will be issuing the “abandon ship” order! With so much leaking gas and much of it quite hot, it’s no wonder the balloon remains aloft,- indefinitely!

After Tuesday, that’s Black Tuesday to the Demo and CIP lot chooks, Jimbo has had 6 new songs enter the hit parade’s Top Ten! Those songs are, “Baby you can’t drive new cars,” “The long and winding road-to reform,” “No day tripper,” Come fly with me but not on Sunday,” “You won’t see me- in the House,” and “I did it my way.”

And “Sir” has just produced a new CD of his own compositions entitled, “Oh lonesome me.” Backing vocals are by the CIP octet.

Police on the Rock already have their hands full with disorderly behaviour from local juvenile delinquents and don’t need to have their stretched resources diverted to dealing with unruly and anti-social behaviour from high ranking outer island politicians! Not what is expected from pillars of society!

The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover has developed wheeled extensions to both legs in place of his toes, enabling him to transport himself with ease to all points of the compass. This revolutionary evolutionary development came about not long after WOG injured and saw no further use for his left knee!

A local chooks says the dog leg like ”kink” in the wharf at Avatiu was installed after Hurricane Sally to help protect the main road and buildings across from the harbour from sea surge. Now the authorities wish to remove that kink and straighten the wharf to accommodate smaller cruise vessels. What about the sea surge from future hurricanes?

Herald Issue 493

A sign on the desk of a former American President said “The Buck stops here.” What do the signs on the desks of some of our top political people say? “Sir’s” desk-“Refer to Shogan.” PM’s desk- “Do not wake me, place the Buck in my pocket.” FinSec Shogan’s desk-“Make that Ten Bucks.” PSC’s desk-“Is the Buck capable of stopping and if so how, when and where?” The Audit Director’s desk-“Is the Buck a counterfeit?”

The current minority government is doing exceedingly well chooks! That’s due in the main to it doing nothing at all! After all, if you’re doing nothing, you can’t get into trouble!

Whispers picked up by Big Red chooks! Didn’t government vehicles get a good thrashing over the holidays! Government offices may not have been open but that did not stop government cars and vehicles buzzing about town! Guess who went on holiday and left his government vehicle in the capable hands of friends to take to the beach! And who was the ex-pat government worker seen unsteady on his feet before driving off in a GA car?
Perhaps next festive season government vehicles should be locked up in a pound and only released to authorized personnel for urgent jobs!

“Sir” is mounting a bigger comeback than “Ben Hur” but is oblivious to the fact public opinion has swung against him because of the TOT- tiff over Toa. Big Red hears whispers the official reports actually show “Sir” is not at fault but the public has decided the buck should have stopped on “Sir’s” desk!

The public are now calling for much more younger people to stand for parliament because the “Grey Hairs “ have made too many blunders of late. Some “Grey Hairs” will still be needed but less store keepers and more cerebral types of the younger ilk are preferred!

Not to be outdone, the Cook Islands is to build a twin to the world’s tallest building, the recently completed Burj Khalifa in Dubai. It will be built on the main island of Aitutaki and will take up all the available land mass and cover part of the lagoon. Unique about the twin building will the fact that the whole population of Aitutaki will move into the building when it is completed. The international airport will be located on the fifth floor of the building. There are a number of logistical problems to overcome such as where to house the 10,000 Chinese construction workers. The cost of about US$1.5 billion to build the tower will be raised from notes issued on the world’s main stock exchanges against future exploitation of the Cook Islands vast manganese nodule deposits that contain trillions of dollars worth of cobalt, nickel and other precious metals.

New security checks at the airport because some nutter decided to strap explosives to the underside of his crotch but it failed to detonate on the plane! Now thanks to him, we all have to endure security people fingering our crotches for explosives before we board the aircraft! And what if someone is wearing crotchless panties? Why don’t airlines just require people to travel naked?

Come to think of it, why not introduce the crotch check to all forms of passenger travel like the inter-island air and shipping services and public buses and taxis. Police in stopping drivers at checkpoints could also undertake checks of motorist’s crotches in addition to breath checks. But why stop there? All persons entering public or government buildings could be subjected to crotch checks as well as all applicants for visas and passports! Passports could even carry photos of the crotch area for overseas immigration to cross check! A crotch cross check!

Herald Issue 492

Big Red has come across some New Year resolutions which seem to have fallen off the back of a truck. A former diplomatic high flyer is on the short list for a Stately function in the land of the black stump, the new Minister for Infrastructure has a smile on his face and someone in high finance recently landed a job the Demo way.

Whisper on coconut wireless is that the Demos are up to something chooks! They are planning something to capture the public’s imagination! It may or may not involve the Commissar! Word is the Commissar’s fingers have been in many pies! Beginning to smell something fishy chooks?

Another whisper picked up on coconut wireless by Big Red is that millions of dolleros of Aid funds are still sitting in a heap because Ministries are not making application to use the dosh! And why is that chooks? It seems Ministry personnel do not know how to prepare submissions or project proposals! Oh dear!

Confused to see “Sir” at the swearing in at the QRs of the new Lord High Mandarins? Dressed casually in open necked shirt, as if he had just strolled up from the beach, had “Sir” not been “Sir” he would have been banned for not having an invite and not meeting the strict dress code. He took up a position behind the new boys, glaring at the PM, drilling the back of the PM’s head with a piercing stare!

Follow da lee-dar, lee-dar, lee-dar, follow da lee-dar! When interviewed on the goggle-box last Thursday about resigning from the inner circle of Lord High Mandarins, Aunty said it was because “Sir” was the lee-dar and if he wasn’t there, because of the interests of the Party, then she shouldn’t be. She went on to say she did not know what was going on but she was happy with her decision! Woe to the keeper of her office! Who let da dogs out? Woof! Woof!

Poor Aunty, on the goggle-box she also muttered something about Jim leaving her out in the snow! Ouch! Was this a sore reference to Copenhagen? Jim kept warm with his VIP pass to get him out of the cold pronto while shivering others had to line up, snuggle up and cuddle up till security let them in!

The public is also barking for the shedding from office of a number of other highly paid high flyers! One is the PSC, a slippery customer, with a silvery, gliding tongue! It will be interesting to see if this star pupil of Sir Humphrey, the High Wizard of civil service-speak, can slither out from under the mounting weight and pressure of calls for his axing!

Red alert chooks! Is there a traditional healer, swami, needle poker or mystic worker of healing hands in the house? The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover is in need of someone who can work some magic on his aching back! WOG claims to be under attack from natural, de-generative cellular forces but others claim it’s a trend that can be bucked!

Word filtering back to Big Red from geologically the oldest rock in the Pacific, is that Jim, on returning to his natural habitat, became somewhat merry and riding upon wave after wave of the ole brew, re-countered to the gathered masses amid raucous laughter and clinking of glasses, the political events that had “Sir” momentarily frozen in the headlights! All were sworn to secrecy!

More whispers on the coconut wireless chooks about Ministry staff being told to zip it and avoid nosey questions about a roaming cargo container. Seems the container went AWOL from the wharf then was spotted days later in Ngatangiia before going AWOL again only to appear up in the hills at the House of Pills.

Herald Issue 491

With the huge fuss over Toa, will we get an early election? Would the Demos get back in? And the CIP? They would have to wake up first!

One chook asks, is the Toa affair really about the money or is it another tall poppy exercise to chop down local boy Porter? Where was the wide spread, highly vocal public outrage about the state of the Health services? Don’t now say the dosh is better spent on health if there’s no loud public outrage about health! Who would want to start a business in this part of the world asks a chook.

All hail the big brave PSC! Nowhere to be seen when he’s really needed he notes Audit about to plough into the Toa affair so he sees his chance to puff up his chest and leap onto the bandwagon, after all there’s safety in numbers! Then after announcing his input, he flees to the safety of Samoa where he can hide out from the political flak no doubt the DPM will subject him to!

With upgrades going on to the Tupapa outpatient’s clinic, chook strolls down to the temporary clinic by the pharmacy. His name is called and he fronts up to the Doc, a medico from overseas who promptly enquires about his medical problem. But it turns out, our fellow was the wrong one summoned!

Word is government is to invite US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton to make a whistle stop tour of the Cook Islands following her official visit to Kiwi Land next year. During her visit Clinton will be presented with a genuine Cook Islands doughnut, a black pearl necklace, a bottle of tai akari, a manganese nodule and a hand written note asking for a soft loan of US$50 million for climate change upgrades.

There’s a whisper chooks that last weekend, the Boys in Blue kindly offered a person a lift home only to discover that upon arrival at his so called residence, he attempted to make off with someone else’s vehicle. The Boys in Blue, still at the scene, then promptly arrested the person and took him “down town” for processing.

From the climate change pow wow in Copenhagen comes word the rich nations will fork out 100 billion dolleros a year to help developing nations cope with the effects of climate change. Question now is how can we grab some of that dosh for ourselves? Unfortunately, we are not exactly a “developing” country although some of government’s actions do appear “third” world! Forget soft loans for infrastructure! Get some of those billions to pay for the upgrades under the guise of “development.”

The rich nations have poo pooed our small island states call for a 1.5 degrees C rise in temperature by agreeing to a 2 degree limit. This means our delegation of 14 spent a lot of time and effort only to hear that the big boys had agreed among themselves, behind closed doors, to a deal benefiting them but not us. It’s a bit like the All Blacks walloping the Mongoose team.

A proposal that the Vaimaanga Hotel site to become the new prison for juveniles is the latest brilliant idea to hit the headlines chooks! Fancy that! Five star tourists rubbing shoulders with purse snatchers, pick pockets and motor bike converters! Talk about adding value to the economy! Purse snatchers grab the tourist’s belongings then government seizes the proceeds from the thieves! Better than charging VAT!

A difference of opinion chooks as to where to wash the dishes at 5am after a staff hoolie. Indoors or outdoors? Much loud discussions ensued until a compromise was eventually reached. Half were washed outside the building and half inside the building!

Herald Issue 490

Now it seems there will be no agreement at the Climate pow wow to reduce emissions so the heat does not go up by more than 1.5 degrees C, it looks like we’re in for a rise in sea level by 1 metre within a generation. This means the millions of dollars we spend on harbour upgrades in the north will have been for nothing! “Sir” needs to get our esteemed comrades from the East to cough up a few more million to upgrade the upgrades!

With the rise in heat levels comes the change in the migration of Tuna and other fish. Will we have a fishing industry left chooks? Will the Chinese want our fishing grounds afterall? Where will the Tuna go?

News to hand chooks is that there is to be an astronomical boost to the Civil List to enable costs of travel by MPs on the new Virgin Space Ship to be included. Current cost is US$200,000 for a short trip into space. Why our MPs would need to travel on the space ship is unknown but there just may be a CPA conference somewhere in space. In line with current policy, MPs spending tax payer’s money on space flights need not submit any reports following their trip. Richard Branson, owner of Virgin Space Ships, is said to be somewhat mystified but pleased with the announcement.

And news to hand that Richard Branson is to be conferred with the status of honorary Permanent Resident. Branson is said to be somewhat mystified but pleased with the announcement.

And further news is that Richard Branson is to be given the freedom of the town of Avarua and a key to the Town (Unlocks the door to the public toilet). Branson is said to be somewhat mystified but pleased with the announcement.

Chooks news to hand that government is to establish a national airline and is to purchase five 20 year old C130 Hercules military aircraft from the friendly nation of Pakistan. The cost was heavily discounted on account of the numerous bullet holes in the fuselage and some planes had wings partly shot away. Nevertheless, the Hercules aircraft are ideal for landing on the short, unsealed northern airstrips and beaches. China is said to be footing the US$50 million bill by way of a soft loan. China is also said to be willing to fit bomb bay type doors to the underside of the planes and has even suggested the new airline be called something along the lines of “The Glorious National Defensive Air Force of the Courageous Peoples Manganese Nodule Depository of the Cook Islands.”

Big question on all demo MP’s lips chooks is what is Santa “Sir” Christmas going to bring! Firstly, how about a fat juicy Supplementary Budget? Plenty in it for all! The QR is hoping to open his Christmas stocking to find a new contract for a further term and with a big pay hike to boot! Perhaps new vehicles all round for the team! And not to forget, a little boost in the kitty for those long overseas trips to all corners of the globe, in first class! Yes it’s all shaping up to be a jolly, ho, ho, ho, Christmas!

Of course the opposition will also be hoping for a little something in their Christmas stocking! A pay rise for the Leader? A new office? A new car? A big bump up in pay? A bigger budget for the office? More staff?

The new direct air link with Sydney is fine chooks but most Cookies would have preferred a direct link to Cairns or Brisie where most of the cousie bros hang out.Such a link is better when the mass exodus begins.

Herald Issue 489

Oh dear chooks! Over 20 motorbikes from the Copper’s compound buried up in the bushy hills near the land fill by a major contractor. Whisper is the bikes were buried in one big hole as is complete with batteries containing sulphuric acid and brakes with asbestos lining. Had the fuel been drained? Was NES consulted? Why were the bikes not sold for parts?

The worst type of government “leak” chooks is the leak in the water pipes! But chooks, government has a brilliant solution! It involves the application of strips of rubber from the inner tube of a bicycle tyre! Wound tightly around a leaky pipe, it reduces a full scale gush to a mere trickle! Perhaps the rubber could be used to stop that other type of government “leak!”

Word to hand chooks that a number of MPs are going in for Body Building in the “Masters” division! Rasmussen is rumoured to be down to contest the “Mr World” Champs while “Sir” has entered the “Mr Universe” Champs.

Do you not find it extraordinary chooks how when the Audit snoops uncover an anomaly, there seems to be no trace of any written records and no mental recall on the part of employees! Will MPs raise a question in the House as to the whereabouts of the missing 15,000 condoms?

Chook strolled uptown Monday in bright sun shine, for a spot of retail therapy only to be drenched on the return journey by a sudden, persistent down pour of a mysterious liquid substance closely resembling rain! Much chatter from the weather office of drought conditions may be open to interpretation!

News chooks that a certain public identity celebrated his 21st birthday on the day of Saturn not once but mysteriously, three times! The “gated” shindig in the bushes in the hills was by engraved platinum invitation only and some nostrils may be disjointed on learning who made the “A” list or in this case the “AA+” list!

Comment from Torne Jeans who steers Tourism, in response to an Audit on the 2008 LA subsidy that Tourism did not see a full blown recession coming, takes the cake. Our government’s economic whiz kids knew back in December 2007 about the seriousness of the advancing recession. We don’t need an Aussie to take the fall for a government that’s been asleep!

Certain MP was to fix the local Sports Centre in her first year as an MP. Chooks, stroll up the Valley and see the progress for yourself! It’s fixed alright! Fixed in “no go!”

Drought chooks? Of course we have a drought! Government has failed to fix the leaking water pipes so naturally we have no water! But wait! Government has a brilliant solution! Give people a water tank! Yep! Get your tank! Hook up the pump! Hook up the pipes to the water main! Turn on the tap! Hello! Where’s the water? There’s none because the main pipe is leaking! Next brilliant suggestion?

Where’s the logic chooks? To stop tourists from pooping in the bushes, overseas aid dosh is used to put up a flush toilet by the trail! But tourists continue to drop their trou and their doo daas in the foliage! Reason? No sign on the door to indicate the building is a loo! To top it off, the door is locked! Oh poop!

Oh dear chooks! Ever vigilant bug lady has found a new bug! A small dude attracted to bright colours and which excretes an irritating, acidic squirt! Lamb Land Boffins are at a loss as to the little insect’s ID! What do you expect? That it was carrying a passport?

Herald Issue 488

Three hearty cheers for Aunty on deciding that trooping half way round the world to visit Monaco was far more important than attending the debate on the new Sea Bed Bill in Parliament! Wouldn’t you rather visit and cuddle up to Albert, the Prince of Monaco rather than sit droopy eyed through a boring dissertation by “Sir” on an extraordinary long and boring Bill? Seems three other MPs also chose to be elsewhere!

Word is next year Vaka Eiva will feature an ultra long distance race from Aitutaki to Raro! The canoes will have a crew of 20 with 10 paddling at any one time. Support vessels will include the Patrol Boat, Vaka Te O Au Tonga and Taio Shipping’s new vessel. In Aitutaki, the race will be preceded by a cross Aitutaki Lagoon race between crews using the Kingsbury designed and built, six person paddle boats! It should be quite exciting!

It seems “Sir” personally took the Sea Bed application to the Big Apple because he did not trust the mail bag and because the London lot said it would be good for our economy if he went! What we deduce from this is if that lot in London told “Sir” he would do wonders for our economy if he were to jump off a cliff, would he do just that? C’mon, you can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all the time! The simple fact is, “Sir” did not have to go at all. And where pray are the benefits to our economy?

By the time we are ready to bring the nodules to the surface, most of our population will have fled in economic desperation into the welcoming bosom of Queensland State! Cookies wanting to get back to enjoy the nodule riches will find all available land taken by foreigners!

Should Big Norm be allowed to practice in Court? Consider this, one day Big Norm sits in the House passing laws for our Courts to enforce. The next day Big Norm is in Court arguing with the High Beak as to what the law means! Should the Chief Beak tell Big Norm he’s either an MP or a Lawyer but not both?

Chooks at paddling time there should be two competitions. One for the “serious” bods and one for the “social” bods. When all bods are mixed into the same race, how does one judge the international standing of our local bods?

What was the outcome of the jolly trip for four to Tanzania chooks? Dead silence! 80 big “G’s” of public funds spent on a trip to a chin wag for members of the MP’s private club-the CPA and not a word since! How many other MPs from the Pacific region of the CPA attended the chin wag in the East African region of the CPA? And how come we never seem to see African MPs at Pacific region chin wags? And our greatest gift to the people of Tanzania? A doughnut with a hole in the middle of it!

Bad luck has struck one Mangaian MP on the wharf upgrade as his 8 tonne Komatsu digger decided to jump into the water for a swim! Bad luck because, the machine will need to be stripped down and cleaned! Now that’s “down time” the MP did not need!

Dan Brown, the world famous author of such block buster novels as “The Da Vinci Code” is to write a new book based on events in Rarotonga. Just as “The Da Vinci Code” featured the brilliant Renaissance inventor Leonardo Da Vinci, Brown’s new novel, “The Kingsbury Code” is based around new renaissance man and inventor Ken Kingsbury inventor of the revolutionary six man paddle boat.

Herald Issue 487

Three hearty cheers for Aunty on deciding that trooping half way round the world to visit Monaco was far more important than attending the debate on the new Sea Bed Bill in Parliament! Wouldn’t you rather visit and cuddle up to Albert, the Prince of Monaco rather than sit droopy eyed through a boring dissertation by “Sir” on an extraordinary long and boring Bill? Seems three other MPs also chose to be elsewhere!

Word is next year Vaka Eiva will feature an ultra long distance race from Aitutaki to Raro! The canoes will have a crew of 20 with 10 paddling at any one time. Support vessels will include the Patrol Boat, Vaka Te O Au Tonga and Taio Shipping’s new vessel. In Aitutaki, the race will be preceded by a cross Aitutaki Lagoon race between crews using the Kingsbury designed and built, six person paddle boats! It should be quite exciting!

It seems “Sir” personally took the Sea Bed application to the Big Apple because he did not trust the mail bag and because the London lot said it would be good for our economy if he went! What we deduce from this is if that lot in London told “Sir” he would do wonders for our economy if he were to jump off a cliff, would he do just that? C’mon, you can fool some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all the time! The simple fact is, “Sir” did not have to go at all. And where pray are the benefits to our economy?

By the time we are ready to bring the nodules to the surface, most of our population will have fled in economic desperation into the welcoming bosom of Queensland State! Cookies wanting to get back to enjoy the nodule riches will find all available land taken by foreigners!

Should Big Norm be allowed to practice in Court? Consider this, one day Big Norm sits in the House passing laws for our Courts to enforce. The next day Big Norm is in Court arguing with the High Beak as to what the law means! Should the Chief Beak tell Big Norm he’s either an MP or a Lawyer but not both?

Chooks at paddling time there should be two competitions. One for the “serious” bods and one for the “social” bods. When all bods are mixed into the same race, how does one judge the international standing of our local bods?

What was the outcome of the jolly trip for four to Tanzania chooks? Dead silence! 80 big “G’s” of public funds spent on a trip to a chin wag for members of the MP’s private club-the CPA and not a word since! How many other MPs from the Pacific region of the CPA attended the chin wag in the East African region of the CPA? And how come we never seem to see African MPs at Pacific region chin wags? And our greatest gift to the people of Tanzania? A doughnut with a hole in the middle of it!

Bad luck has struck one Mangaian MP on the wharf upgrade as his 8 tonne Komatsu digger decided to jump into the water for a swim! Bad luck because, the machine will need to be stripped down and cleaned! Now that’s “down time” the MP did not need!

Dan Brown, the world famous author of such block buster novels as “The Da Vinci Code” is to write a new book based on events in Rarotonga. Just as “The Da Vinci Code” featured the brilliant Renaissance inventor Leonardo Da Vinci, Brown’s new novel, “The Kingsbury Code” is based around new renaissance man and inventor Ken Kingsbury inventor of the revolutionary six man paddle boat.

Herald Issue 486

New edict from the Palace of the Ruling Mandarins chooks! From now on no qualifications will be needed for any Stately tenures! Out the window they go! Applicants need only produce sackfuls of letters of commendation attesting to their ability! As long as applicants can show they made every effort to get a qualification in the last 20 years, they’re in! Who needs Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, the USP? And what say ye those who put in years of study at great personal cost and sacrifice to gain a higher level of qualification to secure a good job?

Chooks there’s no truth to the rumour that our Jim stole the show at the FAO Food Security meeting in Roma, Italia by planting a juicy one smack dang on the lips of Szarkozy’s missus! And absolutely no truth in the rumour he borrowed a couple of solid gold candle sticks during his visit to the Vatican’s St Peters!

Holy revelation chooks! Word has reached Big Red that there has been a changing of the keys at the Chinese built indoor sports arena cum new ski slope! No longer is there a different key for every door! Where once, the Official Opener of the Doors (OOD) carried a bunch of keys bigger than a bunch of Marlborough grapes, now OOD needs only tote about three or four!

Chooks, wouldn’t you like to visit the homes of those who scoff whatever milk is left in the carton in the fridge at work and leaves the empty in the fridge for someone else to pick up? Ever wondered what sort of empty cartons these people keep in their fridges at home?

They were caught out weren’t they chooks! That lot that attended the secret squirrel meeting in Arorangi at a private residence to chin wag about forming a new political party! Three of the MPs who were there got their names public quickly possibly in an attempt to distance themselves from the event! But too late, no-one’s fooled. When the Herald spilled the beans on their little pow wow, the three must have realized the Herald knew more than it let on so they went public knowing the game may be up!

Woe to government! Woe to the scholars! The great hall of the Princess is out of bounds because it is chock full of beds! Beds? Unsold beds left over from the Mini-Games! No wonder the prize giving was transferred to the Chinese built indoor sports stadium!

Speaking of the indoor sports stadium, word is it has now suffered its first defect! One of the doors has collapsed and will not open! Came as no surprise to some in Ministerial quarters! The original plan suffered cuts here and there until we ended up with a cheaper, no frills barn!

As predicted by the knowledgeable “Hole” the stadium has become the new slippery slope for local kids seeking thrills after school. Problem now is how to stop the kiddies from dangerously sliding down the sides of the building and injuring themselves? What about motor bike riders seeking bigger thrills by zooming up and down the ramps? Will government impose an “Amusement Device” fee to recover the cost of the building?

Word is chooks a desperate and nearly broke government is sniffing around for new revenue streams! Now Big Red hears “Sir” is looking at raking a levy off what boats in the north earn from the canneries to see what more they can squeeze out of operators! Last year operators sold some US$8 million of fish to the canneries and our government got zilch! If “Sir” gets to skim a fraction of that off for the northern group then that’s great but with the cupboard practically bare, guess where the dosh is likely to end up chooks!

Herald Issue 485

Two more guests of Her Majesty’s Arorangi Penitentiary strolled out through the revolving doors last Saturday chooks! Off to retail therapy? No escape for the staff though.

Odd calls heard at the Sevens chooks! A call for Doctor Tupou Faireka! Tupou a Doctor? Talk about rapid advancement through Medical School! Then, confirmation government chooks were not their desks! Public announcement for a GA vehicle blocking the driveway to be shifted! More calls then one last call to “MS” to move his car or it will be towed and the tyres removed! But chooks it was not “MS’s” car at all but one of “Sir’s” staff! And Big Red hears all 3 of “Sir’s” office cars were at the Sevens! Where was MS? Practising his dance steps of course!

Talk about bending the rules chooks! Who other than “Sir” would trot more than the allowable 20m in a golden oldies rugby game? Wearing those coloured shorts, no-one was allowed to tackle him! What coloured shorts does “Sir” wear to Cabinet?

Not to be outdone, workshop attendees line up for fish ’n chips with sauce. Tomato sauce? You must be kidding! It has to be mushroom sauce-what else?

The rumour mill is crunching over again chooks. Big Red has heard that the top rooster and chook at our famous Kapong known for ‘sackings and tearing up tangata rikiriki’s contracts’ are dishing it out again. Uno momento one of the replacements of the dumped two ‘30-day home visitors’ finds himself awarded the wooden spoon and booted home as well. When will someone find out what is actually going down amigo, as employees are being signed onto the team and coming off the inter-change bench only to find themselves kicked for touch. How about signing these two onto an ‘organisational behaviour and HR workshop? Or, kick them both for touch so they can share the moment?

Big Red has been alerted that the former skipper of our famous team “SOE” was seen back on the rock the other day. Unfortunately he missed the mini-games and could have been selected on the team but anyway he doesn’t qualify. Just wondering whether he is here to get his old job back as it hasn’t been filled since he left despite two attempts to find someone. Will be very interesting what happens next. Will the top rooster buy into it? I scratch your back, you scratch my back. I give you the job to keep locals away and I find another strategy to keep mine warm.

Now that new PR’s will have to learn conversational local lingo, one local is setting up a language school to cater for new PRs. At “Da Skool uff Eenglush” they will learn how to speaka da local lingo like, “Wassup cuzzie bro, wezza smack?” and “Bro, wezza happy bakky?” and “Hey cuzzie, haff ya got da dakka?” Of course the Ruling Mandarins still have to decide which one of the 10 or so dialects will be the official one. What about the old Yorkshire English dialect spoken by the Palmerston islanders? How about “Parliament speak” with words like, “Gimmee 80 grand!”

Poor Rodney of the Act Party in Enzed! He blew 50 grand of Enzed tax payers dosh on a first class air trip to the UK for him and his dolly bird! Still falls short though of the 80 grand our lot spent on their first class air trip to East Africa! How come the Enzed media hasn’t cottoned on to that?

And Big Red has this bit of advice for the slippery, per diem double dipping CEO of a State agency-enjoy it while you can because one day Audit will catch up with you!

Herald Issue 484

What has happened to the case involving the former head of Tourism? When will all parties be summoned before the High Beak? Why the delay? Are the ruling Stately Mandarins now seeking monetary recompense instead? The cone of silence has been lowered chooks and covered by a rug leaving us all in the dark!

Why did a Stately Mandarin from the ruling High Cabal suddenly order a Head of Mandarin from the Middle Kingdom to urgently recall his predecessor? What is in the wind chooks? What is being ministered?

Why are the fuel lot being taken before the High Beak by the landowners chooks? Did someone spill something? Technos from Lamb Land due up to have a nosey we hear. Land owners are asking for a compensating whopper near two mil word is.

What’s “Sir” up to with the Mauke seat chooks? With Big Mapu due to step down next ballot day and his protégé, a local lad, schooled and ready to step up, it seems “Sir” has other ideas. Why else would “Sir” rope big “Huey” fresh from Lamb Land into the local water project? Is “Sir” lining big “Huey” up to stand for Mauke? When will “Sir” stand down himself? Who will fill his shoes? Will it be the Banker or does “Sir” have other plans?

Moldova chooks! That’s the country to strike up a closer relationship with! Why? Because Moldova like the Cooks, is suffering from depopulation! The able bodied are leaving to search for work leaving behind the elderly and the young! Government must quickly send a large, fact finding delegation of MPs, by air first class to Moldova! They would appreciate a visit from Cook Islands MPs after getting over their initial puzzlement! It does not matter about cost or that Moldova is not in the Commonwealth let alone the South Pacific or even a member of the CPA!

Cheaper to deal with Uncle Sam chooks? Goods from the land of the free seem to be a lot cheaper! Want a ride on mower? USA import is less than five grand! Kiwi import goes for around eight grand! Mutt chow also retails for a lot cheaper chooks!

Woe this Christmas to the hoteliers! Forward lodgings appear low! Oh woe! Even the number of Cookies heading back for family tidings under the tinseled up tree look to be low! Woe to the fly boys!

Borrow! Borrow! Borrow! Those lending our Stately Mandarins and Wizards of the Loot piles of dosh, must know something we lowly types do not know! While local serfs are asking how the dosh will ever be repaid, especially in this lifetime, the Stately Mandarins seem unconcerned and keep welcoming wave after wave of offers of dosh with open vaults and those eager to lend out the dosh seem unconcerned about our ability to pay back the hand that feeds us! End result chooks? One massive mortgagee sale and foreign bidders moving in to take us over!

Whisper is out chooks that neither political party wants to win the next election! Why? Because the mess has become too big, too difficult to fix! Both sides are doing their best to avoid a win! The Demo lot continues to mess up big time in the hope no-one will vote for them and the CIP lot have fled into hiding so no-one will know they exist!

Who is the Stately Lord of the Middle Kingdom who is under so much stress from orders and edicts emanating from the Palace that he puffs and knocks back during working hours? The stress levels imposed by his Ministering Lord High Ruling Mandarin must be so astronomical, he is said to act this way even in the presence of the Ministerial Mandarin himself!

Herald Issue 483

Oh dear chooks! Did “Sir” put the cart before the horse? On local goggle box news, “Sir” said the daily papyrus of the day before, had not mentioned that “Sir” had requested the gang of five approve getting a Silk from Lamb Land to sort out the legal morass surrounding the fuel farm! Well, hello! “Sir” perhaps should have informed the public that the notice which had been done, was put on hold.

Reports from the top level pow wow of high ranking Wizards of Pacific Stately coffers, speak of a cloak of secrecy and fear of digital image recording devices! Perhaps afraid of having their Stately powers captured by micro-chips and being rendered mere mortals, was the reason for a ban on random clicking.

Oops chooks! Mystery on the door step! Container arrives from Lamb Land with goodies for the House of Pills on the Hill! But where did the metal box go chooks? It finally turns up but the beds are missing! Gone! What did the enquiry reveal chooks? It revealed the metal box somehow made a detour to Ngatangiia! What was it doing there?

Media relations and liaison boo boo leading up to the Forum Economic Ministers chin wag chooks! No notification of the upcoming conference from any official source. No time table of events, no list of who was attending, no advice that the Ministers would be spending the weekend in Aitutaki! No notification to attend the official opening. What action will “Sir” take?

Boo hoo! Reformists want to reduce the number of MPs from 24 to 19! Chooks, there is something wrong with that scenario! Firstly, you cannot have an uneven number in the House! Even numbers ensure the possibility of a tie and the Speaker using his casting vote! No even numbers, no casting vote! Boo hoo! Also reducing numbers only mean you go from 24 bad eggs to 19 bad eggs!

While all were raving over Little Jim’s award for services to pugilism during the Mini-Games, commiseration for the one they forgot! The Hole man also did wonderful work with the gloves and the programme! Not only in the manly art but also other forms of exertion! Trouble is the Hole man also ruffled a few feathers over the years. C’mon CISNOC get the dude a gong!

Poor “Sir” must have writer’s cramp by now! “Sir” has been flat out signing papyrus documents of international repute left, right and centre during this past week! Holed up at a fancy resort out west chin wagging with Dosh Mandarins from over the waves, “Sir” has been putting quill to quarto with machine gun like application all in the name of buddy buddy, nod nod, wink wink, you tell me, I’ll tell you, back scratching!

Hosting the Dosh Mandarins chin wag must have cost we tax slaves a pretty penny chooks! No wonder the Stately Lords kept the diversion north to the blue lagoons hush hush!

Now the Stately delegation is back safe and sound from darkest Africa, will a report see the light of day chooks? Will the leader of the delegation be briefing the media and advising the public what returns to expect from the $80,000 invested in the visit to East Africa? Will Tanzania be opening trade with the Cooks? Will there be cultural exchanges? Will the Tanzanians pay us a visit? After all, we went there! Will they send a sports team to run on the $1.3 million all weather track at the new stadium?

Chooks will our politicians learn something from the renovation of Takamoa Theological College? The work was all done and without tax payer funding! Now, how can MPs come up with a new parliament without tax payer input?

Herald Issue 482

Chooks, seems the “gagging order” is the latest fad! Don’t like someone? Get a gagging order! Don’t like an explanation from a Minister of the Crown? Gag him! Look for Gagging order workshops to be run! Problem is, the lecturer may be “gagged!”

Why bother to become a republic chooks, with our own El Presidente? We have a de facto Presidente already in the form of “Sir.” “Sir” already runs everything!

Why don’t we trot down the same road as Tahiti chooks? Abolish all income tax on earnings and hike VAT up. Of course this will mean a flat white will go up from $4 to $10. While we’re at it, ensure we have no capital earnings tax or gift tax either! In fact abolish all forms of tax and just have VAT on everything!

You’ve got to congratulate the authorities in charge of our prison chooks! We have the world’s only lock up which has a revolving door! Prisoners may leave when they feel like it. Six prisoners have recently exercised that right! One did it twice!

Woe to the island of Mangaia chooks! Woe, woe, woe! 25 of the island’s finest young have quit their Stately jobs and have departed to work overseas for 8 months in freezing works in Kiwi Land’s south island! Starting on over $14 an hour which is heaps better than the miserly penance the Mandarins fork out for them in Mangaia! These former government serfs were getting $40 a week in the hand-how can anyone survive on that? Now around 200 elderly and young folk are all that are left on a once bustling island which exported citrus fruit. Government inaction has reduced Managia to a shadow of its former self! Bring on the beef cattle Yahsu!

Top public servants owe their jobs and livelihood to their political masters. But when public servants decide to bite the hand that provides their feed, they do it by raising policies that equate to political suicide! Suicide that is, at election time!

The Greenpeace boat is doing such a wonderful job at hunting down illegal fishing vessels, our patrol boat may as well scrub illegal fishing off its programme! Think of the saving in fuel!

Government Ministries and agencies might like to start paying some of their long outstanding bills to the private sector so the private sector can get on with its business. One of the worst offenders chooks? None other than MFEM itself. The agency responsible for the pulling in tax and levies and money from others can’t even honour its own bills and pay up! What does that tell you chooks about their efficiency?

What’s the bet chooks, the Mini-Games will end up costing government/taxpayer over $30 million? And that will be the bills we know about, that government wants us to see!
When is the next big track meet chooks? Will Usain Bolt be invited to an Invitational Meet? CISNOC needs to arrange an Invitational Meet soon before the facilities deteriorate through lack of interest! Be bold, invite the Kenyans, the Tanzanians (weren’t our MPs just there?) the Ethiopians, somebody! Anybody!

Seems Big Mac did one thing right during the Mini-Games! He turned down a request from the Tini to fund basketball! You see basketball was not one of the sports at the Mini-Games! Those funds for basketball will have to come from the Tini’s bag of dosh! Good one Big Mac!

Will the Cook Islands sevens team be at the Olympics in Rio? If our lads start getting up to speed now, they just might be! However, in good Cook Islands style, they’ll probably start training the day before the qualifying games where they will probably be beaten by Tuvalu!

Herald Issue 480

Chooks, we felt the effects of the tsunami at low tide with a sea surge two metres high. This brought the sea up level with the wharf at Jacks. The surge was very strong. Now imagine high tide and the water two metres above the level of the wharf at Jacks! There would have been a disaster causing millions of dosh worth of damage not to mention possible loss of life. This possibility does not seem to have sunk in or instilled much urgency in our EMCI let alone our politicians. So let’s see some urgency-less spending on overseas jaunts and more on protecting the people! No wonder the Tourism Wallahs are Hopping mad!

Question chooks! What will you find at No 10, western end of Sea Wall Road? Still looking for that street sign? Found No 10 yet? No? Give up? It’s the Met Office!

Legacy? What legacy chooks? Government wants the codes to cough up the dosh! But chooks, a legacy is a thing handed down-like in a will. And what sports code, pray tell, has the dosh to pay for anything? Will Athletics Cook Islands be able to fork out $1.3 mill for their track?

What of the Indoor Stadium now the Games are over chooks? Who gets residency at the great hall of sport? Will CISNOC call all codes to a pow wow? What charges will apply? And what of the boxing ring still stranded in Samoa? Can we flog it off to our Samoan cousies for a song?

Some of our PNG cousies are still here chooks! School can’t resume till they fly out but they are here till the weekend. Will they go chooks? And what of our esteemed brothers from the Land of the Great Wall? Where are they? Did any actually go home?

Beds, beds, beds chooks! Mini-Games are over but those who placed deposits on beds are somewhat slowish to put up the rest of the dosh and pick up their wares! Frantic calls by PMG Council bods are not having the desired effect of closing the sales and shipping the cots out!

Sirens to warn of a tsunami? What sirens? At $4,000 each-far too expensive! Better to spend millions on sporting facilities! More staff for EMCI? What! Surely not! Certainly not this government! Safety of tourists and visiting sportspersons? Bah!

MP explains $80,000 spent on Tanzania trip. If we don’t go, they won’t come! Chooks, we can now expect a visit from some Tanzanian MPs! What school will adopt them?

And this tit bit chooks from one of our Samoan pals. The Samoan purchased some sarongs from a local shop. However, before leaving the shop, decided it was not what was wanted so asked for a refund which was refused. Surely the new Fair Trading laws cover this situation? Beware chooks, no exceptions, tsunami and all! Bring on the new Commerce Commission!

With the Mini-Games over, overseas Chef who came over from Kiwi Land to cook for the Mini-Games, is forced to go hunting for his pay! Chef was supposed to be paid weekly but this did not happen. And where was the head man? He had shot off to Kiwi Land and was not due back for several days! But what about the Chef’s pay? Again another negative and bad image is projected about the Cook Islands! Pay the man!

And speaking of non-payments, pity the security guard for the World Youth Netball Champs who is still waiting for his dosh! He says he’s being shoved from pillar to post! C’mon you slackers, pay the man!

Herald Issue 479

Head of disaster bits allegedly heard to mutter that reports of water leaving the harbour were exaggerated, well hello! Did he not see in person, or the TV shots of boats sitting on the harbour floor by Jacks? The big crowd that did would not share the Disaster man’s view!

Spotted behind a truck a few nights ago chooks, a hungry group of lads from Bula Land squatting on the ground tucking into a large pot of self made tucker and enjoying it! What about the catered nosh?

Also spotted in a downtown store chooks, overseas athletes buying up tins of corned beef in great numbers, then later, whipping off the lids and tucking into the cold, yummy, beef!

Seen in Avatiu in front of the famous takeaway by the sea, VIP cars used by Mini-Games personnel and the personnel themselves squaffing down the burgers! What does this say about the catered nosh chooks?

Talk about team bonding chooks! Last weekend, Big Red heard only 18 CI athletes were at their Titikaveka digs! Where were the rest? Home it seems, in a comfy bed getting a peaceful night’s kip! Sure beats dozing off 20 to a room!

Oh dear chooks! Seems some overseas journos with media passes arrived at the National Auditorium to cover the Boxing matches only to be told at the door they had to pay $10 to get in! Is our PMG Council that strapped for cash?

Also on the subject of Boxing, there was much confusion when parents taking their kiddies along were told about a special rate for kiddies then they were told kiddies had to pay the adult rate!

Forget the medals being won by local and overseas athletes chooks! The local petty thieves have been picking up Gold all over the place and in various events! Six soccer balls have been stolen along with golf flags from some of the greens and some of the large water bottles have also disappeared!

Brilliant new athletic track chooks but only one major snag! Laying the track shortened the rugby field and now no international games can be played at the stadium! Oh woe!

Major cock ups on the Mini-Games catering front chooks! Not enough nosh at some venues and too much food left over at others! Seems the athletes are choosing to eat out and locals are putting on big feeds for some teams!

Seems no-one is keen to take possession of the bunks and bedding used by a certain team chooks! At a previous Games in Palau, it is said the same team’s bunks and bedding went into the lake of fire!

Woe to netball! Woe to our netball coach and manager! Will they face the axe over failing to make team changes during the Fiji game which saw our gals dip out narrowly by two ticks? Surely when nothing is going right, you make changes? Things are hardly rosie all round!

Chooks, the World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover has had an argument with a coffee table! After losing his footing trying to tote a bucket of water belonging to an adopted canine, he collided with the edge of a table gashing two legs and bruising one! Along came a witch doctor with a native poultice guaranteed to do the job within four days but WOG-L pronounced his faith in white man’s magic known as the anti-bi-otic!

Herald Issue 478

Chooks did you spot the presentation of the beautifully carved kumete bowl to the Fijian team at the Indoor Stadium the other day? Notice how the kumete bowl was just handed over without any pomp and traditional ceremony! A memorable occasion? Bah! And no mention in the speech that it was carved by a great Cook Island carver.

After being flooded with spaghetti for the athlete’s chooks, will we see the great spaghetti sale following the games chooks? How will the spaghetti mountain be reduced chooks? Spaghetti on toast, spaghetti pizza, spaghetti and cheese sandwiches, spaghetti and tomato toasted sandwiches, spaghetti and egg toasted sandwiches! Will the price will start high then drop by 50 cents to give you all a massive saving?

One Mini-Games team chooks, faced with mince and rice for breakfast decided to eat in town! Same team faced with rather hard fish for dinner decided to trip into town again!

What price our former iconic ale chooks? Word from the Captain is that the Penny has dropped and so has 80 “G’s” chooks! Now we’re Cook-ing!

Is our government not embarrassingly red faced chooks? Our struggling sports teams receiving sporting clothing from overseas donors! How much longer do we have to accept handouts like common street beggars because our government is so stingy -except of course when it comes to MPs! “Sir” splashed out over $20,000 in his first unnecessary trip to the Big Apple. That dosh could have bought a lot of sports uniforms! Our polies need to think what could be a better use for the dosh before spending it on themselves. Put the needs of ordinary people and the nation first!

The World’s Oldest Greatest (WOG) Lover is convinced that what the Chinese want in return for all the dosh they’ve loaned us, is a big parcel of fishing licenses and in exchange, they will ask, no, tell us to deduct the cost ($40,000 per license) from what we owe them. Is that a fair swap chooks? It would reduce what we owe but at what social cost? Sure, they’ll suck up all the finned stuff from our seas and pump dosh into the local economy but are we ready for an influx of Chinese fishermen?

A native of the Land of the Rising Sun will be on shore in October to precede the arrival on the big island to the south of 150 large, four legged, horned cud chewers! No doubt their arrival may unsettle the natives and lead the wild pig population to protest at this new threat to their free reign on the island! Imagine a herd of 150 stampeding through downtown! Get the picture?

Talking about the Land of the Rising Sun, their Ambassadorial Hat was on shore and would have been mildly surprise that his command of the English language was way better than that of the locals! Of course the fellow was probably educated at Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard or Yale!

Whisper doing the rounds chooks is that that old hotel site out at the big “V” may become the new dollied up campus for an exotic, paradisic centre of learning for higher paying foreign scholars-an English Language School! Word is our French indoctrinated cousies to the East may be first in line to sign on for courses followed by droves of our esteemed and beloved comrades from the Land of the Great Wall! Maybe the first course could be “Understanding Cook Islands curses!”

Herald Issue 477

Where did the 200 “G’s” to get the Pukapuka team to the Rock come from chooks? What Palace hat did the Grand High Wizard of the Money Box spirit this out of? Merlinic legend has it came from none other than the cavernous pockets of Prince Mac of Mok! As a result Prince Mac has had to trim back activities in his realm much to the dismay of his loyal Mok Castle subjects!

Scary stuff chooks! Six sleeps out from the Mini-games and hello! No water in Tepuka! What! What was all that recent activity aimed at? You know, the cutting up of the roads and laying down pipes! Where’s the Big Boy?

The appearance of the metal framework for the weightlifting platform for the Mini-Games has some old headshaking from side to side chooks. Worry is the structure may not be strong enough to take the force of some really big weights dropping from a great height! Consider this chooks, young Sam is over six feet tall and with his hands raised, that big weight is over eight feet in the air! Imagine over 200kg crashing down at speed. Not once but several times!

Hands up all those senior civil servants who mow their Minister’s lawns! Incredible! So many! Now hands up all those senior civil servants far too busy to mow their Minister’s lawns. Nobody?

Chooks the Mini-Games torch will be making its way through Lamb Land before boarding an aircraft for these shores! Question is will the torch be fast ferried across Manihiki lagoon fitted with a $10,000 strand of pearls like last time? Remember when that strand came off the torch and sank to the bottom of the lagoon never to be seen again!

Oh woe! Whisper is the Acting Top Hat at the Bureau of Foreign Matters is a tad askew at not getting a ticket from the Leader for the last run of the State gravy train. He missed the whistle stop tour to the Geneva shoulder rub and talkfest on climate and the side excursion to Lamb Land for the pal-ly wal-ly chin wag with Johnno and our esteemed and beloved comrades from the East. Now it seems likely he will miss the Rome express and the Copenhagen cruise!

Seems quite a number of prominent persons went AWOL and were not on parade for the big beachside BBQ lunch with string band put on by the Prime Top Hat of High Command for the Maori King at Muri beach. With about $7,000 of some $25,000 budgeted for the lunch, does this mean a saving to the tax payer?

Thinking of standing for an outer island seat currently up for grabs? Go along to the ruling Mandarins conference, dip your big toe in and test the waters then go along to the other conference and suss out what they’ve got to offer. Neither offer any good? Go Independent! Ooopppssss! What about the other fellow?

Have the State Mandarins been using the Mini-Games budget like a piggy bank for other unrelated costs cropping up? What will an audit of its accounts reveal?

Where is the boxing ring for the Mini-Games chooks? Only days out from the start of the pugilism punch-fest and there’s no sign of a ring! Seems the supplier is trying to hike up costs his end knowing this end chooks are sweating!

Herald Issue 476

Woe to the Demos! Their Executive organized the conference but forgot the PM would not be back from overseas. Now they are saying it’s because not all delegates will be present! Shame! Trying to cover up their huge embarrassment at calling a conference at a time when the PM and Punas were off the Rock! How incompetent is that? The public must be thinking what a bunch of wallies!

You can not only slip and slide off wet, muddy ground chooks but you can also slip and slide off short-lists for jobs as one potential Head Mandarin discovered! Big Red hears whispers from above followed by nodding below saw one contestant get bumped from consideration for a top jobbie! The “OE”-official explanation, was the higher ups had lost contact but electronic records show otherwise! Then suddenly chooks, in a sea of big fish, an even bigger fish sped in and chomped up the “Job Whisperer” putting the kai wash on the whole shee-bang. Now the jobbie will be back in centre ring! May the best scrapper win!

Word reaching Big Red’s ears is that a Supplementary Budget will be slapped on the table sooner than you think chooks! Seems our spend crazed government is having a cash flow problem! Whisper is a draft proposal has already reached the upper levels of State Mandarism and soon the word to move forward will come thundering down from the clouds!

The cash flow problem must really be biting deep chooks so government reversed a plan to abolish the departure tax for the under 12’s! But then chooks, Cabinet reversed things again and abolished the departure tax for children! Oh dear, seems officials did not do their home work!

Who put up the 200 G’s for the plane to Pukapuka to pick up the dance team? Where did the dosh come from?

One new HOM going to be peeved when she discovers the higher ups don’t give two hoots about any wish list she might have! What HOMs soon learn is that all their good intentions for working minor miracles quickly fade into obscurity when the political hoons, drunk with power, seize the wheel and slam the accelerator spend up pedal to the metal!

There may have been a heap of rain lately chooks and it may have filled the intakes making the big boy joyous but some households in Ruaau still had no water! How does the big boy explain that?

On rubbing his big balls frantically, crystal balls that is, the inner mists have cleared revealing to Big Red a frightful vision of future events! A high flying State Mandarin, a Knight of the realm soars off to greener pastures near the waters, a major cabal of much favoured Mandarins is dismantled, a man of many complicated words waves the white flag and Grey hairs gets the flick for a slot machine also known by another name!

Rumour chooks is that the gravy on the train may run out soon due to the relentless slopping and slurping going on lately. With some of the Grand Mandarins of Stately Affairs rarely at the Palace, camel loads of per diems have been flowing out of the Treasury coffers! The Lord High Grand Vizier is contemplating canceling all trains out of the Kingdom for Stately Mandarins!

Chooks, the PMG-Politically Mad Games will be starting soon. Up for grabs will be medals for categories such as Backstabbing, Most overseas trips, Most exotic place visited, Finger pointing and Public speaking.

The next election may see the rise and rise of the Independent! If all MPs turn out to be Independent, who becomes PM?

Herald Issue 475

First in first served chooks! Northerners clambered aboard the Wahiti Fui like leemings fleeing a sinking atoll! Talk of equal numbers per island went out the port hole and over the stern it seems! Restrictions came to nought chooks! It was all aboard!

Another island to experience the fleeing syndrome is Nassau! The 2001 Census revealed 110 people were on Nassau. The 2005 Census revealed this number had dropped to 77. Now anecdotal evidence points to a population of around 55 people. Shock! Horror chooks! The Grand Palace is about to spend $1 million upgrading the harbour at Nassau! So the Wahiti Fui can sail in and pick up the last remaining souls for shipping out?

As if the reinforce our reputation as last minute wallies, the container boat ran onto the reef in Samoa! On deck were containers of goodies destined for the Mini-Games! What now chooks? Phantom boxing?

What a jolly Christmas is in store for local growers! Santa “Sir” ho ho ho is to give away a tractor for each MP! But chooks, what about the water problem plaguing one MP’s barrio? Planting in that hood was greatly curtailed because of the lack of water so what good will a tractor be? That’s the logic of our Cabinet chooks! Not to worry chooks! “Sir” will present each MP with a Note Verbale!

Ruaau water problem fixed? Pipes have been laid down with one hose run offs from the main to each house! Marvelous! But chooks, the brilliant engineers should have laid a single hose up to the houses from the main then run further hoses off to each house! That way houses will have much needed pressure! The way it’s been done has one local engineer shaking his head in disbelief. Brilliant! Now there’ll be no pressure and that chooks means, no water!

And the same engineer shook his head even harder chooks when he peered into the trench and noticed the order the pipes had been laid was back to front! You see chooks, when you put a water pipe, a power line and a phone line into the same trench, there is a proper order!

What was odd chooks about the photo of “Sir” and others at the UN last week? Notice how everyone in that photo was holding their briefcase at the ready as if to hightail it out the door as soon as the photographer was finished!

Former Health Minister orchestrating his political comeback asked a chook to join his committee and the chook was guaranteed a spot on the gravy train if the former mover and shaker gets to warm a seat in the Bach by the beach!

Who’s been a bad boy then? Seems a high flyer had his wings clipped one evensong last week when dragged off the streets to face the music. Seems the Telecom cell phone network got a thrashing that night resulting in the high flyer being spared the needle and waltzing off! Now the proverbial is about to hit the fan with the OIA about to get a thrashing!

Big Red has heard on the Coconut Wireless and CNN-Coconut Network News that the local phone company has just coughed up another 500 big ones to the Imperial Wizard of the Treasury of the Grand Palace! Marvelous chooks that when the doe-ray-me runs out, you can just whistle up another 500 or so large ones to see you through! Like Aladdin rubbing his lamp and making a wish! Why would the State Mandarins want to pawn off such a brilliant cash cow?